Interlopers, Invaders, Investigators and Doom
by Diloph
Summary: In the not-too-distant future, unstoppable forces collide when the Doctor arrives in the middle of Invader Zim's latest plan to take over the Earth. But unfortunately for the pair of them, Dib and Gaz, the four are drawn into a terrible plot that endangers not only the Earth, but the Irken Empire and possibly the whole universe as well!
1. Chapter 1

" _Bother._ "

The Doctor drummed his fingers on his chin, annoyed as he found himself once again at a loss.

To the casual observer, the Doctor was a slight man; tall and thin, friendly faced with a ruffled mess of brown hair atop his head. Wearing a brown, blue-pinstriped suit with sneakers, (as well as a long brown overcoat when the occasion called for it) he was an average-looking individual, when he wasn't being particularly loud or eccentric. Most people wouldn't even give him a second glance if he was being "normal".

But behind the guise of an average man, the Doctor was completely different from anyone else in the entire universe. The Doctor was from another world; the last of the ancient race of Time Lords, the final survivor of the Last Great Time War. He wasn't even as young as he seemed; the Time Lords possessed the gift of practical immortality, regenerating fresh new bodies instead of dying. The young face that he currently had was but one of many he worn over the centuries.

Due to his habit of getting into trouble, the Doctor had developed a bit of a reputation. Not a negative one, that couldn't be further from the truth; wherever he journeyed, whatever the catastrophe, the Doctor could always be relied upon to make the right choices and save as many lives as the laws of time would allow. Behind his warm brown eyes and excitable demeanour, the Doctor hid an unsurpassed intellect, a pair of very broken hearts and a strong sense of moral standing. The first and the last of these were always handy when it came to tight spots.

The second, unfortunately, was not. He'd had a habit of inviting friends or companions along on his travels and now that he was the last of his kind, the need for companionship had been stronger than ever. The only problem was that he was currently... _between_ friends at the moment.

Unfortunately for his mighty brain, being alone was not the Doctor's only problem that day. Instead, he was having trouble with his beloved time machine, the TARDIS. She was also the last of her kind, a super-massive living time-ship that was bigger on the inside, "disguised" as a wooden Police Box. Although the disguise wasn't perfect, it was certainly iconic, showing up in tales and folklore across the universe if one looked closely enough. Inside his TARDIS, the Doctor could travel anywhere in time and space... when she _wanted_ to, of course.

That was one of the many disadvantages to having a living time-capsule like the TARDIS; sometimes she disagreed on the heading. What's more, if she wasn't being stubborn, she was often rather broken, though that was a more recent problem that the Doctor was constantly seeing to. She didn't always end up where you wanted her to go and that usually lead to a great deal of trouble.

That day was one such occasion where the Doctor's knowledge was being scoured for an answer, a solution to a problem that should not be. Standing in the middle of the TARDIS' central control room, he grew a little more impatient when the ship gave him the same excuse as before. Staring at the huge aqua column that rose from a podium in the centre of the golden room, the Doctor could have sworn she was doing this just to be awkward.

"Oh, come on! What's wrong, why won't you just _go_ to Earth?!" he finally said, his voice bouncing in frustration against the idle hum of the TARDIS. "Did it _insult_ you or something? Was it because of Woodstock? I know that it was rude of those people to throw mud at you, but it was a different time."

The TARDIS kept humming idly, but the Doctor interpreted that as a reply, pulling a face.

"...alright, alright, so it was _very_ wrong for them to try painting you bubblegum pink," he admitted, sheepishly, "But you know what humans are like. They come up with an idea and they never stop to think if they should go ahead with it."

The TARDIS' central rotor remained where it was, so with a sigh, the Doctor reached forwards to adjust some buttons and cranks on the control hub. The TARDIS' fault was getting on his nerves far more than it should. If he didn't know better, he would say that something about it seemed off, nagging on his subconscious. After all, he had adjusted subroutine after subroutine and still the time machine wasn't happy, refusing to exit the Time Vortex, maintaining its heading on the road to nowhere. What if something _was_ wrong? He wasn't exactly a stranger to "coincidences" by now.

The Time Lord cranked a lever, continuing to lecture his vehicle on proper performance as the machine bayed and swayed in protest as the time rotor began to rise and fall, drifting them too close to the 51st Century for her liking. The TARDIS protested and began to move backwards in time, looking to shave off 3000 years or thereabouts from their heading.

"Now, behave!" the Doctor scolded. "I was nice to you when I ran that spot-check on you, wasn't I? I fixed the gravimetric anomalies you were moaning about, the leaky pipes and that one cracked roundel on level eighty-seven. That alone took me 10 hours, considering it was behind the fabricator banks. Not to mention being stuck in a cramped space with only the light of the sonic screwdriver to see me by is something I'd not like to repeat. I reckon you owe me one."

Seeming to consider this, the TARDIS came to a juddering halt and her engines lay still. The Doctor knew better than to think she'd arrived on Earth, but was trying to show him what she'd uncovered. It seemed that the TARDIS had homed in on her problem, letting a read-out reach the tiny monitor that lay upon the control hub.

"Is that it?" the Doctor sighed, peeved. It seemed that whenever the TARDIS locked onto Earth with the random dates setting on, the time-machine generated a false alert, seizing up the TARDIS' scanning systems. For whatever reason, the TARDIS thought that Earth was _extremely_ dangerous and veered as far away from it as possible.

Just a glitch, nothing more. Secretly, the Doctor was a little relieved, laughing off his earlier suspicions. There was no force in the universe that could infiltrate a TARDIS like that with his people gone, so the Doctor reasoned that there wasn't really any harm done. Rigging up a fix for the problem, the Doctor finally cracked a smile as the TARDIS set her sights on Earth without hesitation.

"Aw, there we go, Earth! No hard feelings, eh?" he said, patting the central column affectionately. The TARDIS' rotor rose and fell, and with a grinding, whooshing sound, she came to a rest in the approximate location of Earth. Crossing the distance to the door, the Doctor forwent his huge over-coat and bounced out of the exit as he was.

Of course, the approximate location of Earth extended to its orbit. Luckily for the Doctor, rather than disgorging him into the void, one of the safety features aboard had sent the TARDIS to some kind of space station, judging from the lack of engine-noise. That said, it wasn't exactly a Renaissance-era palace or the court of King Henry the Eighth, but a space station was always interesting to see.

Curiosity piqued, the Doctor wandered over to a window to get an idea of where and when he was. Outside, he was met with the view of the planet Earth spinning below, suspended in the starlight speckled darkness of space.

"Ah. Not quite Earth then. Not by a few hundred kilometres." the Doctor said, checking he'd closed the TARDIS' doors behind him. He allowed himself a frown when he took in his surroundings. Taking in the scale of the station and the fact he had gravity weighing him down he quickly realised that he was in an advanced orbiting facility above an Earth that didn't quite have that down yet.

"Not quite _human_ either. Getting a distinctly IKEA vibe about the assembly, so it's mass-produced by the looks of things. Somebody's used to setting up flat-pack space stations at a moment's notice." he frowned, thinking aloud. The Doctor spun around, looking for more clues. "Pink-y, purple-y colour scheme and it _still_ manages to look all grim and foreboding. Oooh, _way_ not human."

Turning back to face the TARDIS, the Doctor shook his head admonishingly. Considering the little incident before landing, it was entirely possible that the TARDIS had done this to him just to be spiteful. Granted, she wasn't _usually_ a mean-spirited sort, but it didn't mean she couldn't get annoyed. Tutting, he turned to the window once more to stare down at the planet below, trying to pin the date down a bit more accurately.

He grimaced when he reached his conclusion, disappointed at what he saw. "Not my favourite period. 'Bit further into the future than I'd hoped, if I'm honest." the Doctor muttered to nobody.

The Earth was currently in what could best be described as a low point in human history, not too far from his contemporary time. Severely polluted, the planet was hurt and humanity itself seemed to be following suit. Common sense and intelligence weren't exactly in abundance at that moment. Being a time-traveller, it wasn't exactly a worrying issue and he could be comforted by the fact it would all work out in the end, but the Doctor felt sorry for the people who couldn't know that. He was shocked that the brilliant and clever little people of the blue marble below had let themselves get this far.

With Earth and its populace vulnerable like that, it made the question of who built this space station a little more distressing. There wasn't exactly a lot to _gain_ here, considering how far along humanity was. Why would anyone _want_ come here? To observe? No, the Earth wasn't exactly at the most interesting stage of its development, was it? Bile fascination, perhaps?

Still, the potential of a far darker motive in play still concerned the Time Lord. If someone was hoping to use the Earth, even after all it had gone through, it didn't bode well for the human race. And if that was the case, well, that would make it the Doctor's business.

Clapping his hands together, the sound echoed in the otherwise empty room. "Right, okay! Meddling time, methinks. Let's see if we can-" the Doctor began, before realising that he was talking to himself.

Now that he was alone again, he'd often forget there was nobody around to listen to him asides from the TARDIS. The thought of being alone like that was always a bit of a drag as well as a hindrance. After all, if anyone stumbled across him speaking to himself, they could come to the quite reasonable conclusion that he was insane. That would make any discussions or negotiations difficult, at best.

Clearing his throat, the Doctor decided to address no-one in particular. Fine, he decided, if he didn't have a friend with him, he was more than old enough to think aloud. "I'll talk to myself if I want." he declared. "I mean, no one can tell me I'm _crazy_ if there's no one to hear me, right Doctor?"

A pause ensued, with only the idle processes of the station making distant noises in the violet gloom. Hearing no protests, the Doctor continued to chat with himself.

"Oh yeah, quite so, Doctor, certainly looks like it's the case." he smiled, quite satisfied.

"Thanks for confirming a theory, Doctor."

"You're welcome, Doctor. You always know _just_ what to say!"

"Aw, why thanks, Doctor." he grinned.

But before he could continue his attempt at an amusing distraction, the Doctor's attempts at self-worship were interrupted by one of the more ominous sounds in the universe. Diabolical, maniacal and generally clichéd cackling laughter, the bread and butter of wannabe despots, rang somewhere in the distant bowels of the space station.

Whoever it was, they were really, _really_ putting some effort into it, straining significantly to keep it that loud for as long as they did. It begged for investigation, certainly, but how to find out what was going on if the source of the laughter was less than benign?

Spying a vent, the Time Lord took out his all-purpose tool, the sonic screwdriver and tapped it the palm of his opposite hand. "Now then, Doctor. Should we check out that noise?" he asked himself.

"Oh yeah, good idea, Doctor. One of the best. Mind you, got to say," he smiled, peering at his reflection in the tiny glass top of the tool, "The Sonic's blue glow _really_ brings out your eyes."

"Oh, _behave_ , you cheeky chap."

* * *

Dib, junior paranormal investigator extraordinaire, struggled against the pair of energy shackles that pinned him to the wall. The bespectacled kid thrashed and strained, but it did little other than cause his long scythe of jet-black hair to fall across his face, so he blew it out of the way in annoyance.

Beside him, his sister glared out of the corner of her eyes as she too struggled against her bonds. The fact that her bonds were crackling on a higher pitch and had nearly had their emitters wrenched from the wall betrayed how much of a strength difference there was between the two. She was Gaz, Dib's younger (and _infinitely_ more terrifying) sister.

"I swear, Dib, this is the last straw. When we get out of this mess, I'm going to _kill_ you." the small, magenta haired girl fumed. Her older brother shot her a look of both exasperation and sheer terror.

"Come _on,_ Gaz _!_ How is it _my_ fault that Zim filled the house with sleeping gas?!" Dib asked. When she didn't respond, he continued bringing up the absurdity of their predicament. "Most of the time he can't even think straight! Besides, it was _you_ that started the-"

The words died in his mouth when Gaz clenched her hand, a phantom crushing sensation suddenly forming around his throat. Blaming her for the situation would only make things more painful.

" _Today_ , Dib." she reminded him. Meekly, Dib shut up.

The siblings were the children of the world famous scientist Professor Membrane and were pretty smart themselves. Dib devoted his time to tracking and investigating that which science could not explain, no matter how strange, dangerous or ridiculous the situation was. His sister, Gaz, didn't. She was more than content to play video games in her spare time, ridicule her brother's awful lifestyle choice along with the rest of the world and when circumstances didn't allow that, her foul temper and her unholy strength quickly fixed that.

Of course, even with Dib being on the look-out for all things strange and paranormal, he hadn't _quite_ expected the mother-lode to land in his classroom one morning. From there, his life and that of his sister's on occasion, became a tumultuous, insane mess.

Because one day, completely out of the blue, an alien came to take over the Earth. There was just one problem standing in his way, not counting the boy. The alien himself was out of his tiny little mind.

As the siblings struggled to break their bonds, a maniacal cackle rent the air, accentuated by a large piece of machinery spewing lighting and accompanied with the audible sound of welding.

"GIR! What are you doing!?" a snappy, almost nasal voice barked. "That piece was supposed to go _there_! No, don't touch the power amplifier!"

A small explosion followed, and thrown to his captives' feet, covered in ash, Zim stood up and dusted himself off. He was a small alien, one of the Irken Empire, which meant that he was pretty much the archetype of a "little green man": an alien invader from outer space. Considering what was out there, Zim could be called the _worst_ that the universe had to offer the Earth. Of course, that depended on the way you defined "worst", but either way, you'd be closer to the truth than not.

Climbing to his feet, Zim dusted himself off. Silently, Dib and Gaz counted down, knowing that the calm wouldn't last for long.

When they'd reached zero, there was an even more impressive explosion, knocking Zim back onto the ground as the tiny space station shook. As a result of the blast, a tiny, green-eyed, silver robot flew by, aflame and giggling madly the whole way. That was GIR, Zim's android "henchman", who was this in the loosest sense of the word. Meant to be a Standard Information Retrieval unit or SIR, GIR was even more off his gourd than his master. While this made him _seem_ more sociable and nice, he was just as unpredictable as Zim was and possibly even more dangerous.

Gleefully ignoring the flames, GIR immediately hopped to his feet, smiling broadly at both children, spontaneously deciding that he wanted to dance on the spot. Quite forgotten, Zim picked himself up again, coughed and looked around shiftily.

"I meant to do that!" he declared, abruptly turning on his heel to face his prisoners. " _FOOLS_! YOU CANNOT INHIBIT THE POWER OF **ZIM**!" he added, pointing an accusing finger at Dib.

"I wasn't trying to, that was all you." Dib pointed out.

" **SILENCE**!" Zim snapped, before continuing. " _Sooooon_ you will all will tremble before my rocket powered **DOOM**... thing." he said, losing momentum. Ignoring the questioning look his arch-enemy shot at him, Zim continued. "Yes, it's a work in progress, I suppose. But for now, it's known as the Doom Thing! Look at it!"

The "Doom Thing" appeared to be a beaten-up hover-platform, not unlike the ones that arced in the air above them. Four outsized booster rockets on its underside, along with a nasty-looking blaster, gave the Doom Thing its propulsion and weaponry systems. It listed awkwardly to one side, the rockets struggling to keep the heavy payload of a lumpy, misshapen mass afloat. It seemed more dangerous to the pilot than anything else.

Blinking at the pathetic sight, both children were beginning to wonder why they considered this moron a threat again. "Zim. I cannot tell you how _underwhelming_ that is," Gaz sneered, "But I'm going to _try_ -"

Zim made several shushing gestures, rudely interrupting her argument. "Silly simple-minded _human_." the Invader spat. "How can you possibly _fathom_ my _greatness_?"

"... well, unless you've got _another_ arch-enemy somewhere, I can't think who _else'd_ listen to you." Dib muttered, ignoring Zim's snarl. "I mean, you captured us for this?! I haven't even _done_ anything to you recently! I haven't even seen you for a few weeks! Where have you been, filing your taxes or something?!"

"Pfft, mind your _booze-in-ess._ " snorted the Irken.

Dib sighed in complete exasperation. "The word is " _business_ ", Zim. You've _used_ it before." he frowned. Casting a fresh eye over his project, Zim brushed the remark off, trying to get his foes to shut up instead.

"Yes, well, er... **SILENCE**!" he barked. "But I'm not stupid, Dib-smell. It was _obvious_ that you'd interfere with the impending _doom_ of the Doom Thing's special virus transmissions. Once the worm is established in your... _filthy_ internet, it will spread and infect all the computers interfaces of the planet, rendering you all helpless!"

Both of the children looked between Zim and the Doom Thing sceptically. The gun, while nasty-looking, didn't seem like it was built for the task of toppling an entire civilisation.

"And the floating table-thing is part of that?" Gaz drawled.

" _Yes_ , the floating table-thing is part of that." Zim replied. "Isn't it obvious?!"

With an eerie calm, Gaz nodded. "I see. Why am _I_ here?" she asked. Dib, having seen what was coming, shied away from his sister a little. She was down-right _scary_ when angered. Nonchalantly, Zim shrugged at Gaz's second question, not picking up on the subtle sign she was about to explode.

"Meh, I dunno. You're my enemy too, I guess." he frowned, looking for a more elegant way to put it. "Uh... just don't question my motives, 'kay?"

Working Zim's plan over in his mind again, Dib shook his head. "Wait a second... the _internet_? Have you even _been_ on the internet? A lot of the computers you'd be trying to infect don't even _use_ the internet!" he said, redoubling his efforts to escape once more. "Do you even know what the internet _is_?!"

"Well, it's a database..." Zim said uncertainly. "And... humans... go on it to... look at other... humans, I guess?"

Another awkward pause ensued, while Zim blankly stared at the boy. Turning to the still dancing SIR unit beside him, Zim changed his mind about the whole "internet" thing.

"Plan B!" he cried. GIR threw up his arms and with a joyful squeak he repeated what his master had said.

"PLAN B!" the robot whooped, sprinting off. Turning back to his prisoners with an evil-looking grin, Zim began to issue commands to his servant, pointing off to his left.

"GIR! The Meson-Bombarder!" he ordered, holding one hand out for the device. Moments passed and nothing happened. The closest to obeying the instruction GIR got was wandering back over and calmly falling onto his backside. Zim opened and closed his hand expectantly.

With an irritated groan, Zim continued flexing his empty hand. "GIR? Where is it?" he asked in a sing-song way.

"It's in my brain bits." GIR replied, quite happily.

"... are you planning on handing it to me any time soon?"

The little robot shrugged and fished around inside the compartment in his head. "Lessee… taco... credit card… _tomayters_ … yak eyes… here you go!" GIR grinned brightly, tossing the machine carelessly in Zim's general direction. Diving to catch the delicate device, the Irken reached out and gingerly swept GIR's other possessions away from it, grimacing as he did.

"Disgusting," he muttered, and spun around to continue his monologue, "With this _mighty weapon_ at my fingertips, I'll use this station cause electrical _doom_ to ignite your nuclear... stuff and your, eh... um, your _corn_ , causing an absolute global winter." Zim explained, not caring if his plan made total sense. "Then, it'll be easy for the Irken Armada to turn this place into a ski resort for the Tallest! OR SOMETHING **ELSE**!"

Dib's eyes followed the device as Zim brandished it around, looking confused and horrified. Gaz however, frowned like she had been told it was going to rain.

"Oh, _that'll_ be safe. A nuclear winter isn't what you think it is. They don't work like that." she pointed out, her usual sneer working itself into the sentence as normal. The alien pooh-poohed her "limited" scientific understanding.

"It'll _work_ the way I _want_ it to work, living pig-slave-beast. I don't expect you to understand science _this_ advanced!" Zim retorted, oblivious as ever to his plan's massive, radioactive flaw.

Finally finding something to say, Dib began to panic, shrieking at his sister. "Y'see Gaz! This is what I was trying to stop! But you never listened! You never-!"

"Be quiet, Dib!" she snarled, eyelid twitching. Dib had no choice other to comply, cowering a little under his sister's stern gaze. Turning her attention back to Zim, she continued her argument. "It'll never work." she said simply.

"Heh, shows what you know! It's a tried and tested tactic, _fool_. You're _wrong_. So very, very wrong, like a wrong, wrong thing." he paused for breath. "Yep. Wrong indeed!"

"You done?"

" _You are wrong_." Zim said, clenching his hands together. Marching towards a small elevator, something on his little device caught his eye and Zim stopped mid-march to extract a long, slightly slimy cylinder from the Meson-Bombarder. He shot a glare at his servant, obviously laying the blame on him.

"GIR! Fetch me a replacement energy converter! You've made this one all... _goopy_ …" he ordered, grimacing at the slimy mess. The robot immediately lost his cyan shading and took on a blood red glow, becoming slightly more of the machine he was made to be.

"YES SIR!" he replied with gusto. He stomped over to a cardboard box and turned it upside down, looking to empty the contents. When nothing happened, his usual colouring returned. "Fresh out!" the robot chirruped.

Grumbling at the delay, Zim dragged his hand across his face. "Well go home and _get_ some then!" he barked, turning back to Gaz and Dib. Desperately, the wannabe paranormal investigator tried reasoning with the alien, hoping that this one time, Zim would be willing to listen to reason.

"Wh-what about all the _people_ down there?!" Dib asked. Taking his question as one borne out of scientific curiosity rather than concern, he answered the boy.

"Oh, I'd imagine they'd be _fine_." Zim said with a dismissive wave. "Your kind can survive stuff like a bazillion radioactive isotopes, right?"

"No." Dib answered.

"Oh. Well, I guess they'll pop like water balloons then." decided Zim, stopping to savour the child's expression with a particularly cruel laugh. He was halfway through one particularly throaty cackle when GIR toddled up to him and tugged on his sleeve.

"I can't find them." GIR whispered, voice low for no real reason. "They're all gone. Like a spider in a house full of apricots."

"I'll... pretend I know what that means." Zim growled. "I couldn't have used a month's supply already. Me! Invader _Ziiiim_!" the Irken shrieked. "Hm, alright, keep calm, GIR."

"OKAY!" GIR screamed, with a piercing shriek. Everybody else (even Zim, who didn't have ears), winced at the loud noise.

"I usually keep a spare somewhere around here. Help me look!" Zim said, dropping to his hands and knees.

Skimming himself along the floor, one eye open, Zim gazed meticulously at the floors. Perhaps a spare energy converter had rolled under a console. He did remember that GIR dropped more than one of them on the way here, so it was possible that his robotic servant had just been clumsy.

"Hm, this is awkward." Zim muttered to himself. "How can I doom the Earth in front of the helpless Dib-child when this sort of thing happens? It's embarrassing!"

Zim continued crawling along the floor for a good minute and a half, searching high and low. Eventually, he decided to try the nearby storage cupboard, throwing the door open.

"Now where did GIR put those things?!" Zim hissed in irritation, glaring at the floor. The cupboard was mostly empty asides from a pair of human sneakers and the man attached to them, but his energy converters were nowhere to be seen.

"Excuse me." he murmured to the shoes, moving the man to one side. He didn't really notice that the shoes were currently occupied by some feet, attached to big long legs and the rest of a person.

"Lost something?" asked the man, hands in the pockets of his brown pin-striped suit, finally getting Zim's attention. The Irken didn't seem too concerned on the how or why the figure was standing there; all he wanted was the missing component for his doomsday device.

"Uh, yeah, an energy converter." Zim replied, still oblivious to the whole "Man standing in a cupboard" bit. Dib and Gaz on the other hand, boggled in disbelief at the man, who glanced at them with a reassuring smile, then back to Zim.

"Eh... Zim?" Dib tried. Gaz motioned for him to be quiet.

"Wait, no, I wanna see where he's going to go with this." she smirked. In the cupboard, the Doctor puffed up his cheeks, head rocking from side to side.

"Well, normally I'd hand you one over, but we're outta stock. Sorry, hope it's not any trouble."

"Oh." Zim frowned, disappointed. "Well, thanks anyway." he added, closing the door.

"Bye." replied the Doctor. Zim took about two paces away from the door before the penny dropped. Opening the door again, the Doctor looked down at the Irken, waving in a sheepish manner.

"Hi again!" was all he managed before Zim began screaming incoherently.


	2. Chapter 2

The Doctor had arrived just in time. Zim was an Irken and outside of their empire, Irkens _always_ meant bad news. They were a race of diminutive intergalactic conquerors, many with Napoleon complexes and very little brains between the lot of them. Lead by the Almighty Tallest, the Irken Empire was a blight upon the universe, just as much as the Sontarans or the Cybermen.

Well, perhaps that was a little unfair: the Irken race weren't _all_ bad. The problem was that the smart ones tended to be just as cruel as the ones who were stupid. Even then, only a few of those "good, smart Irkens" really rose to prominence, save for a token few. Their reputation (and morality) suffered as a result. It had been a long time since they'd had anybody close to affable in charge, the Doctor reflected, but that was a regrettably long time ago.

Sadly, in the present day, this Invader Zim had these two kids and the whole planet at his mercy, as par the norm. Invaders were the elite of the elite, trained to single-handedly conquer planets to fuel the ever-expanding Irken Empire. Zim was his exact opposite, reduced to a day job. Rather humbling when you looked at it that way.

Then again, Zim wasn't exactly _acting_ like a battle-hardened soldier, standing there and screaming at the Time Lord. Maybe it was just the shock of coming so close to conquering the Earth, only to be thwarted by a misplaced energy converter, the Doctor supposed. It was Zim's careless mistake that had stopped the Earth from being reduced to a pile of radioactive ashes before the Doctor got there.

" _ **Well**_ _, that and my_ _ **astounding**_ _luck, of course._ " the Time Lord thought, shuffling the thin cylinder of the energy converter up his sleeve. He'd spotted it on one of the shelves behind him, so this timely distraction would be the perfect chance to formulate a plan to keep the Earth from Zim's reach.

The Invader on the other hand, continued to freak out, not noticing the Doctor's sleight of hand. He _had_ stopped screaming long enough to question the new arrival's existence though. "Wha-? _Human_?! How did you get in here?!" he screeched, turning to his SIR unit. "GIR! GIR! Defensive mode!"

GIR the SIR's security function beeped in reply, but instead of leaping to his master's aid, the little robot had decided that playing cards with a stuffed duck was a better use of his time and energy than dealing with a potentially deadly threat. The Doctor reckoned he must have smuggled aboard inside his head storage. From what he'd overheard, GIR was even more insane than Zim was, but it was still quite bizarre.

The Doctor frowned as Zim continued to foam at the mouth at the "human". The little Irken Invader didn't seem to be the brightest crayon in the box, but otherwise his guess wasn't _wholly_ unreasonable; on the outside, Time Lords _did_ look human. Deciding to try to calm him down before somebody did something stupid, the Doctor cleared his throat.

"Er, actually, I'm from the Closet Committee." the Doctor said, flicking out a wallet that contained a single sheet of blank, psychic paper. Attuned to his thoughts, he could project whatever he wanted from it. In this case, it was the necessary credentials needed to fool Zim.

The Irken squinted at the paper from afar, crossing to inspect it as the Doctor explained himself. "The Almighty Tallest sent me to inspect all Invader storage cupboards within a certain jurisdiction and you were next on the list, Invader... Zim, was it?" he wondered.

Being told that the Tallest had sent the newcomer, Zim calmed down considerably, suddenly uninterested in the paper itself. "Oh, the _Tallest_ sent you!" Zim sighed, relieved as he pushed the paper back towards the Time Lord. "Yeah, sure, go on ahead. I've just got some work to finish up here, don't mind me."

"Hm, yeah, I can see that. Kidnapping kids within fifteen feet of a closet inspection, eh?" the Doctor frowned, stepping out of the cupboard. He gave the children another glance to keep them quiet, spinning back to face Zim, tutting disapprovingly. "I don't _think_ that's in the regulations."

"Eh?"

The Doctor pretended to rifle through his pockets as he produced the psychic paper again, hopefully duping the Invader into thinking it was something different entirely. Opening it, he held it towards the little Irken, pointing at a list of Invader instructions he'd tailor-made to back up his words. "There it is, in Subsection 3; "No kidnapping kiddies", right there." the Doctor frowned. Zim boggled at the paper, clearly confused.

"Well, I _know_ that's not right," he blinked, "Subsection 3 of Invader conduct is about vehicle maintenance."

" _Blast_ ," thought the Doctor, "S _o much for pulling the wool over his eyes."_

Smiling nervously, the Time Lord tried to explain away the inconsistencies. "Ah, right, I must have an older version-" he began, but Zim wasn't fooled.

"You're not a closet inspector at all, are you?! Liar!" Zim roared, tossing the paper back at the Time Lord with as much force as he could muster. It bounced off of the Doctor's chest, the taller alien fumbling to catch it before it hit the floor.

"Now hold on just a minute, that's just not _fair!_ I mean, I _do_ have my doctorate in cupboard sciences. I am _particularly_ good with small, yet spacious box-like containers." pouted the Doctor, stuffing the wallet back into his pocket. He took a large step, towards the centre of the room and the children, examining his surroundings while Zim circled around him.

"How did you get up here, _human_?! And how do you know about the Tallest?! I bet you that you're one of the Swelly Mothball people that Dib talks to, aren't you?!"

The Doctor blinked, looking down at the substantially smaller Zim. He was small, even for an Irken. "Come again?"

"Admit it, you're a member of Dib's little secret society! Don't attempt to _deceieeeve_ me!" Zim growled, but he was wasting his breath. The Doctor wasn't listening. Instead, he looked incredibly excited all of a sudden, turning to point at the boy that Zim had captured.

"Hold on, did you say "Dib"?" he asked Zim. "That's Dib?"

"Yes."

" _The_ Dib?!" the Doctor beamed, his attention now focused on the confused child.

"Yeeeeah..." Zim said, raising a questioning eyebrow. The Doctor spun around and bent his knees, laughing slightly.

"Oh- _ho_! Ohh, Dib! Dibby, Dib, Dib. Dib-ster. Dib. _The_ Dib!" he smiled. Dib joined Zim in casting a very blank, slightly concerned look at the Doctor.

"Do I... know you?" Dib wondered. The Doctor chucked his head back in a laugh again, punctuating it with another spin, before composing himself... slightly.

"Well," he coughed, "You've heard _of_ me, I'll bet. But I've heard of _you_! Ohhh, you're Dib, that's _brilliant_!" he replied, bouncing on his toes in a giddy manner. Zim cleared his throat, grabbing the Doctor's attention again. The Time Lord smiled politely at him. "Ah, right, sorry. That was rude and unprofessional. You were saying, Zim?"

"Yes, yes, where was I?" Zim asked, before he went back to shrieking. "HOW DID YOU GET ONTO MY SPACE STATION?!" the Irken bellowed, levelling an accusing finger at the Time Lord. The Doctor shrugged nonchalantly, still grinning widely.

"Oh, no _real_ difficulty, didn't really mean to intrude." answered the Doctor. "I was passing by and stumbled across you out here. Am I interrupting anything important?"

The children continued staring at the strange man who had so suddenly appeared. Although confused, Dib did look slightly relieved at the Doctor's sudden intervention. Gaz was still markedly unimpressed, sending an icy look in the newcomer's direction.

"Are you going to talk all day, or are you planning to get us down before Zim blows something up?" she growled. Priorities suddenly reasserted, Dib interrupted the Doctor before he could reply with a witty retort.

"Hey, what do you mean you were passing by? Are you an alien? How do you know who I am?! Who are you?!" the child asked. Realising that he had tarried long enough, the Doctor crossed over to their holding spot.

Digging into his suit jacket again, he brought out his sonic screwdriver and undid the energy shackles with little effort. Free, both children dropped to the floor, landing on their feet. They were pretty short as well, so the Doctor reasoned that the oldest of the two was probably twelve, but he knew better than to assume they were stupid.

Electing to answer Dib, he nodded quietly so that only he and his sister could hear. "Better than Zim and right now, that's all the proof you need. I'll explain later, alright?" the Time Lord muttered pointedly. He raised his voice to more conversational levels so that Zim wouldn't get too suspicious of him. "So! Your name is Dib, right? Professor Membrane's son... so that means you're…" he began, turning to Gaz.

"Gaz." she answered, coldly glaring up at him.

" _Gaz_!" the Doctor exclaimed loudly, everybody in the room jumped at the sudden exultation. "Awww, I've always wanted to meet Professor Membrane! What a scientist!"

Glancing around like an excited puppy, the Doctor looked for the Professor, expecting him to be similarly situated. "Is _he_ here?" the alien wondered, happily bouncing on the balls of his feet, beaming at the children. The youngest of the pair continued scowling at him, withering his smile away.

"No. And if you're gonna continue talking like a lunatic, I suggest you don't talk at all." Gaz glowered, rubbing her wrists. The Doctor looked disappointed before rolling his eyes back to her brother.

"Charming!" he tutted.

Becoming aware of someone breathing down his neck, he spun around to find himself eye-to-eye with Zim. From the back-mounted pseudo life-support system known as the PAK, four spider-like legs held the Irken up at eye level, the Meson-Bombarder in one hand. Judging from the way Zim was holding it, it looked like he was considering using it as a bludgeon against this new nuisance rather than as a weapon of mass destruction.

"Oh, you're still here," the Doctor mumbled, clearing his throat, "Uh, don't worry about a thing, I'll take these two off your hands-"

"Cease your mouth-hole _noise_! You're not going _anywhere_!" Zim growled. The Doctor nodded slowly, not quite intimidated yet. He'd been through the routine more than a few times and wasn't impressed by Zim in the slightest.

"… Riiiiight." he said, sounding sceptical. "Okay."

"Don't mock me, _fool_. I'm an Irken Invader and I'm about to seal the fate of that smelly little world down below!" Zim growled, flailing the device to emphasise his point.

"I'd gathered, Zim." the Doctor shrank back a little when the heavy-looking device swung far too close to his nose, grimacing. Considering Zim thought that the Time Lord was human and therefore stupid, the Doctor decided to press that advantage and pulled something out of his pocket.

Zim stopped making random threats about some kind of newt when he spotted the energy converter, eyeing it hungrily. "Well, in that case, how about a trade instead?" the Doctor offered, "Why don't you let me and the children go and in return I render unto Caesar what is Caesar's. Sounds like a fair trade, doesn't it?" he asked, holding out the offending tube.

As the Doctor expected, Zim snatched it off of him without inspecting it, placing it in the Meson-Bombarder. The Invader cackled wildly as it powered up.

"You should never have compared me to a salad, human! You've only delayed your **DOOM** momentarily. After all, where _would_ you go when the Earth becomes a frozen, radioactive nightmare?!" he sneered, crossing to a bank of computers.

"Barcelona." the Doctor replied without skipping a beat. Zim shook his head in confusion before lapsing back into his overtly hammy tones.

"Uh, anyway... **BEHOOOOLD**!" he cackled, holding the device aloft. Electricity crackled as he connected it into a terminal behind him, bathing the whole room in a red glow.

Making a dive for the alien and the console, Dib tried to stop him, but Zim's PAK calmly let him step over the boy. The Invader cranked a lever and the platform with the Meson-Bombarder connected to it raised itself and Zim out of Dib's reach. Thwarted, Dib crashed to the floor.

Upon the window facing the Earth, a ticking timer appeared, counting down from thirty. Unimpressed by the show, the Doctor casually stuffed both hands into his pockets, looking bored. "You sure you wanna go through with this, Zim?" he asked. The Irken nodded slowly.

"Pretty sure." he affirmed, turning back to the terminal. The Doctor calmly craned his head up to stare at the Irken.

"I only ask cause- _ow_!" he stopped, his usual "last chance" speech and look of casual indifference shattered when he felt a sudden blow on his arm. He rubbed it, looking indignantly in Gaz's direction. "What was that for?!" he whined.

"You tell me, _genius!_ " Gaz snarled. "Tell me why I shouldn't _end_ you _,_ _right now_."

"Yeah, what the heck were you thinking?! Now Zim's going to destroy the whole planet!" Dib chimed in, desperately trying to scale his way up the walls to the terminal. With a venomous glare, he made a leap for it only for Zim to kick Dib from the edge of the platform, tossing GIR over to another console.

"GIR, prepare the human world for _maximum_ _destruction_!" the Irken commanded. GIR didn't listen, bashing either side of his head with metallic fists.

"I'm gonna make mah melon sing!" he whooped. Rolling his eyes, Zim went about the task himself, while down below, the (mostly) human trio stood watching the unfolding chaos. The Doctor ambled to the foot of the platform Zim was on, looking straight up at him.

"Zim, you do know the difference between a burnt out energy converter cell and a live one, don't you?" he called up.

"Yes, why?" snapped Zim.

"Well, it just so happens that I had a bit of a problem with my ship earlier and I think I might've mixed up one of your nice clean cells with a ruined one from the TARDIS." the Doctor held up a small, silver cylinder. "Whoops." he added with a smile.

Like clockwork, the Meson-Bombarder began to wildly jerk in its holster at the Doctor's words, glowing brighter and brighter. When the inevitable explosion happened, it sent the diminutive Irken and his SIR unit tumbling head over heels to the ground below, showering the various control panels with shrapnel.

For a moment, everything was still, Zim groaning on the floor as the console crackled with flames, scarred by the shrapnel. Then, a bassy rumble split the air around them and the whole space was alive with whooping klaxons and sirens, sounding an alert.

" _WARNING! REACTOR COMPROMISED! WARNING! REACTOR COMPROMISED!_ " the alarm shrieked as flames began to rise abruptly around the dying space station. The Time Lord scratched his head, taking a moment to mull the announcement over.

"Hm. Interesting set-up you've got here, Zim. I _do_ question the wisdom of anybody who plugs a powerful piece of machinery like the Meson-Bombarder into a delicately wired control terminal." the Doctor mused, the whole station listing to one side. "Not to mention that one little malfunction seems to have set the reactor off. Ah well, best not to dawdle. Allons-y!"

Without warning, he scooped up both Dib and Gaz, much to their annoyance, sprinting back in the direction of the TARDIS. He'd been able to work out that the vents he'd crawled along ran adjacent to the corridors, so he wouldn't have to spend time working out their escape. He bounded along the serpentine walkways and passages with an almost casual air.

Not that he was the only one taking the collapsing space station in their stride. Both of the children he'd rescued didn't seem to be panicking as much as he thought they might've. If anything, they seemed oddly used to the whole thing, more focused on breaking free from his grip than anything else.

The sirens aboard Zim's space station began to reach a deafening crescendo as the Doctor closed in on his beloved time-capsule. He didn't even realise that Dib was shrieking at him until he felt the kid tugging on his jacket in desperation.

"Where are you going?! The escape pods are that way!" he bellowed, pointing madly back the way they'd came. The Doctor rounded the corner and the blue shape of the TARDIS swung into view, just in time for him to scoff loudly at Dib's warning, letting both of the children go.

"Escape pods? Ha! Who needs em?! I've got something _better_ than a million escape pods!" he laughed, sauntering towards the Police Box. Unsurprisingly, given the unassuming nature of the TARDIS, the pair were less than impressed, Gaz in particular.

"A box?" she noted unceremoniously. "Well, this day just got _better._ "

Ignoring the girl, the Doctor unlocked the TARDIS door and motioned for the pair to go inside. When neither Dib nor Gaz budged, the Doctor decided that they urgently needed to leave and helpfully shepherded them inside.

He was just about to close the doors behind him when somebody pulled on his trouser leg. Looking down, he found GIR standing at his side, a half-eaten pizza dangling from his grip.

"Where you goin'?" he squeaked. The Doctor opened his mouth to answer, but was interrupted by GIR rushing past the Doctor and into the TARDIS. Pressed for time, the Doctor shrugged.

"Okay, an insane SIR unit, harmless enough I suppose… !" he told himself, turning to leave once more. But once again he was interrupted, this time when Zim came screaming up the collapsing corridor. Currently trying to outrun a fireball the size of a house, the Irken leapt at the safe haven of the TARDIS.

"Let me in!" he begged, mid-jump. Part of the Doctor wanted to close the door in his face, after all he _had_ just kidnapped two children and was intending to destroy humankind... but the other part of him relented, pushing the door open a little wider. He stood out of the way, but the Irken Invader fell just short of the opening. Reaching out, the Doctor yanked Zim inside the time-capsule, Zim mumbling incoherently about his mission as he caught his breath.

"I probably won't regret this." the Doctor said to himself. "Probably."

Invader Zim still sat on the grating of the TARDIS catwalk, so the Doctor excused himself and nudged the Irken inside with his foot, trying to close the door. So preoccupied with his task, the Doctor failed to notice that a single, unbroken viewscreen hummed to life. On it was an active video feed of two very tall, very similar-looking Irkens, each one completely and utterly baffled by what met their eyes.

* * *

In the dark recesses of space, unbelievably far from the Earth, the Irken Armada and its flagship, the Massive, cut a path through the void. Onboard the gigantic battle cruiser, the twin leaders of the Irken race known as the Almighty Tallest were very busy having a lazy day.

Or, more accurately, a lazier day than one might expect from a bunch of galactic conquerors like the Irken Empire. The sole reason for this was the dreadnought itself. Aboard the Massive, there was nothing that could touch them. The colossal ship was without equal, even if it wasn't flanked on all sides by the hundreds, if not thousands of support craft.

Together, there was nothing that could threaten them and even alone, the Massive's shields could weather the onslaught of an entire Cyber-Legion _without_ their entourage.

As a result of frequently being onboard one of the safest vessels in the entire Universe, Almighty Tallest Red and Almighty Tallest Purple had grown incredibly lazy and very, very spoiled since they assumed office. Instead of leading a military-orientated race like tacticians, they spent more time playing videogames or randomly ejecting staff from the airlocks whenever they got bored. That sort of heavy thinking was left to the Control Brains, the true masters of the Irken race.

Instead, the Almighty Tallest were lounging around on the couch they'd just taken from Invader Larb on Vort. The Invader had put up no resistance when giving his leaders what they wanted, mostly because that would have ended with him being jettisoned into a black hole. The Tallest, eager to try out their new prize, decided to make the most of it and recruited two unlucky "volunteers" to cool their emperors by fanning them with large palm leaves.

One of the volunteers was not happy about this. "This is not what I had in mind when I passed my Elite examination." she'd hissed. Her fellow shot her an equally grumpy glance, nodding.

Almighty Tallest Red overheard the remark and smirked. "Just keep going and maybe I won't demote you to a janitor or something for that." he hummed. The Elites with the fans exchanged glances, then redoubled their pace.

"You know, there's nothing quite like doing nothing." Almighty Tallest Purple sighed.

Red sighed, closing his eyes. "You're talking. Talking is something. Shut up, I want to take a nap."

Purple wasn't listening to his brother. "Y'know, I never got that "sleep" thing. You aren't even sick, so why do it?" he mused.

"To relax. Shut up already."

The other Tallest did no such thing. "Hey, we haven't heard from Zim in a while. Do you think he's dead?"

Red grimaced. "Yes! Now clam it."

"I'm only asking because the last time he was left alone unsupervised, he clogged up our mail systems for a week." Purple reminded him. "I still can't believe he sent fifteen mission reports per day. For three months!"

Growling irritably, Red straightened up, batting the leafy frond from him as he rose. "Alright, fine, let's take a vote! All those in favour of talking to Zim, the greatest reject our society has ever created, raise your hand!" he snapped, sarcastically looking around the room. Nobody, bar Almighty Tallest Purple, did so.

Purple snorted. "Oh come on, you're scaring them into listening to you! Hey! Agree with me or I'll have you all fired! Out of the Sweep Cannon!" the Tallest threatened. The staff aboard the bridge shot some nervous glances between one another and Tallest Red.

Relenting, Red crossed to the communications terminal. "You know what? If it'll shut you up for _five minutes_ while we've got the most comfortable couch in the universe onboard, we'll do it. Patch me through to the Central Control Brain on Irk and let him know that-"

Red didn't get a chance to finish his sentence as the main viewscreen lit up. Upon it, the image of a being resembling a giant, oversized PAK filled the opaque surface; a Control Brain. A series of smaller, speckled orbs surrounded the behemoth, making this more than a casual visit. The Collective of Control Brains had something important to say to them.

Both Almighty Tallest gulped and exchanged looks, much like the underlings that Red had told off earlier. "Oh. We were just about to call-" Red began, but the biggest Brain, the Central Control Brain that lived on Irk itself, interrupted him.

" **WE HAVE RECIEVED NO REPORTS OF ZIM ACTIVITY WITHIN THE LAST THREE WEEKS."** it told them.

"Well, we haven't either, so we were wondering if you knew if Zim was still alive-" Purple stammered. The Brain rotated a little on its mounting to glare at him instead.

" **ZIM LIVES AND MUST BE CONTROLLED. YOU WILL ENACT PASSIFICATION PROTOCOL D, WITHOUT HESITATION. INVADER ZIM MUST BE MONITORED. REPEAT, REQUIRED CHECKUP ON INVADER ZIM MUST BEGIN IMMEDIATELY."** it demanded.

Whatever misgivings he had before, Almighty Tallest Red's arguments were useless now. Ignoring the demands of a Control Brain was one thing, but this one was the most important one in the whole Empire. To it, he and his brother were but figureheads, who'd come and go.

In contrast, the Central Irk Brain was the Alpha and the Omega, the immortal, supreme computer that dictated all. All the plotting and scheming that went on inside it would make a normal being's head spin, to say nothing of the overall scheming that went on in the Collective of the Control Brains.

"Oh, uh... sure, yeah, we'll do that." Red coughed, hands tied. "In fact, we were just going to."

The image flickered away and the Tallest allowed themselves to breathe again. Purple recovered the quickest and folded his arms.

"Y'see? Looks like I was right!" he said, smug. "Looks like we have to call Zim after all!"

Red grumbled something unflattering, but he knew better than to defy the will of the Brains. Being figureheads, he and his brother had to bow down to those who had the _real_ power. At least the Tallest sought comfort that they were mostly given free reign because the computers were always plotting and scheming in their attempts to make Irk the centre of the cosmos.

At least their citizens weren't too much trouble to them. Granted, it helped that most of the Irken population was stupid and easily led, but those that weren't were either smart enough to support their masters or keep their mouths _shut._

Purple motioned to the technicians at the communications console, giving them the go-ahead. Scrolling through their list of contacts, mostly Invaders or Elites that had curried favour with them, they eventually found Zim... albeit not in the section they'd thought they'd find him in.

"Uuuurgh, again? I thought we _fixed_ that glitch." Red muttered, pointing at the "Invader" before Zim's name. Purple stretched, arching his long back as he sat up.

"Telling the little pest not to call us during our downtime or Zim being registered as a proper Invader?" he wondered. Red frowned.

"Both."

Zim wasn't _really_ an Invader, not anymore. The diminutive maniac had single handedly demolished their previous galactic conquest mission, Operation Impending Doom, years before. He'd already had a trail of destruction following him back through the years, but that was the final straw. After _accidentally_ killing all the other Invaders, Zim had been exiled to Foodcourtia as a fast-food drone. There, the Tallest had thought he'd stay, under the watchful eye of one of the most successful veterans Irkenkind had ever seen.

Of course, it didn't stick. Through either denial or plain stupidity, Zim hadn't got the message and continued to think himself as an Invader. When Impending Doom 2 rolled around, he'd turned up and the Almighty Tallest had to improvise and send him as far away from the Empire as possible. But rather perish in space as they'd planned, Zim survived, convinced that the secret mission he'd been sent on was the linchpin of Operation Impending Doom 2.

That had put a spanner in the works, to say the least. The Control Brains had decided against a proper execution, worried that such a dangerous character could rebel, encouraging the Tallest to keep going with the charade and told Zim to observe and conquer the planet known as "Earth". One failed Existence Evaluation had shown them how wise that technique was. Even when... other parties tried to convince him otherwise, Zim remained oblivious to his position in Irken society. Miles and miles away from anything important.

And both the Control Brains and the Almighty Tallest wanted it kept that way.

"Alright... urgh… let's get this over with…" Almighty Tallest Red grumbled, motioning at the communications officer again. A few seconds of static passed as the dialling tone continued.

"That's... new." Purple observed. "He's usually pretty prompt."

"Hm." Red nodded, steepling his fingers.

"Maybe he isn't at home?" the other Irken leader suggested. His brother shook his head, face thoughtful.

"No, no, the protocol is meant to talk to him by homing in on his PAK signal... and if we don't get him now, he'll call us back. I'm all for dealing with this situation as quickly as possible." Red pointed out. He nodded at the communications officer once again. "You! Break us through and see what the trouble is! The last thing we want is Zim trying to reverse the charges on us again... long distance calls are such a nightmare."

The screen fizzled and snapped as the viewscreen displayed an Irken space station, with Zim's voice carrying through the noise somewhere in the background. Deciding that it was a problem on his end, Red decided to handle the situation as normal.

"So, Zim," he began, kneading his forehead, "If you could just roll out the doomsday device as quickly as possible today, it'd be a _great_ help. We're really busy here and have a lot of important stuff to do."

There was no reply. Silence filled the bridge, an air of apprehension building. The frustration that Zim caused the Almighty Tallest translated as fear to the general Irken populace. From far away, they could ridicule him to their hearts content, but actually interacting with him was a thing few wanted to do.

Frustrated at the lack of an answer, Red tapped his foot, head still in his hands. "Hey, Zim! Come on, we haven't all day!"

Purple shushed him. "Hey, wait... I don't think that room should be shaking so much... and is that fire?" asked the other Tallest.

Red looked up at the screen and saw what his brother meant. The scene that met him was not of Zim proudly holding aloft some kind of grilled fish as an example, but of a storage bay onboard the station, with the installation around it clearly coming to the end of its life. _Violently._

Predictably, in the middle of it all, Zim lay flat on his face in front of some sort of large wooden box. The Invader's antennae flicked upwards and he got to his feet, slowly turning around to face his leaders. With a panicked glance at his exploding surroundings, Zim looked less than pleased the Tallests were calling him at that moment.

"My Tallest, I er-" he squeaked, shocked. A look of dread began to spread across his face and the Invader suddenly screamed; "DON'T LOOK, I'M NOT **READY!"** at the top of his lungs.

Red, having seen Zim's failures too many times to count, was about to cut the transmission when he noticed something new inside the box, standing behind Zim. It looked like a human male, holding onto a door that allowed entry into the crate, now staring at the Almighty Tallest with what looked like barely restrained contempt. The Tallest stared back, the rumbling of the dying station doing nothing to hide the awkward silence between them.

"Aaaaand you are?" the purple-robed Tallest questioned, breaking the ice. The man kept glaring.

Zim, suddenly realising who the Tallest were referring to, began to hyperventilate, horror-struck. Both the Almighty Tallest and the man looked down at Zim until, with a concerned frown, the man sheepishly pulled Zim inside the box and shut the door. A moment passed, then the beacon atop the box flashed and the entire thing vanished into thin air with a series of loud, groaning wails.

It was at this point that the transmission finally decided to end as the station came to an end, the occupants of the Massive still staring blankly at the static-filled screen, but they all shared the same, unspoken opinion.

That was bizarre, even for Zim.

* * *

Purple and Red remained speechless as they watched the Massive's main viewscreen turn into white fog as Zim's space station finally exploded. The Elites who'd been fanning them and the rest of the Massive's bridge crew turned as one to look at the two Tallest, who still stood frozen, blankly staring ahead. Knowing that they were more likely to take their temper out on their underlings, the group wisely decided to scrabble for the exit. Both of the Almighty Tallest remained oblivious to the carnage as the crew fought to leave.

Bewildered as he was, Purple was the first one to break the silence. "What the hell was that?!" he yelped, waving his arms around. His brother, a much more restrained man than his twin, simply dismissed the static with a wave of one hand. Inbuilt sensors made the viewscreen fade away to the starry mess of space outside.

"I mean, who was that?!" Purple screeched. "What was that box thing?"

"How the hell should I know?" Red snapped, linking his hands together again. It wasn't like they'd never seen Zim exploding before, but a human actively assisting him? That was new. Red's brows were furrowed in intense concentration as he milled the whole thing through.

"Is Zim dead?!" the other Tallest asked. That was too much for Red, who spun on his heel to glare at Purple.

"Don't be so stupid! There isn't enough luck in the whole universe for that. Whoever... _whatever_ that thing was, it was _rescuing_ the little moron... which means that it had to be either enslaved by, or is working _with_ Zim... which could mean that he's finished with Earth." he said slowly.

"Finished?" Purple gulped. Zim's "glorious" return in the middle of Operation Impending Doom 2 would be _catastrophic._ "No, no, you gotta remember... this is _Zim_ we're talking about."

Red nodded. "That's true," he conceded, "Or maybe he's... no, that wouldn't make any sense at all."

"What?"

"Maybe Zim's gone rogue." Red suggested.

At this point, all tension bled away and Purple scoffed loudly. "Pfft, fat chance." the Tallest snorted. "We know he's too _stupid_ to defect. And loyal, I guess. But mostly stupid."

"Yeah... but do the Brains know that?"

Purple tilted his head as his brother approached him. "I don't follow you."

"Well, they let us hold that Existence Evaluation, remember?" the crimson-robed Irken reminded his fellow ruler. "And we each got a clear view of Zim acting "suspiciously", right?"

"So...?"

Red sighed. "Whoever that human-creature was, we've got footage of him assisting Zim recorded on our PAKs. Now, unless the little smeebly has _vastly_ improved his hypnotism skills, there's no way it was acting on his orders, right?"

"I... still don't follow." Purple shrugged. Groaning, his brother shook his head.

"Our PAKs can pull the memory from our brains to show the Control Brains. No matter what they've decided to do with Zim before, they can't just ignore the idea of him being a traitor, it's against their programming." Red explained. Once again, Purple looked blankly at the other Almighty Tallest.

"Meaning… ?" Purple blinked and Red covered his face with his hand. Waiting to see if the other Tallest would get it, he continued when he didn't.

" _This_ could be our answer to our problem! It's the perfect opportunity to label Zim as a traitor! After that mess on Judgementia, the Brains _know_ he's dangerous to even _them._ Even if they re-registered him as an Invader, _this_ sort of evidence will mess him up _good._ He'll be banished, gone _forever_!" he spelled out.

The penny dropped and his brother laughed, bouncing around like an excitable puppy. "You're kidding, right?! I get it! Even if they find him innocent, he'll be tied up with paperwork for _months!"_ Purple guffawed.

It seemed too good to be true. On one hand, this could be the answer to the ever-persistent problem that Zim had been ever since they'd laid eyes on the little snot. On the other, it could be a way to get rid of said snot for a little while.

Happy as he was, Purple's smile fell when he saw his brother frown again. "No, stop it," he said, "When you make that face, you ruin things, Red!"

"I can't help it. The more I think about it, the less likely it becomes. You remember what happened with Judgementia. He killed off three Control Brains and they let him pilot the Massive! He didn't even use it to conquer that stupid planet we sent him to!" Red huffed. "Even if those Brains were corrupted, none of the others did anything to punish him for it."

"Well, we can hope they'll listen to us, right? What's the worst that could happen?" Purple shrugged. Red placed a two-fingered hand under his chin.

"They might think we're trying to mislead them and put _us_ on trial instead." he muttered. "Ah, screw it, we're the Almighty Tallest. We can just blame one of those stooges that are blocking the door."

Purple followed his brother's gaze to the only exit to the room, the bridge crew still desperately trying to escape. All they'd accomplished was getting stuck. Crossing over to them, Purple plucked a random technician from the pile.

"Set a course for Judgementia. We're going to see the Control Brains in charge of Law and Order." he instructed. The green-eyed technician began to protest.

"But I'm just a technician. I can't fly the ship!" he squeaked. Purple smiled, shaking his head as he dropped his servant onto the others.

"Oh, that's alright. I can just fire you out of the airlock if you DON'T DO WHAT I SAY!" he bellowed suddenly, calm again in an instant. "So, we all clear on what we're doing now?"

The group stopped struggling out the door and turned to face their leader. "Yes, My Tallest." they chorused. The technician, now a pilot, gulped and saluted, much to Purple's satisfaction.

"That's better!" he said.


	3. Chapter 3

The TARDIS bobbed and shook as she fell through the Time Vortex, unharmed by both the temporal energies and the disastrous end of Zim's space station. Inside, the Doctor stared into the central column as he stabilised the craft, looking through the rising column to stare at his new passengers.

He was annoyed at how his day was going so far, he reflected. Being seen by the Almighty Tallest, who had enough of a reputation that the Doctor disliked them on sight, had irritated him to no end, even when he compared it to discovering Zim's operation on Earth. Not that Zim hadn't contributed too: the little Irken had placed the Earth in terrible danger simply by being himself.

But for all his faults, he also had Zim to thank for the hasty exit or the situation could have gotten _worse_. With the Time Lord protected by the TARDIS from the dying station, either side could have said something they shouldn't and before they knew it, embroil the Earth in a full-scale invasion. Zim being on the edge of a panic attack had prevented that scenario, so he owed him a little bit of gratitude at least. Say what you liked about the Irken Invader, but the Doctor couldn't fault Zim's talent at drawing attention to himself.

Still, it was over now. The TARDIS had safely departed, carrying her passengers back to Earth. The little group was taking the sudden change in surroundings quite well, but each one was probably still trying to get their head around the TARDIS' transcendental dimensions. The Doctor felt his mood pick up a little, gleefully anticipating those oh-so-inevitable words...

"ISSAT A HAND?!" GIR screeched, pointing at a jar below the console. The Doctor followed his finger, groaned and nudged the jar out of sight.

"Shush, GIR. Play with this for a while." he said, tossing his long coat at the SIR. The blissfully unaware robot smiled and tossed the trenchcoat back at him.

Sighing, the Doctor tossed it to one side and took stock of his temporary passengers once more; two confused children, a blissfully unaware robot currently screaming about yaks and a very angry Irken Invader. Dib was probably having the most normal reaction of the four, slowly spinning in a circle to take in the shiny golden interior of the TARDIS. Once again, the Doctor leant forwards...

"What? How is it-?" Dib stammered, "It's _bigger_ on the…"

"No-one _cares_!" Zim snapped, angrily pushing the boy aside. Striding past the stricken human, the Irken levelled his finger at the Time Lord, who looked down on him with a mixture of annoyance, exasperation and confusion. _"You,_ you insolent... **T** **HING**! YOU _RUINED_ MY PLAN!"

Disappointed and considering the accusation, the Doctor decided to agree. "Yep." he replied, nodding. He swept past Zim, moving to help Dib back to his feet, but the boy immediately snatched back his hand, eyes wide and accusing.

"Get off of me! You're… you're one of _them_ , aren't you?! AREN'T YOU?!" he squealed, scrambling up. Dib backed up and fell over into another undignified heap with a yelp. "You're an alien!"

Gaz drew her eyes from the rising and falling central column to roll them at her brother. "What was your first clue?" she snorted, gesturing around the console room.

Her brother didn't answer her, but he did take the Doctor's helping hand without complaint this time, though he was a little hesitant. The Doctor smiled encouragingly at the boy. "Yeah, yeah I am. Nice to meet you, Dib." he grinned. Dib embarrassedly mumbled a thanks, dusting himself down as his sister turned her attention to the Doctor instead.

"Who are you?" she asked pointedly. "How do you know who we are? Where we where?"

"I'm the Doctor. As for the rest, well, you're famous... er, the _offspring_ of a famous scientist and I was passing by when I saw you needed help." he replied. Behind his glasses, Dib's eyes bugged out.

" _Oh my god, he's_ _ **the Doctor**_!" he squeaked. "Gaz, he's the Doctor!"

"Be quiet, Dib." Gaz ordered, ignoring the withering look the Doctor sent her. "What kind of doctor?"

"Oh, well, we can ask Dib that one, he seems to know!" the Doctor smiled. This was met with a blank look from boy and the Doctor's face fell again. "You... you do _know_ who I am, don't you?" he asked.

Dib shifted uncomfortably. "Well, I've heard _of_ you, but I can't really remember... but it can only be bad!" he said, shying away from the human-like alien. Shrugging, the Doctor turned back towards Gaz.

"Well... a doctor of everything, really. Sort of hard to explain." he explained, rubbing the back of his head. As he did, he noticed that Zim had taken an interest in the TARDIS console. The Irken might not know how to work the time-capsule, but the Doctor wouldn't put it past him to figure out how. Even random button-pressing might cause irreparable damage to all those present, so it was prudent to keep an eye on him.

He moved towards Zim's side of the console and made himself busy again, the Invader sliding away with a grim, quiet hiss. "Like I said before, I was just passing through. I saw that you and your brother were in trouble, not to mention the Earth and I decided to step in." he said. The Doctor glanced over his shoulder to grin at the children. "I'm sure you'd be able to handle it any other time, but we all have off days." he added reassuringly.

Zim distanced from the central hub, the Doctor turned his attention to Dib again. "Really, you know my name, but nothing else? That's a bit... odd." he mused. "Tell you what, look me up on the internet. Try your Swollen Eyeball site's cryptid files, I'm _probably_ kicking around there somewhere. Just make sure you spell "TARDIS" with capital letters."

Dib, more likely than not, had many questions for the Time Lord. How did the Doctor know about the Swollen Eyeball Network? What did he _really_ have planned? And why did he and Dib have the same idea about long coats? The Doctor would be more than happy to answer each and every one of them, just to get a chance to talk to Dib and Gaz, children of the great Professor Membrane, whose own future lay ahead of them.

Unfortunately, he got as far as opening his mouth before he was inevitably drowned out by the barrage of questions directed at him by a certain certain Irken Invader.

"Enough of this chatter-chitting!" Zim roared, rearing up once more on the mechanical legs that sprouted from his PAK. "I _demand_ to know what you are! Name your species and homeworld! What is this _thiiiiing_ we're in?!"

The Doctor took a breath. "Well-"

"SILENCE! I wasn't finished!" snapped Zim. "What plans do you have for the Earth?! It's mine to conquer! _Mine_! Fall before **ZIM**!"

As if he needed encouragement after the tirade, Gaz verbally prodded him. "Answer him." she commanded tersely.

Glancing between the distrusting human siblings and the screaming Irken, he realised that this little encounter was going to hell in a hand basket, Tallest or no Tallest. He glanced at Dib for help, but the boy was still coming to terms with the TARDIS. He still looked mystified by the ship, his look of astonishment only occasionally broken by a hostile look at the Doctor.

Deciding that he should probably let them get it out of their systems, the Doctor cleared his throat. Explanations were due. Not necessarily detailed ones, but enough to satisfy them for now. He'd get to that later.

That in mind, he went on. "I'm a time traveller, so I've got an advantage over everybody else when it comes to spacecraft. And I may _occasionally_ save planets and the like, but that's just a hobby," he explained, _"Well..._ pretty time-consuming hobby. This thing we're in now is my ship, my time machine. She's called the TARDIS."

The Doctor stopped, waiting for some reaction from Zim, tilting his head questioningly. He just stood staring at the taller alien blankly, looking behind him just to make sure it was him. "Nothing? No?" the Doctor asked.

"Were you expecting applause? You named your ship, so what?" Zim growled. Surprised, the Doctor held up his hands in apology.

"Nah, nevermind then!" he apologised. "Anyway, when you two kids are done drinking in the sights, I'll drop you off home. Same goes for you, Zim. I'll give you an hour or two to pack your things and then I'll tow you home. Least I can do, considering that your space-station was probably a bit expensive. You can save on fuel at least."

The Doctor's plan was fairly straight forwards and he certainly expected no objections to it, but surprisingly, Dib was the first one to protest before Zim could even compose an indignant "how dare you" speech. "Hey, hey, hey, wait a second!" he objected. "You can't just _get rid_ of Zim like that!" protested Dib.

"Darn straight." Zim said puffing out his little chest.

"I've been trying to get rid of him for a couple of years now and you think you can do it in ten minutes?!" Dib said. "No way! I'm going to capture him, dissect him and expose your whole horrible alien world to everybody! The whole _world_ deserves to see what's really going on!"

"You?! Destroy me?! Laughable!" Zim sneered. "Don't get silly ideas put into your big head, monster-boy! Your world's fate is **INEVITABLE!** "

"My head's not big!" Dib growled, leaping at him. The pair met halfway and within seconds the two started a brawl, rolling around on the metallic grating of the TARDIS floor.

"Oi! Quit it!" the Doctor snapped. He tried to pry the pair apart, but the scuffle rapidly rolled out of his reach. Slapping one of GIR's hands away from the TARDIS controls, the Doctor felt himself gravitating a little more towards Gaz, being the only other person that had yet to begin screaming at the top of their lungs. She still seemed unimpressed by the TARDIS, casually inspecting the central dais before stepping back to let Zim and Dib complete their circuit of the room.

"Are those two always at each other's throats like this?" he asked her, jerking a thumb at the scuffle. He made another attempt to break them apart, nearly losing his hand (again!) when Zim snapped at him. Pink those teeth may have been, but Irkens had quite a bite.

Gaz turned towards him. "Pretty much." she glowered, opening one eye a little wider to glare at the Time Lord. "So, how long will it be before you leave us alone?" she asked.

"Um." began the Doctor.

As if to signal an end to the insanity, the central column of the TARDIS stopped rising and falling, signalling their arrival at the first pit-stop. Rumbling with the audible thump of materialisation, the ship shook Dib and Zim out of their little wrestling match, the pilot of the fantastical craft sweeping by the pair to throw open the door. Instead of Zim's space station, outside the mysterious blue box lay Professor Membrane's home, its little electric fence humming merrily in the evening sunlight.

"Well, to answer your question, sort of now." the Doctor replied. "Right, time to disembark! You two can head off now, kids, while I deal-"

He was interrupted as Gaz stalked by, dragging her brother by the collar of his overcoat as he struggled to right himself, either to continue what he'd started with Zim or simply to examine the inside of the Police Box. The Doctor met his gaze and was surprised when the boy pointed very aggressively at him.

"I'm on to you, _alien!_ " Dib warned him. "You think you're _so_ smart, getting rid of Zim so there'll be no competition for you to take over the Earth! Well you're wrong! _I'll_ be watching! And waiting! And waiting! And waiting! And waiting! And-"

He probably would have kept going for a while, but Dib's tirade was cut off when Gaz dragged him into the house, slamming the front door behind them. Shaking his head at the boy's... eccentricity, the Doctor caught Zim staring hungrily at the controls from the corner of his eye. With a sigh, he closed the TARDIS doors and strode towards the console once again.

Zim was too busy muttering to himself to really notice as the Doctor approached, rubbing his hands together with barely disguised glee. "Yeeess, with this... _Tar-dy-is,_ I'd be able to warp to and fro wherever I please. I could even go back to Irk and report back to the Tallest _in person_ and be back in time to doom-conquer the Earth!" he snickered. "A useful tool!"

"A bit more than a tool." the Doctor interrupted. "If you want to compare, she's more like GIR, if I'm honest. Sentient, just not conventional."

"Are you _still_ here?" Zim asked, glancing over his shoulder.

"Well, I live here, so yes." the Doctor nodded. "So, yeah, Zim... bleh, can't really think of what to say to you considering we've only just met. How long have you been in the Invader game then?"

"Long enough to realise a threat!" the Irken snarled. He turned on his heel. "Don't think I _didn't_ notice that you didn't answer my question! What race _are_ you?" he glowered.

"Time Lord." the Doctor answered, standing tall. A pregnant pause was filled only with the sounds of the TARDIS' engines and GIR muttering something to his stuffed duck. Surprisingly, Zim didn't seem to be intimidated by the race's intimidating history and imposing name.

"Was that supposed to impress me?" he asked. The Doctor deflated a little, running his hand through his hair.

"Yeah, should have done," he admitted, "Well, that's not a _first_ , but it's refreshing to see someone not care when they find out, I suppose." the Doctor mumbled sheepishly. He tilted his head down at the Irken Invader, scrutinising him properly for the first time.

Despite all that had transpired, the Doctor knew better than to judge a book by its cover. He was old enough to realise that for all his screaming and insanity, Zim wasn't truly stupid. Book-smart at least. Now that his mission was under threat, the little Irken had a laser-focus that was quite enviable. But that didn't explain why Zim somehow lacked something that should be common knowledge.

That in mind, the Doctor folded his arms. "I could get Dib not really knowing who I am, I've cleaned up the internet once or twice to delete my records, so it isn't outlandish that he might not know." the Doctor announced. "But as for you, you really _should_. The Irken Empire is an advanced, pre- _and_ post-Time War species... doesn't make sense why you wouldn't know."

Zim snickered in a cocky fashion. "Well, Time _Loser_ , why would we _bother_? You call this a ship?! HA!" he barked. "The Irken Empire has _bathrooms_ more advanced than the machine in which we now stand! Your species would have been ground into the dirt before you even left your solar system!"

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't the Irken race struggling to get me past basic transcendental dimensions, let alone master space and time?" asked the Doctor, nudging through to the central hub. "Aren't your lot still stuck on the bread and circuses act?"

Zim took a moment to process the insult. "I... er... shut up." he said lamely. "We've got them. We just don't have a practical use for... making things bigger on the inside."

His new enemy wasn't really convinced by the argument. The Doctor set the TARDIS back into motion, the Police Box leaving the Membrane residence with a grinding wail of engines. "Now, you've _managed_ to do it. That's impressive enough, because it's quite hard to master." the Doctor nodded. "But I've yet to see the Irken race do anything with it other than small-scale projects. The SIRs having room-sized storage compartments, the big rugsack function in your PAK, that sort of thing."

"This is a small room." Zim pointed out, gesturing around the console room.

"In a living structure bigger than most planets." the Doctor countered. "Irken tech is impressive, but if you want _true_ transcendental dimensions, go Time Lord."

Zim kept staring. The Invader wasn't exactly convinced of the Doctor's argument, considering that the Irken race was _clearly_ superior to every other lifeform in existence. These "Time Lords" seemed far too human to be anything other than pathetic. Even their name reeked of pomposity, so the Invader decided to take the Doctor down a peg.

""Time Lord"," sneered Zim, "Hah. What have your kind ever done to deserve that moniker? I've _built_ a time-displacer and I've yet to assume _my_ rightful place as ruler of all things."

The Doctor shrugged at Zim, clearly giving up on a lost cause, monitoring the flight progress of his ship. "I didn't name us! Blame somebody with a bigger ego than me for that one." he said, moving around the console. The Doctor cranked the crank handle, stopping only to gently move GIR from his spot on the dais. He seemed to be having a tea party with the TARDIS and his stuffed duck, which was a sight calmer than he had been before

"Nice to see that somebody is better company." he smiled down at the SIR.

GIR stared up at the Doctor, drooling. He slowly placed the head of the duck in his mouth and bit down, slowly and deliberately tearing it off in full view of the Time Lord. "It tastes like eatin' a pillow!" he coughed, feathers going everywhere.

Zim joined the Doctor in throwing the SIR a concerned, horrified look. "He cried for four hours to get me to buy that thing." he lamented. The Doctor took out his sonic screwdriver, hesitantly tapping it in his palm.

"I _could_ fix him. Right now." the Doctor offered. Zim held up a hand, turning him down.

"No thanks. GIR gets a little crazier than normal when he's working... horribly, horribly, _crazyyy._ " he muttered, clenching his gloved hands together, eye twitching. His SIR cackled at this, though there was no malice behind his psychotic giggling.

Mildly disturbed by this time period's... _unique_ inhabitants and actively ignoring the fact that he had picked up the two creatures in the universe _more_ capable of chewing the scenery than _him_ , the tried to keep his attentions on the TARDIS. The time rotor of the living ship rose and fell melodiously, the Doctor's work only halting he'd realised what Zim had said, rounding on the Irken.

"Hey, wait, back up a minute! What do you _mean_ you built a time-displacer? How'd _you_ manage to build a temporal displacement device?! Do you have any idea how _insanely dangerous_ that is?!" the Doctor scolded. Zim could have caused some serious damage to time itself, but perhaps it explained why the TARDIS had been drawn here, if not the unusual hiccups she'd been having recently. It made more sense than blaming Woodstock, that was for certain.

Zim, barely phased by his concerns, replied. "I don't have it any more. I dismantled the equipment after a _horrible_ experience. Re-cranialisation was… hard to do." he explained, recalling the trials and tribulations he'd gone through trying to erase Dib from time. "So don't worry, Time _Lard,_ your precious timelines aren't of interest to me anymore. _"_

"Uh-huh." the Doctor said, not quite satisfied. At least he'd know where to look if the Time Vortex was in danger of exploding any time soon. Shaking his head, the Doctor flicked some buttons, took the emergency hammer from its hook and delicately tapped the glowing coral-like protrusions. Then, with a lot less finesse, he slammed it onto a small silver bell. That would hopefully keep the TARDIS from feeling the worst of things if Zim's failed experiment had any after-affects.

"Right!" said the Doctor, placing the hammer aside. "Where do you live, Zim?"

If Zim's prior screaming had been intense, the Doctor had experienced nothing quite like what was unleashed upon his ears next. He was used to being loud, but _Zim_ was on a whole other level.

" **FOOLISH** **FOOL**!" Zim roared, making the Doctor wince and grab his ears involuntarily. "Foolish _fooool!_ **ZIM** DOES NOT **REVEAL** THE LOCATION OF HIS BASE UPON **DEMAAAAAAND**!"

Zim, pressing his advantage, leapt up onto the single chair in the TARDIS' hub. "GIVE ME THIS _**SHIIIIP**_ **!"** he demanded.

"What?! No!" retorted the Doctor, now suddenly getting the "Irk" in "Irken", bamboozled and annoyed by the cacophonic pest. "You're going _home_!"

Zim deflated a little. "Ah, come on, please?" he asked.

"No."

"Please?"

"No!"

"Please?"

"Will you stop nattering for _just_ a teeny-weeny moment?"

Zim considered it for a moment before continuing. "Please?" he asked again.

The Doctor sighed and shook his head. Enough was enough. "Oh, nevermind. I'll figure out your base's location myself." he tutted, pouring over the small TARDIS scanner. "Who knows, I might even impress you."

Zim scoffed. "I'll enjoy watching you _fail_ instead, you pitifully inept pink-thing."

Leaning over the solitary monitor, his back to his passenger, the Doctor tapped instructions into the TARDIS computer using a dilapidated keyboard, narrating his actions. "Now, I want you to follow my lead. I'm going to have the TARDIS look for any large concentrations of Irken technology within walking distance of the children's home," he explained, a map of Zim's "home city" blossoming into view, "It'd make sense if you wanted to keep track of your enemy."

Still on the chair, Zim leant over the Doctor's shoulder as he worked. "Uh, no, no, you wouldn't do that." he muttered uneasily. It didn't deter the other alien, fingers dancing over the keys.

"Would too." the Doctor argued. "Now then, being an Irken Invader, you operate solo! That means you should be the only person on the planet with an Irken tech-cache. So, if I scan for anything like a subterranean base and its computer systems... well, you'd stick out like a sore thumb."

Frowning, the Doctor was immediately proven wrong. Instead of the needle in the haystack he'd anticipated, he watched a multitude of signals flashed on the map screen. "Oh. Sorry. The TARDIS is due an overhaul some time this century. I should've been more specific." mumbled the Doctor. "You must have a few operations set up. And more than a few decoys too, I'd guess."

" _Icanneitherconfirmnordenythatallegationpleasestop!_ " Zim snapped.

"Let's fix that." the Doctor suggested. Tapping the monitor with one knuckle, all but two vanished. Another smack left only the largest one visible to the Time Lord and the Irken. "There we go! Tell me what you think of _that!"_

As the Doctor levelled his finger at the dot, the screen shifted to show Zim's base; a tiny green house that was wedged tightly between two others, lawn gnomes scattered across a neglected front yard. Zim recognised his base and admittedly, he was a little shocked at the Doctor's brutal efficiency. He hadn't expected him to find his base at all, much less that quickly.

"Wha-? How'd you-?" Zim began, voice attempting to reach screaming pitch once again. Ignoring the potential temper tantrum, the Doctor threw the engines of the TARDIS into motion again, the time rotor baying with a powerful roar. Zim's voice still carried over the racket. "You cheated somehow! Explain yourself, Time... thing!"

The Doctor huffed as the short trip reached its end, the TARDIS shaking as she materialised. "Oh, come _on,_ Zim, I used the computer!" he replied. "I'd have got the same results using the phone book!"

* * *

Zim's base, oddly silent without its owner and his SIR, rumbled as the TARDIS thrummed into existence in the middle of the sitting room. The security systems didn't register the intruder until the door swung open and the Irken Invader was nudged outside.

"Unhand me! Unhand _meee!_ " Zim demanded, shrugging off the Doctor's guiding hand. The base computer systems spluttered into life at the presence of its master.

" _Intruder aler- oh. Hi, Master."_ Zim's Computer coughed. " _I was just... recalibrating the systems. What's that box thing?"_

"Silence, Computer! We have an intruder! Kill it with lasers!" demanded the Invader.

" _Oh, uh, okay."_

The Doctor strode out of the TARDIS, raised the sonic screwdriver and pressed the button on its side. It whirred, tip glowing blue and a loud **THUNK** split the air.

" _Master, you now have no weapons on this floor of the base."_ the Computer sighed. " _So, who are you?"_

"I'm the Doctor. You must be the Base." the Doctor guessed, looking around the sitting room. "This is nice! Tidy, _meticulously_ clean! By the way, don't try that again." he added, warning Zim. He doubled back, retrieving GIR and his overcoat, then closed the TARDIS doors. He locked them with an ordinary silver key which he then dropped into his breast pocket and turned towards the scowling Irken.

Zim was displeased at yet more failures and threw up his hands. "Oh, great, yet another of my evil minions proves to be _completely_ useless." he growled. GIR threw up his hands.

"Standin' right here." he protested. Zim and the Computer ignored him.

" _Have you tried killing him yourself?"_ asked the Computer.

"Standing right here!" the Doctor pointed out, hurt. Zim and the Computer ignored him too, the short alien staring up at the ceiling.

"I'm not going to use my bare hands while I still have minions!" he protested. "I delegate! Minimoose! Destroy this fool!"

Seconds passed and there was no response. Both Zim and the Doctor glanced around. "Were you... expecting somebody?" the Doctor asked, preparing himself for some new horror. Zim placed his hands on his hips, still looking from side to side.

"Well, I was." Zim said. "Computer, where is Minimoose?!"

" _I don't know. The last I saw him, he was with you-"_

"How can you not know, you live here! _You_ _ **are**_ _here!"_ Zim emphasised. "Fine, fine, whatever! Roboparents! Seize hiiiiiiiim!"

A mechanical whirr alerted the Doctor to two panels at either side of the front door, each snapping open with crisp, mechanical efficiency.

"Oh, what now?" the Doctor muttered under his breath, turning the screwdriver in their direction. His question was soon answered, the mechanical forms of the Roboparents sprang forth. The parental facsimiles raced towards the Doctor... and missed their confused target entirely, instead moving towards the kitchen without rest.

Robomom careened into the kitchen table, caught up in the chairs and fell over. Robodad made a beeline for the fridge instead, pulling it open and reaching inside.

"Why hello there!" Robodad said merrily, lifting out a jar of pickles. He held it up to the mechanical square of one ear, thoughtfully. He wiggled it and nodded, as if it was speaking to him. "No, Zim isn't busy, I'll call him!" he added.

The Doctor glanced at Zim, who seemed just as perplexed as he was. "I take it that these are the-" he began.

"Yes, they are and they will destroy you most horribly." Zim nodded. He strode towards the robots. "Hey, you two, your target is over there!"

Robodad stared down at his "son". "Son! Your friends are here to see you!" he smiled. He then unscrewed the top of the jar and dumped the contents over the Irken, soaking him from head to toe. Zim leapt backwards, his highly-sensitive skin smoking and hissing, screaming in agony.

Looking to help, the Doctor immediately stepped forwards, but the movement attracted Robomom, who snapped upright and rolled into his path. One gloved hand clamped down painfully on the Doctor's wrist and squeezed, knocking the screwdriver from his grasp. Stronger than she looked, she then yanked the Time Lord up into the air, his feet dangling above the floor.

"Why I just _love_ your hair!" she yelled, one eye-bulb shorting out and catching fire. The Doctor flinched as sparks from the flaming orb flew by his face. Looking down, he could see that the sonic screwdriver was lying on the floor, out of reach, so he tried diplomacy instead.

"Um. Thanks." he tried. Robomom reached out for his head, the gloved hand squeezing the air menacingly.

" _I COULD JUST WEAR IT RIGHT NOW!_ " she shrieked, clawing at him. The Doctor dodged the swipe, yanking his wrist free. Falling backwards, he struggled to regain his balance, a matter that wasn't helped by stumbling over the prone form of GIR, who had curled up on the floor and went to sleep. Considering that Zim was screaming at the top of his lungs, the Doctor was surprised that the little SIR was such a heavy sleeper.

Falling down with a crash, he joined Zim and the robot on the floor. Robodad wheeled into place beside his "wife", raising a trowel like a dagger. "You should watch where you're going! You almost landed on my petunias!" he screeched.

Stabbing downwards, he just missed the Doctor, who rolled aside just in time. He came to a stop next to Zim, who was beginning to recover from his pickle-induced fit. Maybe he could get Zim to call them off?

"Zim, stop them!" the Doctor cried. He was only just able to scramble to his feet as the Roboparents gave chase. Zim, brushing the last of the pickle juice from his uniform, watched them with narrowed eyes.

"Finally." he muttered, before addressing the Time Lord. "Oh, I don't think so, _Doc-tor_! You're not going to be allowed to _interfere_ in my work here! I've only just _begun_ the fiendish torture stuff I'm going to do to your needlessly stylish hair!"

" _One of them just assaulted you!"_ protested the Doctor. "They're just as dangerous to you as they are to me!"

As if to prove a point, the trowel bounced off of Zim's forehead, the handle mercifully making the impact rather than the bladed metal shovel.

"Urgh. That's _perfectly_ normal." Zim groaned, rubbing his head. Begging to differ, Robomom fly-tackled him, wrestling him to the ground. "Release me! Release the mighty form of **ZIM!"** demanded Zim.

The robotic mother wasn't listening. "I don't know how many times I have to tell you, but you are not taking care of your teeth! BRUSH THEM!" she shrieked. The yellow glove of the Roboparent's hand arced downwards, towards his head. Zim screamed and shifted to one side just in time, the arm sinking into the floor next to him.

The Doctor made a dive for the sonic screwdriver. "Hold on, I'm coming!" he yelled. Robodad jumped for it as well, not out of knowledge over what it was, but over some mad thought that had popped into his central processor. The pair grabbed for the device, each unsuccessful attempt knocking it further out of the other's grasp.

Once again, things were getting out of control, this time in a more life-threatening manner. "Computer!" bellowed the Doctor. "Zim is in danger! Call off the Roboparents!"

" _I can't control them! I can only turn them on."_ the Computer told him. " _And I can't_ _ **shoot**_ _the stupid things because_ _ **somebody**_ _deactivated all of the weapons systems on this level."_

"GIR! GIR, GET OVER HERE AND HELP MEEEE!" Zim demanded. The snoozing robot did no such thing, continuing to dream and kick his legs. "Defensive mode!" tried Zim once more. GIR's sleeping form beeped, but that was all.

Still struggling to take the screwdriver to one of the Roboparents, the Doctor hit upon a new idea. Pushing forwards again, he got his fingers under the screwdriver and sent it flicking through the air, towards GIR.

"GIR! See if you can turn the sonic screwdriver on!" the Doctor called. "I bet that you can't!"

Without warning, GIR sat bolt upright. "Oh yeah? Gimme a muffin!" he demanded.

"I can hardly give you a muffin if I'm dead. Neither can Zim." the Doctor pointed out evenly, just as Robodad decided that he'd rather separate the Doctor's head from his torso rather than wrestle. He rose from the floor and lifted the Doctor into the air with a strangled cry.

"No dessert before bedtime!" he shrieked, throttling the Time Lord.

"But I want a muffin!" GIR whined, turning to Zim. "Master, I _really_ want a muffin!"

Zim was trying to prevent Robomom from taking her hand from the floor, dodging the lashing, free hand. " _THEREWILLBENOMUFFINSUNLESSYOUASSISTME!_ " he snapped. GIR sighed enormously and scooped up the sonic screwdriver.

"Lemme see..." the SIR pondered, examining the device. GIR hefted the metal wand upright, the blue tip pointed at Robodad. Then, GIR dropped it completely and leapt at the other mechanoid, propelled by his robotic might.

"RELEASE THE MUFFINS!" he demanded, his eyes glowing red. Sailing through the air, the SIR in duty mode collided with the Doctor and Robodad. With one movement, the SIR proved his superiority to the other insane robots, sweeping off the Roboparent's arms with one movement. The Doctor crumpled to the floor, coughing and spluttering.

Zim, seeing his opportunity, got GIR's attention. "Yes! Now, free me!" he told him. "There will be plenty of baked dough-goods for all!"

Screaming at the top of his "lungs", GIR closed the gap between him and the remaining Roboparent. As Zim was still holding one of Robomom's mechanical arms against the floor, GIR had no trouble in kicking the head of the robot clean across the room. Her body fell down limply, halting her attack. She swiped around the sparking stump of her neck as Zim pushed the decapitated robot from him.

"Oh my!" Robomom's head exclaimed from the far end of the room. "Dear, I think it's time we go home!"

Robodad didn't hear her, glumly looking down at the severed arms on the floor beside him. "They couldn't just have one! They had to take them _both_ , didn't they?!" he sobbed. Robomom's headless body patted her husband on the back, comfortingly.

Despite the soft sound of electronic sobbing, the sitting room fell quiet once more as both the Doctor and the Invader lay on their backs, recovering from the attack. Neither one took any shame in catching their breath, GIR toddling over to the prone Time Lord to drop his sonic screwdriver on his chest. The SIR looked expectantly down at him, awaiting his reward.

Zim's base was the one to break the much-needed silence. " _Well, crisis over."_ it commented. " _What now?"_

"Give GIR his muffins," the Doctor called hoarsely from the floor, rubbing his throat, "He's earned them."

GIR silently pumped his fist up and down in celebration, then promptly keeled over and went back to sleep, snoring loudly. Careful to avoid him as he rose, the Doctor rolled to his feet, scooping up the discarded sonic screwdriver and made his way over to Zim.

"Why did you do that?" he scolded, offering Zim a helping hand. The Invader was too tired to complain and was hauled to his feet again.

"To be perfectly honest, I don't really know, they never work." Zim sighed. "Oh well, if you want a job done right-"

The Doctor's mood changed and he let go. Zim flailed and tried to catch himself, finally finding purchase on the Doctor's overcoat. "If you want a job done that involves murder, you've got another thing coming!" the Doctor told him sternly, pushing the Irken away. "That was stupid, reckless, insane... we could have been killed!"

Zim scowled, drawing himself up to his unimpressive height, especially compared to his lanky oppponent. "Then that's fifty percent of a successful plan, Doctor." he hissed.

"... you'd be the other fifty percent and that fifty involves you being dead too." the Doctor pointed out.

"Details." Zim coughed, gesturing behind him at the blue form of the TARDIS. "Anyway, I'll accept your surrender now. Hand over your machine and no further harm will come to your freaky alien self."

The Doctor threw Zim a look of distaste, glaring at him with imposingly dark brown eyes. Zim paused for a moment; the expression was the same face he'd made at the Tallest and it was anything but friendly. The Invader carefully folded his arms behind his back, his own face passive. He wanted to see what this "Doctor"'s next action would be when he proved he wasn't intimidated.

The taller alien didn't seem to notice the defiance, or if he did, he wasn't impressed by it. His voice firm, the Doctor folded his arms and clucked his tongue. "I'm going to give you two hours while I tie up some loose ends here. That should be enough time to get your things together and be ready to leave." the Doctor told him. "Don't do anything stupid while I'm gone, Zim. You've tested my patience enough."

Not awaiting or expecting a protest at the warning, the Doctor turned on his heel, swept towards the door and slipped out, overcoat flapping behind him. The little Irken Invader stared impassively at the door. When no sign came that the defensive gnomes in the garden had taken care of the Time Lord, Zim silently shook his head and marched towards the door himself.

Pressing one hand against the door, the entire structure went translucent on his side, allowing him to see the Doctor saunter away from the gnomes, unharmed. Each one of them had their peaked caps pushed down over their optics and were preoccupied with attacking one another. Zim had to admit, for as human as the Doctor looked, he moved impressively quickly when he wanted to.

He watched for a little longer, until the Doctor had vanished from sight, waltzing down the street before he allowed himself to snicker evilly at his brand new foe. "What a fool," Zim said to himself, "He didn't even notice me take the key to his time-ship."

Zim held out his prize and was instantly disappointed. When he'd grabbed onto the Doctor's coat, he'd slipped one hand into the breast pocket of the Doctor's suit jacket, intending to take the TARDIS key. Instead, the object that had been shuffled into his glove was in fact the sonic screwdriver, the ceramic and metal detailing glowing green in the light of the sitting room.

Well, a victory he hadn't intended was still a victory, Zim decided. The newly acquired technology had to be of _some_ use to him, surely?

"Computer!" Zim barked, striding towards one of the many hidden elevators the "home" contained. "Take me to the lab! I wish to analyse this... _thingy._ "

"What about my muffins?" GIR reminded him, now awake. Zim halted, glanced at the odds and ends that the Roboparents had strewn across the room. Being ever-benevolent towards his underlings, he deigned to give his robot slave what he wanted.

"Very well. Computer! Reward GIR!" Zim commanded.

" _I don't have any muffins."_ the Computer protested. Zim's shoulders slumped in irritation.

"Okay, first we'll go to the store to pick up some muffins and _then_ I'll analyse this thing!" Zim announced, raising the innocuous sonic screwdriver to the sky. "And then I'll doom the Doctor!"

"Yaaay!" GIR cheered. "We're doin' somethin'!"

* * *

After trying to remember where he'd heard of the Doctor before, Dib's search inevitably lead him to the cryptid databases of the Swollen Eyeball Network. The Network was meant to be a cadre of like-minded individuals, discovering the creepy and weird and proving that such things were real with cold, hard facts. Before Zim had even been a thing, Dib had been thrilled to find them and set out to prove that he could be the best paranormal investigator the world had ever seen.

Unfortunately, the Swollen Eyeball database had other ideas as it denied him access to his account.

" _Error #903: Report Overload,_ _ **Agent Mothman**_ _Edition_ _._ " it read. " _ **Agent Mothman**_ _,_ _this account has been temporarily suspended. Any cryptid sightings, be they extraterrestrial or mundane, are probably just your imagination,_ _ **Agent Mothman**_ _and we cannot stress that fact enough._ _Please do_ _ **not**_ _contact your system administrator, or we will revoke your membership._ _ **We mean it this time. Wait it out.**_ "

Dib refreshed the page, clicking the link again and growled when it displayed the same result. "Oh come _on_!" he cried. " _Another_ alien appears on Earth and I can't report it? I haven't made any _false_ claims! This is serious, I've _heard_ of this one before! I need access!"

His begging fell on deaf ears. Dib was rather enthusiastic when it came to cryptid reports. Bigfoot, a spooky and massive shape in front of the moon and, of course, countless reports on Zim and his terrible mission to destroy the Earth. Each one had gone to the Eyeballs, but each one had came up blank. No leads were chased, nor did the Network ever investigate his claims when it came to the Irken Invader, so Dib had a reputation for being a lunatic, even in the organisation of like-minded brothers in arms.

Still, he paid his membership fees and _occasionally_ came up with something interesting enough to let him earn his title of "Agent Mothman". He'd had the report error before and it would perhaps be another few days before his account unlocked. Dib would have to make do without reporting the Doctor.

But that didn't mean he couldn't _research_ the new, probably insane and almost _certainly_ evil alien known simply as "the Doctor".

Logging out, Dib went into the Swollen Eyeball's online database of cryptids. It was strictly reference material for public browsing, with all of the juicy stuff hidden behind the login codes. Being the genius son of a genius, he had more than enough technology, skill and sheer dumb luck to get himself past that firewall.

Dib brought up his home-brewed decryption kit and was instantly transported to the glossary page. He hit "search" and began typing in the information that he knew into the blank fields.

"The Doctor," Dib muttered aloud, "Blue Police Box. The TARDIS. Bigger on the inside. Time traveller. Alien."

Another firewall popped into existence. He ran the decryption software again, but to his surprise, he was met with another one. This one resisted another attempt, but crumbled when Dib amped up the settings. He kept going until he was finally allowed access to a folder marked " **TOP PRIORTY ALERT, UNIT CODE RED: THE DOCTOR**."

"UNIT? Those military guys?" Dib wondered. "I thought they were retired years ago. How did the Swollen Eyeball Network got a hold of this?"

He downloaded the file, cleaned his tracks and took a look at his prize. The folder was enormous compared to the other cryptid files he'd acquired. There would be no way that he'd finish it in one go. Maybe he could find a summary or something?

Opening the folder, he scrolled through the document list until he found one marked " **TOP SECRET: OVERVIEW.** "

Dib prodded it with his mouse and a document, filled with broken links and JPEGs, opened. Somebody had edited it once or twice with the default font, the additional entries standing out against the military-style UNIT typeface.

He began with one such edit. "The Doctor," read Dib, "Is a Priority One cryptid that appears throughout both history and mythology across the globe."

Well, that wasn't too shocking. He knew that a bona-fide alien like Zim would have a high priority alert... but one like _that_ was usually for something shocking. Even the _Loch Ness Monster_ was only a Priority Two. Priority Ones usually had body counts, something he'd done his best to avoid.

Frowning a little, Dib kept going, this time onto the UNIT entries. "The Doctor (AKA Doctor John Smith) is a Time Lord, a personable extraterrestrial creature who possesses the ability to cheat death and change his face. Although widely believed to be of good character, the Doctor is notorious for causing massive death and destruction, with at least one death associated with each encounter to date."

Dib gulped. That was... unexpected. On one hand, the Doctor was, according to the military organisation, a _good_ alien... time traveller... person. But on the other, the associated death toll was reportedly... _catastrophic_ and it made him doubt the Doctor's credentials _._ Even Zim, at least to the boy's knowledge, just experimented on people, saving himself for his planned destruction of humankind.

In the interest of his continued safety, Dib went on. "The Doctor is known for trying to reason with his enemies, but more often than not, will be forced to... _add_ to the considerable tally. The Swollen Eyeball Network strongly recommends both avoiding and reporting this individual."

Well, that was just great, really. He couldn't report the Doctor because of the Eyeball's own short sightedness, and now this dangerous force was on Earth. What's more, it knew where he lived.

Sighing at his lot in life, Dib scanned the rest of the summary for some sort of weakness. After all, the Doctor might have been flippant and _appear_ to be benign, but he had stopped Zim in a no-nonsense way, duping him easily. Maybe he, like the last alien to do so, was eliminating Zim as the competition.

"Due to his changing features, the Doctor can be identified by his erratic dress sense, his well-above normal intelligence and his proximity to a faux 1960's British Police Box known as "the TARDIS", which is larger inside than out. This appears to be his method of transportation, as it will often appear where the Doctor wills it to." the boy went on.

That explained the Police Box, he supposed. It was an odd thing to disguise a time machine as, but maybe there was some reason for it. After all, it wasn't like Dib was a stranger to the absurdity of hiding in plain sight or taking refuge in the audacity of such a disguise. Past experience with Zim had long since taught him not to question these things.

"Also of note, the Doctor will often be accompanied by a companion. They are normally an attractive young woman between 20 to 30 years old, though males of a similar age have also been seen accompanying the Doctor." Dib noted. "With some exceptions, all are inexplicably British citizens."

He thought about this for a moment. A travelling companion? He hadn't seen anybody else aboard the TARDIS. Perhaps this alien was _impersonating_ the real Doctor, in which case, he and the Earth could be in more trouble than he thought.

"I'll give it some thought." Dib said to himself. No sense in being _too suspicious._.. just suspicious enough. He scanned the rest of the summary, but found only a list of broken links, all Priority One alerts; " **UNIT CODE RED: THE MASTER** ", " **UNIT CODE RED: THE DALEKS** ", **"UNIT CODE RED: THE CYBERMEN** ".

Dib wondered who they might've been. Considering that the links to their data was playing second fiddle to a being that wore plimsolls and a brown suit, albeit a dangerous one, they were probably pushovers.

Still, the Doctor didn't seem to be a joke and Dib knew all about how dangerous a seemingly harmless threat was. Without Dib, Zim would have conquered the planet... without Dib, more than a couple of terrible fates would have befallen the Earth, but that was besides the point.

After being spooked by the summary, the junior paranormal investigator decided to read the file. Not the whole thing, obviously, but enough to get a better idea of what the Doctor was up to. Zim was bad enough. What if they teamed up? Dib couldn't, shouldn't and wouldn't take that chance, not in a million years.

He leant forwards and eagerly began to read, getting lost in the text. For the next twenty minutes, Dib read as much as he could about the Doctor and whatever UNIT and the Swollen Eyeballs could turn up. He even found out where he'd heard of the "Time Lord", the alien having once crashed a Swollen Eyeball Network meeting, years before he'd joined, when there were far fewer members.

According to the entry, a mysterious stranger identifying himself by one of the Doctor's aliases had appeared at the Network's headquarters and declared that the building was alive and trying to eat them. After this had been proved to be a fact, the building was evacuated and after a few hours, it (and a lot of the block it stood on) wasn't there anymore. As a result, the Network went to ground, hiding online and very rarely meeting in conference halls from then on, but of the Doctor, there had been no sign.

" _Until today, that is."_ thought Dib.

That was just the tip of the iceberg. Swollen Eyeball files were bad enough, but it was the UNIT files that were _really_ scary. Clipped, military text brusquely described several events in which some unstoppable beast or invading force had tried to take over the Earth. Then they met the Doctor and that was that. More often than not, human casualties were always listed. It seemed that everywhere that the Doctor turned up, people died.

He had scarcely began reading yet another horrifying entry when the doorbell rang. The boy felt himself jump, heart thumping in his chest. Dib shook his head, muttering a curse in relief. He put his reaction down to a stressful day and _not_ the very clinical entries of how another horrific and unstoppable abomination was ground into the dirt by the Time Lord.

The doorbell rang again and Dib sighed, trying to ignore it. He'd just started his research. There was no way he was getting pulled away just to talk to some Girly Rangers or something. His father and Gaz were around. Let them handle it.

When the bell trilled for a third time, it carried on for a while longer and the incessant noise finally got on Dib's nerves. He leant away from his computer. "Gaaaaaz! Get the door! I'm busy doing research on that weird alien guy!" he called, hoping his sister could hear him. Her door being closed, locked and soundproofed had never stopped her before.

Like clockwork, Dib heard Gaz growl in annoyance. "Get it yourself!" she snapped.

"Come on! Gaz, this could be a matter of life and death!" he moaned as the bell rang for the fourth time.

"It's gonna be a matter of _your_ life and _your_ death if you don't quit bugging me!" Gaz warned. Dib sighed, trying to keep his cool.

"Look-" he began, but Gaz sharply cut him off.

"Don't make me tell you _twice_ , Dib! You won't _live_ to hear it a _third_ time…" she threatened.

Dib looked from the monitor, to his open door and decided that as much as he was needed here, his sister's threats of bodily harm were motivation enough. With a tired sigh, Dib stood up and marched downstairs, opening the front door.

"Yes?" he answered, before he looked up at the caller. With a frightened squeal he jumped back as the guest looked at him with a familiar confused-amused expression.

"Hello, Dib, it's me again!" the Doctor grinned, punctuating his greeting with a little wave.


	4. Chapter 4

Dib's slack-jawed expression went ignored as the Doctor hovered at the front door, craning his head inside to rudely scope out the sitting room. The Doctor was admittedly too excited about meeting Professor Membrane and family to let the less-than-fantastic greeting get the better of him. Not that Dib's reaction wasn't understandable; though they didn't seem like the friendliest individuals when he met them, Dib and Gaz _had_ just been rescued from a hostile alien conqueror.

Still! He wouldn't put it past either child being a little friendlier once they'd had a chance to cool down, particularly Dib, given his enthusiasm towards anything paranormal. Being a bit of a geek himself, it went without saying that even though the Doctor had to keep quiet about their future, he would have plenty to discuss with him.

That in mind, he addressed Dib. "I don't _normally_ make house calls, but I wanted a quick word with you two before I left," announced the Doctor, "And your dad too, come to think of it. Is he in?"

Dib could only look at him with wide eyes and nod slowly. The Doctor's mind finally caught up with him and saw that the junior paranormal detective was still staring at him. "Oh, are you alright? You don't look well." he told the boy. "I reckon you've got a bit of a time-traveller's headache. My fault there, my TARDIS has been acting up today and I think that she's-"

"No!" Dib interrupted, taking a wary half-step back.

"Beg pardon?" blinked the Doctor.

"No, you're _not_ going to talk to my dad, or me, or my sister, or anybody else!" Dib told him, emphasising his words with a swipe of his hand. "You're an alien and you're dangerous! What're you gonna do to us anyway?! Hook us up to a big computer to power an even _bigger_ computer?! Eat our hair?!"

The ceiling above them shook as an unholy force took issue with Dib's loud questioning. " _Dib! Shut up!"_ Gaz demanded, punctuating each syllable with a stomp. Ignoring her, the Doctor's eyebrow arched, curious at the hostile reception.

"Why would I eat the hair of Professor Membrane? He's barely got _any_ as it is!" the Doctor pointed out, confused. "Besides, there's no nutritional value to hair... _well,_ asides from the hair of the dreaded Hogulus of Hobo Thirteen: that tastes like candyfloss and it's good for your fibre intake. I doubt _he's_ one, mind you."

The Time Lord paused. " _Could_ be wrong about that, though. Dib, _is_ your dad a Hogulus? Have you ever tasted your hair and thought it was a bit sweet?" he questioned, nodding at the scythe of hair atop Dib's head. Dib narrowed his eyes at the alien and the Doctor deflated, smiling sheepishly. "No, didn't think so. Sorry. Trying to break the ice."

Dib didn't look happy that he being taken seriously. "Well, it isn't working!" the boy snapped. Again, Gaz stomped on the floor above them, causing the pair to look up at the ceiling.

" _Be_ _ **quiet**_ _down there, or so help me I'll-_ " she snarled. The Doctor looked upwards, shaking his head slightly.

"Noisy, isn't she? Evening, Gaz! Nice to see that you're unaffected by your extraterrestrial abduction!" the Doctor called up cheerfully. In response, a worryingly deep growl rolled through the air and footsteps began to thump above them. Dib went from defensive and aggressive to afraid in mere seconds, turning to the Doctor with wide eyes.

"I think you should leave," he suggested, "Like, _right now_."

The Doctor shrugged nonchalantly. "Nah, I'll be alright. Anyway, you said your dad was at home? Do you want me to talk to him first or... ?" he wondered.

His warning unheeded and his objections ignored, Dib jolted and returned to normal. "What?! Nyeh... no! I just _said_ no! Go away already!" he demanded. "I already know what you're not the _real_ Doctor and-"

"What do you mean, "not the real Doctor"?" asked the Doctor. He made a face and groaned loudly. "Dib, are you one of _those_ people who look me up, decide on a regeneration and think it's better than the others?"

This time, it was Dib's turn to look blankly at the Time Lord, glancing up at the ceiling as the footsteps thudded towards the staircase. "Look, whatever! Whether you're him or not, if you're even _half_ as smart as the _real_ Doctor is meant to be, you'll get out of here before Gaz pulls your arms off!" he warned.

The Doctor frowned at the warning, his excitement gone. This was his fault, of course. He'd just assumed that Dib, the paranormal detective and conspiracy theorist, would've been ecstatic to meet a real-life legend, an alien that had a reputation for saving humankind.

What he'd forgotten in meeting the as-yet-untapped geniuses of Dib and Gaz, was that another alien had been trying to kill them not ten minutes before. Judging from the vitriol, both Zim and Dib had known each other for some time, which explained things a little too well; the fear, the paranoia of extraterrestrial invasion that Dib possessed had taken root as a result of their conflict.

Absurd as it was, the Doctor decided to make sure that Dib knew that he had nothing to fear from him, at least not directly. He seemed like a good kid, after all, he did seem concerned that the Doctor was going to be eviscerated by his little sister. Zim probably wasn't extended the same privilege.

"I wouldn't worry about me, Dib. I'm really more concerned about you and your family." he said kindly. "Zim's mind might be out to tea half the time, but he's no slouch. I can see why you're worried about him."

A bitter look crossed the boy's face. All of the energy had left him and his posture suddenly sagged. "You have no idea what Zim is like." Dib muttered, his tone dark and exhausted.

"Well, why don't you tell me then?" the Time Lord requested. Dib looked up, taken aback, surprised to see that the alien was smiling patiently at him.

"You... really want me to tell you about Zim?" he asked, unsure. The boy had already been ostracised by other people for his... unusual hobbies, even among his peers. Nobody gave him the time of day. And even though the Doctor was an alien, one with a sizeable and intimidating reputation, he _looked_ human. Too human, too friendly, too kind for his normal resolve to keep itself up.

To the normally suspicious young paranormal enthusiast's astonishment, somebody was actually _listening_ to him. A little bit of wonder had entered the boy's expression and the Doctor took that as the first step towards a friendly conversation. He cocked his head to one side, grinning lopsidedly at the kid.

"Yeah, I do." he told him. Dib shuffled aside and the Doctor took a step inside the Membrane household, still grinning down at him. "And, Dib? Good for you. It's hard to get over the ghost stories about me. It's harder still to outlast an Irken Invader. You've done both quite admirably."

Dib opened his mouth to reply, but at that moment, Gaz finished stomping down the stairs and the mood changed quickly. The Doctor noticed that she didn't look happy to find the noisy pair standing there: in fact, she looked downright murderous. Her brother audibly gulped, any trace of joy suddenly replaced by quiet terror. The Doctor's grin also faltered momentarily, before he turned it back to its full and dazzling display.

"Ah, Gaz, hello! I was just about to talk to your brother about Zim-" he began.

Gaz glowered at him, gesturing with her Game-Slave 2. "Can it." she ordered, shutting down the Doctor's welcome in an instant. "I told you to be quiet! You made me lose my concentration. It was only for a second, _but that was enough_."

"Oh, sorry. Video games; the bane of us all." the Doctor said innocently. "Well, I've been there before. We'll keep our voices down in future."

"A little too late for that." the girl grunted, tucking the console into one pocket, then folded her arms. "Give me _one_ good reason I should let you two escape with your lives."

The Doctor sucked air through his teeth, still not quite sure if she was joking. Dib's desperate and horrified "cease and desist" motions made him guess that she wasn't. "Nothing off of the top of my head, I'm afraid. Again, heartfelt apologies, Gaz." he offered, trying to ignore her glare.

It didn't seem to work. "You aren't taking this seriously, Doctor." Gaz said dismissively. The Doctor cocked his head from side to side in response.

"No, no, I did take it seriously." he promised. "I apologised, didn't I?"

"Facetiously." corrected Gaz.

The Doctor tutted, looking over his shoulder at her brother. "Is she always like this Dib? Hm?" he wondered, looking between two substantially shorter children. "I'll bet she is. Is she? I'd hope not. Terrible way to behave!"

"You've got to be _stupid_ -"

"No, I'm observant!" the Doctor mumbled sheepishly. He liked apologising, sometimes to his detriment, but this was getting ridiculous. "Anyway, I said sorry and I meant it. Promise."

Gaz didn't accept the attempt to make amends, unconvinced of the Doctor's sincerity. Her tone grew even darker and one eye opened wider than its usual Eastwood-style squint. "I have a hard time believing it. Consider yourself lucky that I haven't-"

The Doctor's half-hearted smile lost its playful warmth at the more direct threat. "No," he warned, sighing in resignation, "Don't threaten me. Just don't. You're better than that."

Gaz didn't seem to notice his sudden change in attitude, or wasn't cowed into stopping. Either way, she sneered. "Who do you _think_ you are?" she asked.

The Doctor's smile had now gone, the skinny Time Lord standing with his hands in his pockets of his long coat, feet planted firmly. He and Gaz now faced one another, one staring, the other glaring. Like terrifying statues, the world seemed to pause around the pair.

"Oh, I'd tell you who I am Gaz, but I doubt you'd listen." the Doctor said tersely, as her bad attitude had gotten on his nerves. "But I _am_ the person that saved your lives today. Thought that might count for something."

"So? Don't expect a thank you, I'm not indebted to you." the girl replied. The Doctor nodded in agreement.

"That's fair," he conceded, "But think about it for a second, Gaz. You know Zim, you know what he can do, but you weren't scared of him. Not even for a second. It almost cost you dearly."

Gaz scoffed. "He's an idiot."

"But you're not. You're _clever._ Clever enough to dismiss him, to send him packing just like _that_." he snapped his fingers, holding her gaze. "In fact, I'm willing to bet that you're _very_ clever. You might even be ahead of everyone _else_. It's so _frustrating_ and you can't see why nobody else gets the things you do. I can understand that."

The Doctor nodded. "But the thing about intelligence, as I've discovered in my nine-hundred-odd years of life, is that it means _nothing_ if you use it to treat others like dirt." he said. "What's more, when you use it to hold yourself above others like that, it's a _conscious_ choice to be horrible and that just isn't very smart at all."

Gaz didn't have a response to this, still glaring coldly at the man in front of her. Though he didn't take his eyes off of her, the Doctor noticed that Dib hadn't said anything at all to help or hinder either of them. He seemed scared, quiet and afraid as he watched the confrontation. Being afraid of the alien he'd just met, especially one with the Doctor's reputation, he could understand, but his _sister..._

The Doctor went on, taking a few steps forwards, drawing level with the sofa, still some way from the girl. "Because, Gaz, I've met people like who think and act like you do. And every time, one way or another, I've seen where it leads them." he told her, features softening a little. "Please. I'm begging you to _be_ clever. Stop. Right now. You aren't like Zim. You should _know_ when too far is too far."

The message, the Doctor hoped, was clear; he wasn't scared of her, he was _not_ going to be picked on and that was as far as they should carry it. He also had the feeling that Gaz hadn't been spoken to like that before as the room had gone deathly silent after he'd finished. Everyone was transfixed on the confrontation; the Doctor and Gaz on one another and a dumbstruck, horrified Dib on the two of them.

In the end, it came down to the pair keeping their unblinking gaze on the other for what felt like an eternity.

Much to Dib's surprise, Gaz's hostile look gradually faded away, replaced by one of brooding contemplation, glancing away for a moment in thought. Then, she blinked, still scowling and moved towards the couch as if nothing had happened.

Only then did the Doctor move, stepping backwards. The closest the pair got to a final word was Gaz meeting his eyes one last time before she took her seat opposite the television and began to channel surf, landing on a Bloaty's commercial. The Doctor turned back to Dib, his face grim and it was plain for all to see that he didn't enjoy the argument at all.

Dib shivered and glanced between the two of them. "How did you do that?" he asked, his voice low.

"Practice." came the simple, dark reply. The Doctor took a deep breath and some regret replaced the expression that slipped away. He gestured for Dib to show him into the kitchen. "C'mon. I wanted to talk to you anyway."

* * *

Dib's shrugged off the Doctor's guiding hand as soon as they'd entered the kitchen, closing the door behind him. When he rounded on the Doctor, his face was twisted by anger; the resemblance between both siblings suddenly clear. "Just what are you trying to pull?!" he hissed furiously. "Picking a fight with Zim is one thing, but my _sister?!"_

The Doctor looked exasperated as he held up his hands. "I wasn't going to fight her!" he protested. "I'm fairly sure I'd lose, but you can't expect her to get away with that sort of thing!"

Dib narrowed his eyes, unmoved by the Doctor's defence. "You _threatened_ her!" he insisted.

The Doctor shook his head. "I didn't _mean_ it like that, Dib." he told him firmly. "Gaz is trouble with a capital "t". I can get that, I mean, I know I was at her age, but she can't keep that up! Like I said, I've seen enough of this universe to-"

"And how did facing off against an _eleven-year-old_ add to that wealth of knowledge, Doctor?!" Dib interrupted, making the Doctor falter.

That remark stung. Though he'd never intended her any harm, Gaz had successfully gotten under his skin remarkably quickly, whether she was a kid or not. He was also a little shocked at just how far the girl had been willing to go before dismissing him. Being an alien or an adult did nothing to deter her.

Her confidence was admirable, but the Doctor would rather she channel her intelligence more constructively, like her brother had been trying to do. He folded his arms and leant on the table behind him.

Voice gentle, but firm, the Doctor shook his head again. "I didn't mean it like that, Dib, I promise you. But she's in danger... hell, you're _all_ in danger! I mean, how long have you been fighting Zim now?" he asked.

"Nearly three years." Dib muttered bitterly. The Doctor's eyebrows bobbed up automatically, sympathetic to his plight.

"I'm sorry." he replied. Dib's bitter snicker followed immediately afterwards.

"Three years of _lunacy_. Of ups, downs and psychopathic aliens. I was worried _before_ I ever saw Zim." he paused, turning to the alien. "Do you even realise the stuff I've seen?"

The Doctor stared towards the door. "Yes. I think I could." he replied quietly.

Dib studied him for a moment. He didn't seem to be joking, staring not at the door, nor anybody that happened to be behind it, but further. For a second, Dib felt something... _sad_ leave the alien, despite his neutral expression and it sent a shiver up his spine.

The Doctor didn't notice. "How many people help you?" he asked, voice still low.

"Just Gaz. Whenever she feels like it. Sometimes the Swollen Eyeballs listen to me, but not often. Even when they do, they never get anything done." Dib answered, shoulders slumping.

"You do it yourself." the Doctor nodded, crossing the room. He pulled out two seats, gesturing for Dib to take one, sitting on his own backwards, facing the boy as he slumped down into a chair. "You alright?" he asked.

"Yeah." Dib replied. His posture and tone made it obvious that he was lying, staring at the floor at his feet. The Doctor frowned. The Dib he'd heard of was known for his boundless enthusiasm; he'd seen the energy outside, the drive... but being the sole hope of humanity was obviously taking its toll on the child.

It was long past time that he got some words of encouragement.

"I've read up on you, Dib. I've seen your work, your investigations," he said, straightening up, "Granted, I don't think some of them are gonna work out, but you've got something no-one else in your field has: You've got drive and ambition. Keep that up and I'll bet you can do great things."

"I keep telling myself that," Dib sighed, "But the question is, do I believe myself? It's hardly "Real Science", is it?"

"Every science is a real science." the Doctor argued. "Don't let people put you down for what you enjoy, so long as nobody gets hurt."

"Yeah, well." muttered Dib, earning yet another frown from the Doctor. Despite the effort, the poor kid still seemed miserable, which made the Time Lord feel bad as well. Part of him, that _rebellious_ little bit of him that started it all, egged him on to tell Dib that things would be alright. That the children of Professor Membrane would make their mark.

But time travel was a double-edged sword. Though their future should happen, _would_ happen... one wrong move in one wrong point could change things dramatically. Earth wasn't going to pull itself out of the gutter alone. It needed them.

Dib seemed to realise that he was dragging the Doctor's mood down and cleared his throat. "You remember before, aboard your... box? I didn't remember at first, but I've... read about you too." the boy suddenly announced. "You have to dig through the archives, all of the fake stuff, but you were right. There you are. One of the _real_ things, one of the _big_ ones."

The Doctor's mouth curled into a half-smirk. " _Well_ , I'm no Loch Ness Monster." he conceded. Dib began to smile, but he quickly got back on track.

"You're meant to have a friend with you." he said, his tone accusatory. Once again, the Doctor's face fell, directing his wistful gaze at the window.

"I did." he replied. "Her name was Martha. She was brilliant."

"And... what happened to her?" Dib asked.

"Oh, Martha? She's fine, she's at home with her family, but... she's gone. Just me now." the Doctor said.

Dib met his gaze, once again surprised that he was taking him seriously; studying him for any signs of dishonesty, any signs of the scornful mockery that other people directed at him, came up blank. "Well," he began, "When you turned up, I was going to turn you in to the Swollen Eyeballs."

"Naturally." the Doctor nodded.

"But... if I had known what you were at the time... you know, beyond an alien-"

"That can time travel." added the Doctor.

"-that can time travel." Dib agreed. "Well, if I had known... I would have _freaked_. You're the mother-lode, the ghost story that hardened agents tell rookies on their first day."

He paused, remembering what the Swollen Eyeballs _had_ said about the Doctor. How dangerous he was, what he had done, what he was _capable_ of doing. Dib nervously licked his lips. "So, the question is... why? Why do you have that reputation? If you're such a good guy, why are we so afraid of you?"

The Doctor straightened up a little, steeling himself for the answer.

"Because when you come to Earth, people die." Dib told him. "Why?"

"I don't know. I don't want it to." the alien replied. The Doctor sagged slightly, then stood up, abandoning his chair in favour of ambling around the kitchen with a weary sigh. "Dib, be honest. Are you afraid of me?"

Dib hesitated. "Yes."

"Are you afraid of what I might do to you, your family, the innocent people around you?"

"Yes." Dib repeated.

"And what about Zim? Are you scared that I might hurt him too?" the Doctor wondered.

This time, Dib had no answer. His hatred for the Irken ran deep, bolstered by the years of ridicule that came before his arrival, strengthened by all that Zim had put him through since then. The Doctor asking if he wanted the Irken hurt made him question his morals, considering he always thought himself a decent person.

The boy looked away, troubled by this. "When you take Zim away from here, I don't know what I'm going to do." Dib admitted. "Because when you do, things will go back to the way it was before."

He glanced up at the Doctor. "I know it sounds horrible, but him _being_ here gives me a chance to prove that... that it's all worth it. And I'm not saying that you shouldn't, but... if you take him, it won't have been me that saved the Earth. It would be you."

Disagreeing, the Doctor shook his head. "But you _did_ save the Earth, Dib. You kept Zim occupied for three years. An Irken Invader, for three years, that's incredible!" he pointed out. "You keep underselling yourself, Dib, but when I was your age, I would _never_ have thought about doing something like that."

Dib shrugged, refusing to meet the Doctor's gaze now. The skinny alien in a suit sighed. Nothing about today had gone right, in hindsight, but he was eager to put that right and make amends. He gestured towards the junior paranormal detective with one hand.

"The reason I... snapped at your sister is because of what I've seen people with that same attitude _do._ " he explained apologetically. "I'm a Time Lord, I've lived for so long now that I can tell you where those people end up as well."

"Too many people like her have burned and died because they made those mistakes, but she's smarter than that. You're smarter than that, I think that both of you are above that sort of thing, but believe me, I don't want either of you crossing that line." the Doctor finished. Dib finally turned towards him, sceptical.

"So what? You're gonna bite her head off every time she snarks at you?" he asked, the slightest sneer in his voice. The Doctor shook his head again, still looking glum.

"No. She'll grow up. We all have to, one day. I just hope it's not too late for her to realise that too." the Time Lord replied. He stood to his full height and dragged his hands across his face, letting them swing by his sides when he was done with an enormous sigh. "Still, you were right. I shouldn't have acted like that and I'm sorry."

It took a moment, but Dib's distrusting stare left him. "Thank you." said Dib. The Doctor smiled back at him and jerked his head towards the door.

"Well, I've apologised to you, better do the same to her. I don't think I scared her, I doubt much would actually, but I don't want to leave either of you with a bad impression of me." he said.

"Erm... good luck?" offered Dib as his alien visitor made for the kitchen door with big strides. The Doctor nudged the door open, took a breath and poked his head inside the sitting room once more, leaning on the doorframe.

"Gaz?" the Doctor began. Dib was expecting anything from Gaz ignoring him to beginning their argument anew. When he received no reply, the Time Lord cocked his head and from where he was standing, Dib saw the Doctor's face crease in concern.

"Gaz...?" he repeated.

* * *

Dib's blood ran cold as the Doctor abruptly strode into the sitting room, his face grim as he rounded the sofa. "W-what is it, what's wrong with her?! Gaz!" His pace was more frantic, pushing the Doctor to one side as he approached.

On the couch, Gaz still held the TV remote as she sat bolt upright in her seat her eyes wide open, staring blankly ahead. After a lifetime of glaring or glowering, eyes always narrowed, Gaz's golden-brown irises stood out against the white of her eyes. She seemed completely immobilised, as even her breathing looked restrained, coming in mechanical bursts.

"Well," began the Doctor, kneeling to inspect her with a hand under his chin, "She's still breathing, she's alive, that's good. But I'm guessing this isn't something she does often, no?"

Dib seemed to calm slightly now that he knew she was breathing, but he shook his head, looking pale as he kept his gaze fixed on Gaz. His sister might frighten and threaten him, but she was still his little sister. He was worried, that much the Doctor didn't have to guess.

"Didn't think so. Did Zim ever employ any sort of hypnosis on you two or anything?" the Doctor asked.

"Hypnosis?" Dib asked, thinking back. "It's been _tried_ , but it doesn't seem to work on too well on us; once he had a giant pimple and the other time..." he trailed off and due to the Doctor's questioning expression, he decided not to continue. "Nevermind." he grumbled.

"No, no, I'm listening!" the Time Lord insisted. Dib waved it off, looking into his sister's transfixed eyes.

"The point is, whenever someone tried, Gaz was immune." Dib told him. The Doctor shuffled a little closer, peering into Gaz's eyes themselves.

"Well, not this time. She's completely gone. Nothing." he said, snapping his fingers in front of her. When she didn't even flinch, he fished around for the sonic screwdriver, patting himself down. Finding nothing, he decided to see if Gaz could hear them instead.

"Gaz? Hello? It's me, the Doctor. I'm sorry about what I said, Gaz. I'm an old man, I say stupid things. Can you hear us? If you can, why don't you come back to us, eh? Your brother's worried about you. And so am I, as it happens." he said, voice low and soothing.

It was fruitless attempt. Gaz didn't reply and at most, her pupils contracted a little, likely out of instinct. "What's wrong with her?" Dib asked, beginning to let the worry get to him. The Doctor extracted a tiny torch from the inside of his huge overcoat, peering into Gaz's eyes.

"I've seen this sort of thing before. Basically, it's a systems crash: something is conflicting with her normal thought processes and has put her into a deep trance. Post-hypnotic alienation or disrupted programming, like she was awaiting orders, or the hypnosis was only partway done and got interrupted." he explained. "But why _now,_ what's caused all this? "Kill the Doctor" adrenaline?"

Dib wasn't concerned with the how. "Can you help her?" the boy asked desperately.

The Doctor ran a hand through his hair, thinking. "Should be able to, the only problem is _how?"_ he replied. "If I try looking into her mind, she might not be too responsive _or_ cooperative, considering how we parted terms. I'd rather not get on her nerves unless I _really_ have to."

With a sigh, the Doctor turned to the boy and before he could protest, took off his glasses to shine the little torch into Dib's eyes as well. "C'mon, have a think, what could have brought this on? Have either of you been handling anything unusual, has she been acting oddly recently, anything at all?"

Dib batted away the light and snatched back his glasses. "I deal with Zim nearly every day and you ask me that?" he snorted. Upon realising that the Doctor was expecting a reply either way, he shook his head. "No. Nothing we haven't seen before and Gaz has been..."

"Her usual, amiable self?" guessed the Doctor. Dib shot him a flat look.

"Not helping." he tutted. "The only thing that even comes close to being toxic is that horrible restaurant we went to earlier today, y'know, before Zim gassed us."

Any clues that Dib could provide would be invaluable, thought the Doctor. "Which one?" he asked aloud.

"Bloaty's Pizza Hog." Dib answered. "We were out with Dad and it was Gaz's choice to choose again. I traded her mine to see Mysterious Mysteries one evening."

The Doctor grimaced. "Bleh. You two _like_ that place? I mean, the fake cheese, the grease and the horrible mascot and hygiene? Doesn't put either of you off at all?"

"It's pizza. You think it's related?" Dib shrugged. Deciding to leave the appetite of this era unquestioned, the Doctor continued on.

"Maybe… but not even the toxic waste that Bloaty's call "cheese" would do this to someone." he murmured, more to himself than Dib. "And I don't think it's Zim's knock-out gas, 'cos her breathing seems regular, but restrained… has he ever been there?"

Dib frowned. "Once. He was... terrified of it."

"So, not him?" murmured the Doctor. "Fascinating, why would an Irken Invader be afraid of a place like... hm, well, answered my own question. Back to the matter at hand, Gaz, what can you remember about Bloaty's?"

Gaz didn't reply, but she twitched at the mention of the pizza parlour. The Doctor drummed his fingers on the lapels of his jacket, staring at the television remote in Gaz's limp hand. "I wonder..." he began, turning to her brother. "Dib, do you have anything that might have a recording of a Bloaty's ad on it?"

"Probably, why?" Dib answered, still hovering nervously over his sister, one hand on her shoulder.

"Because, if I'm right..." the Doctor said, suddenly began whistling a few of the discordant Bloaty's theme. Gaz trembled suddenly, more than before and Dib recoiled. With a grin, the Doctor jumped upright and pointed at the remote and the fingers suddenly clutching around the remote. He whistled again and was rewarded with the same response.

"What, what is it, what did you do?" Dib asked. "Is it the music?"

"It's the music! Something coded to the rhythm, the keys... or hiding within the discordant notes! Maybe even the imagery too!" the Doctor realised. Dib, suddenly realising the importance of finding an old commercial immediately turned to a collection of DVDs; recorded episodes of Mysterious Mysteries and Probing the Membrane of Science, old movies and video footage of Dib's close encounters with a certain Irken.

"Okay, okay, let's see." Dib mumbled. "Any one in particular?"

"As recent as you can." the Doctor told him, prising the remote from Gaz's hands. "And, by the way, Dib? I'm going to plug my ears. Could you _not_?"

Dib stopped searching as he realised what the Doctor was implying. "What?!" Dib exclaimed. "If you think it's dangerous, why do you want me to-?"

"Whatever it is, you're already infected. Probably, I mean, you've been to Bloaty's as well." the Doctor told him, handing him the remote control. "I can't hear the ad, I can't _watch_ the ad, but I can watch the pair of _you._ We break the trance on Gaz, observe you going into one and then the pair of you return to your normal, subconsciously conditioned state."

"Leaving us under the thrall of some..." Dib paused. "Alien?" he asked. The Doctor nodded.

"Most likely." he shrugged.

"Alien brainwashing?!" Dib finished. He held a DVD in his hand, the remote in the other. The Doctor motioned for him to place it in the TV, but Dib stood still. "Is this you, are you doing this?!"

The Doctor frowned. "No." he replied. "Look, I know you think you can't trust me, but if you and your sister are in the middle of an alien scheme that doesn't belong to Zim, you're going to have to give me the benefit of the doubt."

Dib glared at him. "Trust somebody like you?! Do you know how many times I've been _burned_ by that sort of thinking before?" the boy replied tersely. He looked towards the still paralysed form of Gaz and he slumped. "Okay... fine, I don't have much choice." he said, giving in. Reaching over, the Doctor placed one hand on his shoulder.

"You'll both be fine. I promise, cross my hearts." the Doctor said. With a sigh, Dib placed the DVD in the TV and fast-forwarded through it until he found a commercial. The Doctor beckoned him to join his sister on the sofa. "Ready?"

"Yeah." Dib said. "This _will_ bring her back, won't it?"

"Should do. Hopefully." the Doctor responded, plugging his ears with both fingers as he backed up to the wall, ignoring the screen to stare at both children. "Hit play."

Dib took a breath and did so, Bloaty's theme belching through the air. Almost instantly, the boy seized up like his sister had, staring blankly ahead at the television screen. Well, that settled that. Dib was affected... or the Doctor had just landed him into trouble, but the Time Lord sincerely hoped it was the former. Actually, no, neither of them were good options, now that he thought about it.

Fingers still in his ears, the Doctor ambled forwards, staring at Dib and Gaz. Each one seemed to be in the same hypnotic state, nearly lifeless. The Doctor could still hear the muffled notes of the piggy pizza-lord bouncing and snorting behind him, so he decided to risk a glance at the television. It seemed to be a normal advertisement. He'd expected more of a big-brother style figure imparting its doctrine... which Bloaty sort of was, but he was a fairly benign corporate mascot. Everything seemed normal.

A quiet sigh from his front caught his attention, as about twenty seconds into the commercial, Dib and Gaz began to move once more. Like a defrosting lake, the pair seemed to unfreeze, eyes slowly flickering and moving, as if awakening for a dream. The Doctor hurriedly unplugged his ears and took a step backwards, giving them room to breathe.

Gaz came to first, blinking rapidly before she resumed her ever-permanent glower. "Are you still here?" she growled, flexing the empty hand that once held the remote. Her empty fingers clutched air and she directed a surprised look towards them, before beginning her search for the absent object. Needless to say, she jumped when she realised her brother had suddenly materialised next to her on the sofa. "What the-?!"

Still in a drowsy state, Gaz's voice was the catalyst in shocking Dib back into recovery. "Gaz! You're okay! _I'm_ okay!" he exulted. Gaz looked at him quizzically, then swiped the remote from his hands.

"Why... wouldn't I be?" she asked, turning to stare at the stranger in the corner once again. Her expression darkened considerably again and she looked like her old self once more. A flawless recovery, the Doctor noted.

"Why is he still here?" she asked, shuffling to the opposite side of the couch, away from Dib. "I thought you were ranting about how you were going to hand him over to your lame paranormal web-club."

Dib laughed nervously, looking at the Doctor. "I thought you said you only considered it." the Doctor asked, hurt.

"Well, I did, but-" protested Dib.

"Ranting and raving, she said."

"Yeah, not _raving_ , but-"

"Forget it. Priorities." he said, turning back to Gaz. "Gaz, what's the last thing you remembered before we were here?"

Gaz raised one cool eyebrow. "You, being an arrogant jerk." she retorted. The Doctor held up his hands.

"Ah, right, sorry about that." he apologised meekly. "Your brother and I had a word. I went a little too far. I was still psyched up from an encounter I had with Zim's "Roboparents", nasty little critters that they are."

"That's still no excuse." Gaz argued. "I was channel surfing. Why do _you_ want to know anyway?"

"Oh, no reason!" the Doctor said airily. "Just that a few minutes ago, somebody was trying to brainwash you. Hell, I'd argue that they'd succeeded, me and your brother would be none the wiser if something hadn't interfered with it. I think we'd both like to know what was going on, don't you?"

This was met with a scornful scoff. "Brainwashing? Is this your attempt to get on my good side again? How gullible do you think I am?" Gaz asked.

"Not gullible enough to deny that me and your brother just seemed to materialise into the room with you, am I right?" asked the Doctor.

His tone had became a little more serious now, making Gaz consider this. Now that it had been pointed out to her, her brain couldn't fill in the gaps. Dib saw his sister jut out her lower jaw in contemplation, then her look of realisation. "Okay," she began, "Say I believe you. How? Why, what would be the point?"

" _Precisely_! It's targeted at us, maybe even _me,_ because I know about aliens!" Dib guessed. "But all we know is that it has something to do with Bloaty's Pizza Hog!"

The Doctor moved to counter that hasty assumption, the boy already being too paranoid for his tastes already. "Nnnno, probably a more general population thing, Dib." he said, not unkindly. "I doubt that the pair of you are the sole targets here."

Gaz's sceptical look turned to Dib instead. "Bloaty's Pizza Hog?" she repeated. "You two think that Bloaty's Pizza Hog is some front for _yet another_ alien invasion?"

"Well, when you put it like that," the Doctor started, scratching behind one ear, "Yes. Definitely. Absolutément. Perfect cover, nobody would know. Only little kids go there."

This time, the Doctor was fixed with an unamused look from _both_ children, so he cleared his throat. "This Bloaty's commercial that was on, it hypnotised you, put you into a trance and let you go." he explained. "But it didn't put you under for the whole thing. What can you remember about it?"

"Nothing much," Dib shrugged, "The usual Bloaty's; maniacal animatronics trying to convince you to go and eat pizza."

"Eat more pizza. Yeah, got that bit, thanks, normal advertising in a nutshell. What I meant was anything _unusual,"_ the Doctor explained helpfully, "You know, something to catalyse the whole hypnotic reaction in you. I never saw anything."

He scooped up the remote control from Dib's hands and rewound the DVD. Then, he played it in slow-motion, frame by frame. Dib and Gaz exchanged bewildered looks at the tall man who was watching the pig costume bounce sickeningly back and forth in excruciating detail.

"Not a visual stimulus then. Probably audio, like we thought, Dib." the Doctor noted, an over-the-shoulder check seeing that neither had went back into a trance. "Seems to be about a competition. Triple anchovies contest; fit the most toppings on a pizza without it weighing over a certain amount and you get it free. Nothing special."

Caught in the reflection of the screen, Dib mouthed the contest title, working something over. That was interesting, but Dib didn't seem to think it, frowning and dismissing the idea with the slightest shake of his head. Interesting.

"Still! This is fascinating! The unhypnotisable have _been_ hypnotised." the Doctor said. "Cos, the pair of you, you're very clever. Your minds are fiendishly complex and buffered against this sort of thing normally. Even then, a little bit of extra adrenaline, I'll bet, seemed to help Gaz at least partially fight it off... just not the whole way."

"And that means this is bad?" Dib gulped. The Doctor nodded.

"Yeah, way bad." the Doctor frowned. "Either there's something in your body that makes you more susceptible to control or there's something out there with enough malign psychic energy to burn that it would make Zim look like a harmless crank and shouldn't need to bother with the Bloaty's cover."

He paused, shaking his head in disbelief. "If I hadn't shot my mouth off, got Gaz angry at me, it would have come and gone without any of us noticing. I'd have walked away and taken Zim with me, taking your only other alien expert out of the picture." he told them.

Gaz took offence to that observation. ""Angry"?" she repeated with a scoff. "You couldn't get onto my nerves if you _tried._ I'm _not_ a fragile little flower. Grow up."

Dib looked down at his chest, prodding at it. If there was something inside him, it wasn't reacting and he didn't feel any different right now. "So to put us under, there has to be some kind of second requirement as well as the music?" Dib asked. "Or third?"

"Mm," nodded the Doctor, "I mean, it just has to be to influence you directly like that. If I had my Sonic, I could scan the pair of you and find out what it was... but I seem to have lost it and by lost it, I'm not so subtly implying that Zim's nicked it."

"So... what do we do?" asked Gaz. The Doctor turned to stare at the frozen face of the porcine pizza mascot once again, lines of static dividing the suit like horizontal prison bars. He pressed a button on the remote control and the DVD popped out, returning it to the pile.

"I'd rather not risk you two being seen acting out of the ordinary if they've picked up on what happened here." he began. "So, the pair of you should just act natural while I get to the bottom of this. Play video games, pester Zim and hunt cryptids, you know, normal kids' stuff. Just don't watch the television and we should be fine."

He spun on the spot. "Actually, continuing in this vein of "bothering Zim", could one of you do me a favour?" the Time Lord wondered. "I left something at Zim's base, like a little silver tube with a blue glass tip. It's a tool I need and either I dropped it or Zim's been clever enough to steal it from me."

"Zim stole something from you?" Dib frowned, cocking his head to one side. The Doctor looked self-conscious all of a sudden.

"Embarrassing, isn't it?" he grimaced. "Anyway, could one of you two to go and get it back for me? Please? I'd do it myself, but if this _is_ urgent... so it'd be best if I didn't waste time trying to convince him to let me back in, don't you agree?"

Gaz leant back in her seat. "So you're saying we should _act_ _natural_ by going to the only alien," Gaz stopped and corrected herself, "The only _other_ alien that we know about and ask him for your stuff?"

Shrugging, the Doctor pointed out the obvious. "Gaz, people like you, me and your brother have different definitions of "normal". Whoever this is won't bat an eyelid if they've been observing you. _If_ they're observing you, that is."

Gaz didn't seem to agree, but Dib valiantly volunteered. "I'll go. If Zim has it, he'll be up to no good anyway. He'll be using it as a probe or something equally screwy. What was it anyhow?"

"Sonic screwdriver," the Doctor said, "But "probe" is good, he might call it a sonic probe."

"Screwdriver, huh? Well, I've heard _worse._ What is it, is it like a weapon for your kind or something?"

The Doctor smiled, glad for the help. At least Dib was willing to put aside his suspicions for the greater good and give him a second chance, despite getting the worst introduction to the Time Lord. "Nah, solely a tool. Sort of multi-purpose, _well,_ every purpose." he explained. "Anyway, c'mon! Sooner the better, eh?"

Crossing to the front door, the Doctor held it open for Dib, who dashed from his place on the couch across the room. The Doctor turned to follow him, but swung back into the house abruptly. "Oh, nearly forgot, don't watch the TV. You can't be certain when the Bloaty's ad might come on again. Can you handle that, Gazoo?" he asked.

At the name, Gaz peered over the back of the couch, fixing the alien with a dark and merciless glare. "Get out." she hissed.

Exchanging looks, the others decided to beat a hasty retreat, leaving the younger child alone in the sitting room. With a last glare at the door, Gaz slumped back into her seat and reached for the remote control, barely catching herself before she turned the television on.

Instead, she pulled out her Game-Slave 2, staring at the **GAME OVER** screen that had came about as a result of the Doctor's interference and sighed irritatedly. She didn't feel like facing the boss with her self-imposed handicaps again, not until she was in the zone again. With an irritated grumble, she tossed the remote and handheld console to one side and glared at her reflection instead, sitting in silence.

Bored, annoyed and with nothing else to do, Gaz growled to try to break the silence.

* * *

" _Analysis complete!_ " Zim's computer chimed.

"Finally, after a whole _month_ of waiting..." Zim grumbled. The Computer had certainly taken its sweet time examining the Doctor's glowing stick thing, scrutinising the tool from every possible angle. Zim stomped over to peer at the device himself, waiting impatiently for the computer to continue. "Well? Spill it!" he ordered.

Zim's Computer was only too happy to comply. " _The device appears to be a standard sonic interface device, maxed out beyond the normal settings. I think it has a partially psychic interface due to lack of buttons and possible setting combinations, but otherwise, the device would be available on many worlds."_ it told its master. " _This one is just heavily modified, to the point where most of the stuff it can do_ _ **amazes**_ _me, frankly._ "

"Standard sonic interface device? _I've_ never seen one before." Zim scoffed. His Computer sighed in exasperation.

" _Master, you have about_ _ **five**_ _of them._ " it pointed out. A display lit up to show several of the little tools, all different to the Doctor's, but otherwise functionally identical to the advanced tool.

"Oh. _Oh._ " Zim realised, holding the device up to the light. Come to think of it, it did share the general shape to similar sonic tools he used daily. "I was kinda thrown. I mean, looking at it, the casing's kinda weird and it's got too many other _thiiings_ on it that make it look... better _."_

" _Like I said,_ _ **advanced.**_ "

"Interesting…" Zim said, tossing the screwdriver into the air, before catching it. "Can it be weaponised?" he asked. The base AI made thought for a moment.

" _A sonic device? Not well. And certainly not this… waaay too complex_." it informed him.

"Hmm. The Time Lord _is_ clever, yes, but _nothing_ exceeds the intelligence of **ZIM**!" barked Zim, self-appointed greatest Invader of all time. "I want the box in the living room dissected for technology and parts, understand?" he ordered, tucking the sonic screwdriver into his PAK.

Zim's Computer remained silent, ignoring his master's commands, which Zim would have none of. _"_ Computer _,_ I _commanded_ you to-" Zim began.

" _You said "Time Lord", didn't you, master?_ " the Computer asked, sounding uneasy.

Zim folded his arms, eyes narrowed. "Yeah, so?" he quizzed.

" _Master, you... remember those files that were meant to be_ _ **forbidden**_ _to everybody_ _ **but**_ _the Tallests and the Control Brains?"_

Zim thought for a moment until something came to mind. He was reminded of the files he'd taken that had all of the silly and unnecessary passwords, encryptions and security lockdowns. None of those had kept him from the information that he had no doubt would be vital in his conquest of Earth. In the end he'd just taken them using a backdoor code some stupid fool had left behind, saving him the trouble of waiting. "Oh, yeah, the ones we borrowed from them?" wondered Zim. "Yes, why?"

" _Well, the Time Lords are_ _ **in**_ _those files_."

Zim rubbed his hands together greedily. _"Excellent!_ Now we can find out the Doctor's weaknesses and use them against him." he declared.

The computer that ran Zim's base had expected Zim to miss the point, but it didn't make him sound any less worried about it. " _You don't understand, Master. The Time Lords were a_ _ **powerful**_ _…"_ the Computer stopped and corrected itself. " _No,_ _ **the**_ _**most**_ _powerful and_ _ **advanced**_ _race since_ _ **forever**_ _, even with their links through parallel realities. They were wiped out alongside the Daleks-_

"Woo!" cheered Zim abruptly, interrupting the Computer. Zim cleared his throat and motioned for the computer to continue.

" _Well... that's about it. Even with your decryption programs, all further information on Time Lords is still restricted under the Control Brain's censorship._ " it said. There was a significant pause, like it was trying to decide whether or not Zim would take it the wrong way. " _But if this is a survivor, I think you might be a bit..._ _ **outclassed**_ _here._ " Zim's computer mumbled sheepishly.

Zim dismissed the thought instantly. "No-one outclasses _me!_ I am an **INVADER!** I am **ZIM!"** he roared. "Continue to decrypt the files. I want the Doctor destroyed before the day is out! And you'd better hurry, because the _filthy_ Earth-sun is going down pretty soon! Foolish Computer, thinking that I am _weaker_ than some-"

Before he could launch into a full tirade, there was a crash somewhere deeper in the laboratory and a flaming bowling ball rocketed by the Irken, just missing him. It embedded itself in the wall next to his head and Zim yelped, hopping backwards. Following the path it took, he saw GIR hooked up to another power amplifier, as well as several bowling balls and a can of gasoline.

"GIR! What did I tell you about using the power amplifiers?!" demanded Zim, crossing to rip the heavy duty wires that connected the SIR to it. GIR boggled at him, not quite sure what he had done wrong, all the while Zim continued to lecture him. "The last thing I want is you spewing out deadly waves of stupid... _again_!"

"But there was somebody at the door! I was hidin'!" the SIR unit chirruped, pointing upwards. Zim glanced between his mechanical servant and the ceiling to which he pointed. As if to punctuate GIR's claim, the reedy trilling of the human-style doorbell rang through the lab.

Zim groaned. As the Roboparents weren't up to answering the door for now and he intended for GIR to tidy up the cluttered mess, he had no choice but to do it himself. He stomped towards an elevator, snarling as he heard the sound of splashing behind him. GIR was swinging around the canister of gasoline now, merrily emptying its contents everywhere.

"Enough! Clean up this mess you've made, GIR!" barked Zim. GIR snapped to a salute as the elevator doors closed and Zim ascended out of sight. Barely three seconds later, GIR stuck his tongue between his lips and fired up his foot-based thruster rockets.

Zim was too busy complaining to himself to hear the ominous boom below, placing on his human disguise of a simple black wig and contact lenses. To some, it would be a very basic disguise that left his skin as green as the day he was born, but it still _worked._ Humans were remarkably stupid that way.

"Urgh, this is beneath me!" Zim grunted as he reached the house level of the base. "To think that _idiotic_ Doctor has reduced me to answering my own front door! I'm going to have to _deeestrooooy_ him twice as horribly as I had planned to!"

Marching to the door, Zim pulled on the handle and peeped around. "Yes, what is it?!" he demanded. He had just gotten through with barking his command when the door flew open, pushed into his face deliberately.

Staggered and clutching where a nose would be on his otherwise "perfect" camouflage, Zim blinked through tears to discover the Dib-human standing there, a determined look in his eyes. "Zim! I know you have it!" he accused the alien.

Out of habit, Zim immediately denied all accusations. "Uh? What do you mean?! It?! I've not got _it!"_ he yelped. He glanced around and found that Dib had came alone and he grew more relaxed. "Wait _,_ what are we talking about?" he asked, confused again.

Dib groaned and held out his hand expectantly. "The Doctor's sonic thing. He said you took it and I've been sent to get it back from you." he explained. Zim looked at his hand, staring at the empty palm.

Oh, that. Thankfully, Zim had planned for just such an accusation, slapping the boy's hand away. "YOU'RE LYING!" the alien screeched.

Dib looked frustrated. "No, I'm not." he replied. Zim wasn't buying it.

"Yes, you are." he nodded.

"No, I'm not!" insisted Dib.

Snorting in dismissal, Zim nodded again, shooing the child away with one hand. "Yes, yes, you are."

" _No_ , I'm _not_!" Dib snapped.

His enemy's defences lowered, Zim struck. "No, you're not." he tried.

Dib didn't quite catch on, repeating himself again. "NO, I'M NOT… wait, what?" he frowned.

Zim's train of thought also crashed to a halt, dragging his brilliant plan along with it, no better off than the human he was trying to perplex. "Huh?"

Dib sighed loudly, holding out his hand once more. "Look, just hand it over before he comes and blows up your base. _Again._ " he reasoned. Zim sneered, hand slowly drifting up to his PAK.

"But why would he do that, when I have… A **HOSTAGE?!"** Zim screeched, whipping out the sonic screwdriver. He levelled the device at the child and thumbed the switch. Disappointingly, all it did was trill merrily, glass tip flashing blue.

"Er, Zim?"

"Not one word or I'll turn your organs into mush." Zim growled, shaking it. Since his computer said it was psychic, Zim was willing the device to disintegrate or otherwise maim the human in any way it could. This wasn't happening and Dib swiped the device from his hands, pocketing it.

"It's harmless." explained Dib. Zim looked at his empty hands before finally leaping at his nemesis, reaching for his pocket.

"Hey, give that back!" Zim grunted, zipping around him to bar the exit from the porch.

"No way! You could turn it into some giant death-ray that turns people into chickens or something!" Dib replied, manoeuvring the pocket away from Zim. The Irken scoffed and tried to win his prize back, if not by force, then by sheer cunning.

"You can't honestly _trust_ him, can you?" Zim sneered. "You _do_ remember what happened the last time that you thought an alien was human, don't you?"

That struck a nerve. Dib's eyes narrowed, his prior annoyance becoming a very real anger instead. "She... _that_ _wasn't_ _obvious_!" the boy growled, levelling an aggressive finger at Zim. "I got used-"

"And what if someone _uses_ your pathetic "friendship" concept against you again, eh?" Zim wondered aloud. "Just how _bad_ it could get this time?"

"For your _information_ ," Dib snarled, jabbing his rival in the chest, "I _don't_ trust him. I mean I _can't..._ he's an alien, like you. This is to find out what he's up to. Nothing more, nothing less."

Scoffing at the predictable attitude the child took, Zim inclined his head upwards. "Yes, well, I just hope that you _remember_ that when you come crawling to me for help. _Again."_

"You came to me, not the other way around." Dib pointed out. Zim waved this off.

"Details, details." he coughed.

"Do me a favour, Zim," Dib growled, pushing Zim over and he stepped past the Irken Invader, "When you want to talk about me trusting people, _don't._ You're the _last_ person I need advice from."

With little warning, Zim leapt for his nemesis' foot and tugged. With some effort, Dib began to slowly plod away, Zim impeding him, but not by much. Getting dragged along the ground behind him, Zim tugged and strained to pull his foe off balance. "Let go, Zim!" Dib demanded.

The Irken took this as a sign that his tactic was working. "You'll never get rid of me, Earther! _Neveeeeer!"_ he grimaced, redoubling his efforts. Realising he wasn't going to give up anytime soon, Dib made sure to keep one hand on the screwdriver as he stumbled back towards his house.

"Suit yourself." he shrugged. "I'm curious to see how you'll react when we arrive at Bloaty's."

Zim flinched. "Was that the place with the-" he asked, trailing off.

"Yep."

"And the-"

"Uh-huh."

"Oh." Zim composed himself for all of three seconds. "No… no… nonononono… **NOOOOOOOO**!" he screamed.


	5. Chapter 5

When the Doctor left the TARDIS at Zim's that afternoon, he hadn't been expecting the bizarre and potentially life-threatening quest he'd set himself. He hadn't been trying to thwart an Irken Invader, nor trying to face down the Invader's robotic parent drones, or come within a _country mile_ of a pizza parlour where robotic mascots screamed slogans at him. But today just seemed to be one of _those_ days.

Now, the Doctor was penned in by a different type of animatronic, the shrieking steel ring of the Bloaty's mascots surrounding him. Bloaty and his mechanical friends screamed their pitches in his ears, despite only being scant feet away from him. The Doctor wasn't normally so reluctant to face down a horror like them, but Bloaty's and its animatronics made his skin crawl. Not because they were psychotic robots, those were something he dealt with fine, but the air seemed to buzz and tremble around them when they approached.

"DOO-DEE-DOO-DEE-DOO! COME BUY OUR SPICEY MEATBALL FEAST! FIREBALLS? YUM!" screamed a copy of Bloaty himself. The Doctor shrank back from the awful-smelling animatronic, trying to slip between it and its allies.

"Not hungry, sorry." the Doctor quipped. MechaBloaty ducked into his path again, arms spread wide.

"TRIPLE ANCHOVIES CONTEST! ENTER YOUR PIZZA TODAY! DOO-DEE-DOO-DEE-DOO!" it screeched. The Doctor didn't take it up on the offer.

"I've got a terrible imagination. It's all cobwebs and rules of the infinite temporal flux up here. You could try bananas though. Do you do banana pizzas? No? You sure?" he asked uneasily. The robots closed in, the terror-vomit smell from the suits filling the air between them. "Right, well! Had fun talking to you, hopefully nonsentient guard-dog. Can I get by now?"

"YOU DID NOT REQUEST SEATING!" the ring of animatronics shrieked as one, eyes glowing red. "THE BLOATY'S PIZZA HOG POLICY REQUIRES THAT YOU ACCEPT ONE OF OUR AMAZING OFFERS OR BE ESCORTED FROM THE PREMESES! HAIL BLOATY OR _PERISH_!"

Instead of an unholy hallelujah to the hog, the robots received a steely glare instead. The Doctor reached for his sonic screwdriver on reflex, realised it was still missing and sighed, looking MechaBloaty and companions up and down for a weak point instead. "Don't say I didn't warn you, Bloaty." he tutted.

Reaching behind one of the animatronic pig's ears, he slipped his fingers under the cloth suit to the metal skull beneath and plucked out a group of wires. The entire collection of threatening robots shuddered collectively and one after another, shut down.

Satisfied that he'd tripped their shared circuitry, the Doctor prodded the inactive automaton in front of him. "Thing about electronic hive-minds, is that they're like a tower of building blocks. Take out one and the rest fall down." he told MechaBloaty, pushing open the front of one costume. "Alright, let's have a look at you and see what's under the hood."

Inside the "ribcage" of the mechanical endoskeleton seemed fairly run of the mill for this time and place; oily and ordinary, if intimidating, human mechanics. But a more thorough examination of the internal "organs" of Bloaty and his friends yielded results as his eyes caught a glint of shiny metal in the grubby interior.

The Doctor tugged out a small chip, a newer piece of engineering that had been stapled onto the robotics within and held it up to the flickering fluorescent lights. "Ooh. An infrasound repellent field-generator." the Doctor observed, "The rest is human engineering alright, but _this_ little menace certainly isn't."

The little device felt warm in his hands as the Doctor turned it over, but it had ceased transmitting since the robots broke down. Judging by the way it was wired, the infrasound frequencies it generated were keyed to non-humans by broad spectrum transmissions. Anybody who _wasn't_ human felt a distinct, but unidentifiable cause of discomfort and distress. It was no wonder that this place gave even the Doctor and Zim the creeps.

It wasn't the clue he'd hoped for either. The technology wasn't human, sure, but if he was dealing with aliens of a distinctly non-Zim variety, the field-generator wasn't the lead he'd hoped for. Though extraterrestrial engineering, it could be bought or assembled just about anywhere, hundreds of different worlds had the kits or the resources, including the Earth itself. In essence, it was a glorified chain-link fence, with the robots serving as guard dogs.

But then, who was holding their leash? The chips held no clues, but they were certainly an annoyance. The Doctor decided he'd like the killer robots _without_ the subliminal influencing technology, thank-you-very-much. He quickly plucked out similar chips from the rest of the robots, disconnecting so that it'd be easier to move around Bloaty's Pizza Hog should he return outside of business hours.

When he had finished, he skulked over to a booth and sat down, prodding the collection of little generators in his palm. "Now, infrasound, _there's_ an interesting concept. Particularly when the running theory is mind control keyed to sounds and music." the Doctor mused.

He paused to grin at the collection of alien technology he'd uncovered. "But not you lot. Too simple for mind control, even if you're well made." he cooed. "Look at _you,_ though! Oh-ho-ho, you're _pretty_ little things! Lovely craftsman-woman-it-ship, but I doubt you've responsible for sending Dib and Gaz to snoozeville. You're only a little security field."

The Doctor stood up, acutely aware of how much clearer the air was now that the infrasound generators were deactivated: the restaurant, asides from the horrific stink and the annoying Bloaty's jingle in the background, was pretty much normal. Customers of all ages and all walks of life arrived, ate and left, overworked staff ambling around them.

And all of them ignorant to... whatever it was that was going on here.

Pushing the collection of generator chips into one pocket, the Doctor decided to get a move on, making a beeline for the till. He kept his eyes peeled for any clues that might've been hidden in plain sight throughout the second-rate... _third-rate_ pizza-joint, but again, nothing leapt out at him. Now that the robots were down, anything out of the ordinary was likely squirrelled away in the back rooms, if even that. Finding some way in there was his new priority.

Arming himself with his most brilliant smile and a (marginally) better cover story than his "cupboard inspector" one, the Doctor joined the queue and, when it was his turn, bounded forwards to meet the dopey-looking clerk stationed at the counter.

"Hello! I'm Doctor John Smith from Health and Safety!" he smiled, flashing his psychic paper at the brain-dead teenager. "I'm afraid this is an inspection of the premises, so d'you mind if you let me into the back there, please?"

The cashier blinked heavily at the man in front of him, but didn't respond. The Doctor's smile faded, slowly replaced by concern, waving his hand in front of the teen's face to no avail. He leant in to examine the young man, but he was interrupted by somebody behind him clearing their throat primly. He turned to face the culprit, a young girl about Dib's age, scowling up at him.

"Excuse me, are you next in line?" she asked in a light, accented voice. The Doctor smiled again.

"Erm, no not really," he hummed, "I'm-"

"Then _kindly_ remove yourself from the queue. You're holding it up." she sneered. The Doctor's brows rose and he stepped aside, the child marching by.

"Ooh. Sorry." he apologised. The girl ignored him, stomping up to the front desk to glare at the clerk instead. She leant up on the counter and for a moment, the Doctor honestly thought that she might hit him.

"Hey, you! Get back to work!" she growled, snapping her fingers at him. "Honestly, why don't you _earn_ your slave-wage?!"

Either the command or the sparking of the overhead lights jarred the teen back to life, jump-starting him like a computer powering up. Looking past both the girl and the Doctor to the next customer, the teen began serving them as if nothing had happened.

The Doctor tutted scornfully as the girl turned on her heel to leave. "Oi!" he scolded. The girl paused and turned around, surprised at the sudden reprimand. The Doctor folded his arms sternly. "There's no need to talk to him like that! You're a little bit young to be dishing out orders here, what're you up to?" he asked.

Cold purple eyes, a normal-ish sight thanks to years of humanity's genetic meddling, flicked up and down the Doctor's frame scathingly. "Work experience, not that it's got anything to do with you." came the answer. "Somebody has to keep these miserable insomniacs awake." the kid added.

Her remarks cut no ice with the Time Lord. "He's a human being! If you want to get anywhere in life, you _have_ to treat them nicely! Do yourself a favour and don't learn that the _hard_ way." he advised.

The grimace never left the child's lips. "I'm old enough to know not to roll over for idiots." the girl told him. "And how is any of this _your_ business, hm?"

"I like to interfere. It's what I do." the Doctor replied. His ominous statement earned him a laugh from the girl, her teeth flashing in the failing fluorescent lighting.

"No, _here's_ what you'll do. Turn around, leave and never darken this cesspool of a restaurant with your presence ever again." she said, waving him away. The lights flickered ominously to back up her order, but the Doctor remained where he was.

"Oh, don't be rude, I've had enough of rude people today," he grumbled, "Long way from London, aren't you?"

The little girl's eyes widened momentarily. "What?"

"'S the accent," the Doctor explained, "I'm good at working things out too."

The girl rubbed her forehead under her fringe. "Good for you. You still didn't answer my question, so if you could get to that at some point in your wittering?" she grimaced. "Otherwise, if you're _quite_ done bothering me, please leave… _sir_."

"Sir" was either an afterthought or an unpleasant hint to do what she said, but the Doctor wasn't paying attention now. He didn't do commands in the first place, but the lighting above their heads was getting on his nerves. No wonder the girl had such a bad temper. Instead, he'd taken a look at the buzzing light fixtures overhead, then back down at the child.

"Well, that explains the bad mood. Those lights would give anybody a headache. Not to mention the smell." he remarked. "You sure you're alright?"

"I'm fine." the girl replied, her terse reply accompanying a glare that rivalled Gaz's. "Now, are you going to explain to me what you're doing here or do I have to call the police to get you to leave?" she asked, the slightest hint of exasperation creeping into her voice.

Out came the psychic paper. "Actually, no. I'm here on business. I'm Doctor Smith, from Health and Safety." the Time Lord explained.

Businesslike, the girl held out her hand swiftly. "Identification and your warrant. _Now._ " she ordered. The Doctor did as he was told, handing her the psychic paper. Her eyes narrowed at the little leather wallet, then drifted back to the man before her. "I... see. Where's the warrant?" she questioned.

Ah. The Doctor hadn't thought that far ahead. Most people found that the paper was evidence enough. He tried to dance around the matter, miming checking his pockets. "Erm… sure. You know, I think I should be speaking to a manager, shouldn't I? You're not even in uniform."

The girl's sour frown didn't fade and she placed her hands on her hips. "Company policy means that you won't get any further without a warrant in either case," the girl drawled, a note of triumph in her voice, "So... Doctor Smith, I suggest that you go and get your warrant and let my superiors know before you come back. We're all very busy here."

The Doctor took the paper back, glancing around the restaurant and jutted out his jaw. "Okay. That's fine. Just one thing, if you please?"

Satisfied that he was leaving soon, the child lost some of her standoffishness. "Go on." she prompted.

"This place, these people... have you ever noticed anything out of the ordinary?" he asked. "People acting suspiciously, unusual equipment being installed in the kitchens... odd new members of staff?"

A scoff. "What sort of question is that?" snorted the girl, dismissively raising a hand and wandering off. The Doctor moved towards the door, rapidly overtaking her, meeting the indignant look shot in his direction with a smile.

"Oh, you know. Enough to get an idea of how things are being run here. Right, okay!" he waved. "I'll be back soon. With a warrant, of course. You've got a chance to clean up by then. So you might want to have a look at those robots. They're a bit broken."

The Doctor swanned past the mechanical horrors and pushed MechaBloaty's hat over his bulbous, googly eyes. He cast one last grin back at the dumbstruck girl before he vanished through the doors, longcoat flapping behind him.

Watching him leave, the girl narrowed her eyes.

* * *

Zim was beginning to get on Dib's nerves. Ever since he'd left the little alien invader's base, Zim hadn't released his vice grip from his ankle. Even trying to get rid of him did nothing. Dib couldn't pry him from his leg, nor did dragging the incorrigible Irken over all sorts of rough terrain deter him. Gravel, bits of broken glass, stinging nettles... say what you liked about him, but Zim had a really high pain tolerance. His arch-enemy could appreciate that.

What Dib _didn't_ appreciate was Zim's near-supernatural ability to _deafen_ those around him without pausing for breath. All this time, he'd been screaming at the top of his lungs... assuming that his "Squeedlyspooch" super-organ had lungs or whatever... and had succeeded in giving Dib a mild headache.

Good thing that Dib was almost as stubborn as Zim was. He paused, kicking his leg experimentally. Zim held fast, his fingers clamped down around Dib's leg like a vice, still shrieking.

"Fine, keep screaming!" Dib grumbled, giving up on shaking the Irken anytime soon. "I'm not going to give you back the Doctor's tool-thing!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAA- THANK YOU, I WILL- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Zim screeched. Dib sighed, still ambling towards Bloaty's Pizza Hog, ignoring Zim's taunts. "HEY, DIB, DO YOU FEEL **HELPLESS** AND **AFRAID** YET?! BECAUSE I CAN DO THIS ALL DAY!"

Dib cringed. "Please don't." he grimaced.

"Hah! You _plead_!" Zim crowed, lowering his voice to more conversational levels. "Don't think that I'm going to surrender to you, Dib!"

"Couldn't you? Just this once?" asked the junior paranormal investigator. Zim made a face, appalled and perplexed by the idea.

"You're suggesting that _I_ surrender? Just like that?!" he asked, digging his heels into the ground again. "How _long_ have we been enemies, Dib-monster? You should know me better than that!"

Dib ignored him and continued wading towards Bloaty's. It was a path, he realised, that would take him past his home and thus, his sister. Truth be told, Dib was a little worried about how Gaz was coping with the whole hypnotism thing. Neither of them were used to being controlled like that, but his sister wasn't used to doing _anything_ she didn't want to. Gaz normally avoided being drawn into the weirdness that surrounded Dib and Zim and as a result, she wasn't quite as used to the weirdness, much less _like_ said weirdness. It was a small blessing that she couldn't blame Dib this time, as their frequenting Bloaty's had been her idea.

Except that Dib had traded the family trips to her so he could watch Mysterious Mysteries on a regular basis.

Crap.

Well, Dib was more concerned about Gaz being okay than her beating him up for the umpteenth time. He'd just have to weather the storm until he could find out just what was going on.

Zim's loud orders for him to halt, roll over and die drew him back to reality. Thinking that he might calm down when they arrived at the house was a fool's dream, but Zim's shrieking had actually occurred at the best possible time.

Just as Dib was brought back down to Earth, the human and his... captor had just swung into view of Professor Membrane's house. Oddly, the garage door was open, lights flashing and sparks flying from the inside, hammering also filling the air making dread pool in the pit of Dib's stomach.

"What?!" Dib gasped, halting in his tracks. He had every right to be concerned; inside the garage was Dib's most prized possession, a crashed Irken spaceship. Its former owner, a vengeful woman looking to get even with Zim, had left it behind when she'd tried to use the Earth in her grand scheme. She might've succeeded too, had Zim, Dib and Gaz not pooled their skills and resources to defeat her.

While the crashed ship was broken, it was still an alien spaceship of potentially terrifying power and now, somebody was messing with it. His ship! Options raced through his mind. It could be his sister, furthering an act of sabotage, or worse, some terrifying menace from beyond the stars looking to use the ship for their own gain.

But, as the simplest answer was often the right one, Dib glanced down at the Irken affixed to his ankle. He stomped twice to get Zim's attention and nodded up towards the garage, a suspicious eye on the Irken Invader. "Tak's ship? What are you up to _this_ time, Zim?" he asked, rounding on the Irken.

Zim stopped tugging on Dib's ankle and stood up, brushing the dust from him to investigate. "Well don't look at _me,"_ the Invader pouted, "For all I know, you have an army of pigs rebuilding that pathetic thing."

"Yeah, well... I don't believe you." Dib muttered lamely.

He wasn't exactly sold on Zim's sincerity, but he dismissed him for now. The junior paranormal investigator had to secure the spacecraft because if somebody was rooting around in Tak's ship... well, that wouldn't be good for him. It held all the technology, all the data that could be crucial in his ongoing battle with Zim. Even though he'd backed up as much as he could, Dib still wanted a working spaceship at the end of the day. He couldn't afford to lose it.

That in mind, Dib began to creep towards the garage as stealthily as his numb ankle would allow. Equally curious and possibly _also_ dreading some new threat, Zim followed. The two tip-toed up to the ship, the flashing of welding coming from the opposite side of the wreck in flashes of harsh brilliance, hiding the mysterious individual from their sight.

Abruptly, the welding ceased and a tall and gangly figure wearing thick gloves rose out of the shadows, a blank welder's mask over their face and a blowtorch in their hands. Though the two yelped in surprise, Zim put his tremendous voice to good use again and overreacted.

Screaming like a frightened toddler, the would-be conqueror darted behind Dib, heroically looking to use the boy as a human shield against this terrifying foe. "PROTECT YOUR BLOOD!" he warned, shoving Dib forwards.

The figure turned off the torch and raised one gloved hand to flip the welding mask. "Nope! Only me, hello." the Doctor greeted them. He set the torch and mask down carefully, next to a pile of discarded equipment and goggles left behind by Professor Membrane. "Dib, did you manage to find the screwdriver?"

An irrational and possessive streak shot through Dib like a bolt of lightning. He ignored the Doctor's question and rushed over to the alien vessel, inspecting it. "What were you doing to it?! Huh?! Putting some kind of alien tracking device on it?" he snapped.

The tall and human-like alien frowned in disappointment at the outburst, the boy feeling the same. After the pair had tried to forge some kind of connection, stumbling across the Doctor tinkering with one of the few advantages Dib had wasn't doing anything to strengthen human-Time Lord relations, regardless of intent.

It seemed like this had only just occurred to the Doctor too, judging from the way he'd held up his hands apologetically. "I was trying to be helpful!" he explained. "I just found a couple of things you hadn't ironed out yet, I promise!"

Dib huffed, double-checking the ship. "Yeah, well... ask permission next time." he grumbled. Nothing seemed damaged... in fact, the ship looked almost new. Dib hadn't seen the hull of the ship gleam like this since he'd got it. Sure, it was rude of him to mess with the ship without asking, but he'd done a good job at least.

"Fair enough." the Doctor conceded. He marched up to the ship again, rapping his knuckles off of the red metal plates that comprised the hull. "Though I must say, Dib, you hit the jackpot when you got your hands on this thing. Whoever built this Spittle Runner was a _genius_. Bona-fide, stone cold _brilliant_."

He whistled appreciatively. "Don't get me wrong, she's a bit dinged, a bit empty too... 's missing the main command module in favour of the backup controls, but still! Nice piece of Irken engineering and it's quite close to getting off the ground again." the Time Lord declared. He glanced behind him at the only Irken present. "Is this yours, Zim?"

The Irken scoffed loudly, looking at the red ship with barely disguised contempt. "Pfft! No. It was that silly old whatshername who made that thing. Tak may have modified it, but even then she stood no chance against my _mighty_ Voot!" Zim told him, flexing his little arms in a show of strength.

Running a hand over the emblem that had been painted on the metal hull, the Doctor pursed his lips. "No, didn't think so. You don't strike me as somebody who'd deface the Irken Empire's military sigils." he muttered, his voice thoughtful. "How'd you get it?"

Dib hesitated. He liked the Doctor, sure, but he wasn't quite ready to tell him _that_ story. "It's complicated." the boy admitted, transfixed on the craft. The Doctor didn't push for an answer, merely nodding. That was a comfort. "But after it crashed here, I spent months trying to get it working again. I even got it repaired well enough to fly."

"What went wrong?" asked the Time Lord.

A pause. "Well... I... I mean, me and Gaz, we went to stop Zim once and... she did something to it because I lied to her." Dib replied. "I was _so_ mad. The _one_ time I actually got to _use_ it… and I still haven't figured out what she did to it."

"Well, I did." the Doctor replied, leaning back against the ship. Dib spun to face him and the Doctor cracked a smile. "Alien genius." he said simply.

"You... you can fix it?!" Dib blinked. The Doctor shrugged.

"I figured I owed you one, putting up with Zim for all that time," he said, "On one condition; I need my sonic screwdriver before I do anything, especially if I'm going back _you-know-where."_

The Doctor cleared his throat, fixing eyes with Zim, who had been stalking around the Spittle Runner, eyeing the ship critically. "So, speaking of sonic screwdrivers, Zim... your _terrible_ dress sense aside," he said, nodding at the Irken's horrible disguise, "Do you have anything to confess?"

Invader Zim either didn't know what the Doctor was talking about, or he was playing dumb. "Nope." he stared up at the Time Lord, growing suspicious. "Do _you?"_

A short, slightly sad laugh escaped the Doctor's lips. "More than you can imagine." he smiled, the spark of emotion dancing across his face. Dib watched it pass, frowned, then took pity on the poor guy, finally pulling the sonic screwdriver from his pocket.

The Doctor's face lit up as the device was handed to him, immediately turning it on the boy. The tip of the device glowed blue, whirred and ceased as the Doctor tucked it away with an annoyed tut. "Right, well, whatever it is... it's either shielded or dispersed throughout your guts. Just our luck." he sighed.

Dib cringed, uncomfortable at the idea that anything alien and horrible could be floating around inside his body. "So... are you going back to Bloaty's?" he asked.

"Yeah, but it was terrible, met the rudest little girl there, but that was just the icing on the creepiness cake. You should've _seen_ the place, Dib... flickering lights from power surges, staff acting odd, killer animatronics-"

"Oh, Bloaty's has always had the robots." Dib told him. The Doctor raised an eyebrow.

"Really? Well, I don't think they've always had these." he began. He reached into a pocket, tossing a small metal object to Dib, then another towards Zim. Both fumbled to catch them in the air, Dib turning it over in his palm.

" _Those_ are infrasound repellent field generators," explained the Doctor, "They're programmed to cause extreme discomfort in anybody non-human. Somebody doesn't want anybody from another planet snooping around that restaurant."

Dib prodded the little chip with one finger. "So... who's doing this, do you know?" he wondered.

The Doctor shook his head, plucking the chip from Dib's hands. "Nah, not exactly," he told him, "They're not too hard to make, but you can buy them from just about every planet, if you know where to look. It's not a lot to go on when just about anybody could be behind things, right Zim?"

Zim hadn't been listening, staring intently at the chip. He jumped and nearly dropped the little device as he woke up from his daydream. Zim was being... oddly quiet, which made Dib a little uneasy. It was too late that he realised that neither he, nor the Doctor, had tried to disguise the fact that Bloaty's was up to something suspicious, despite not mentioning it directly.

Well, Dib hadn't, the Doctor had jumped straight into "this is an alien device and it's up to no good", which was a decision that Dib questioned. Zim, Dib guessed, had worked the rest out on his own. "Uh, yes, yes... of course I'd do that..." he coughed, scooping up the generator and pocketing it. The Doctor, none-the-wiser, raised a quizzical eyebrow in reply.

" _Anyway..._ I at least know that's the area we've got to focus on. I've got a candidate in mind." he continued, turning back to the broken Spittle Runner, buffing out a scuffmark with his cuff.

Zim cleared his throat, glancing sidelong at his enemies. "Well, uh... that's all _very_ fascinating, but I've got to go and... do some things... you two have fun going to the _filthy_ pig-place and determining what it is that is seated in the Dib-boy's guts." he announced, moving to slink off.

The Doctor didn't even turn around, staring at the reflection. "Zim, no interfering. I want you to go home and _stay there_." he ordered. "I'll be an hour, maybe two tops and then I'll drop you back on Irk."

His mission under threat, either from the Doctor or a brand-new opponent, Dib could tell that the Irken was in more than a mood to argue with the other alien. "You expect me to leave my _missioooon_ under threat?!" Zim hissed. "No! I forbid it!"

"I _mean_ it." retorted the Doctor. His expression grew steely. "No Invading. Go home. Stay away from Bloaty's." he added, his voice sharp.

Zim glowered at him. Dib didn't doubt that he was already planning something horrible to befall the intergalactic hero in front of him, but for the time being, Zim had to settle for sarcasm. The little Irken snapped to attention, scowling up at the Doctor.

"Yes _sir_ , my _Tallest_." he huffed facetiously. Zim turned on his heel and with a last, venomous glare at his mortal enemy, marched off briskly. As soon as he was out of earshot, Dib addressed the Time Lord.

"I don't think you should have told him anything." he told him flatly. The Doctor frowned, placing his hands in the pockets of his overcoat, staring over his shoulder.

"Well, I had a reason. Incidentally, it's the same reason that I'm not taking you with me to that third... _fourth-_ rate pizza-joint. It could be dangerous and we need a backup plan." the Doctor reasoned. "If I fail, Zim could be the man for the job."

Dib shook his head slightly. "You haven't _known_ him as long as I have, Doctor! Any alien plan he has to fight, he'll try to take advantage of it first!" Dib protested.

"A risk we might have to take." the Doctor countered. He exhaled, patted the metal hull of the ship beside them and nodded towards the garage door. "Alright, I'm gonna go back there for a poke around. I'd ask you to come with, but there's no guarantee that there's nothing _too_ dangerous there. You understand, right?"

Dib bit his tongue. It was kind of annoying that the Doctor _said_ Dib did so much good, fighting Zim and everything, but... he didn't exactly _treat_ him like a fellow hero. If anything, it felt like he was trying to get him out of the way.

And Zim's suggestion began to creep into his psyche again. He had a point, after all, it'd happened before. What if the Doctor _was_ just like the last alien to "befriend" him? Manipulating him emotionally behind an benign guise? Dib might've _wanted_ the Doctor to help him finally defeat Zim, but since when did he ever catch a break like that?

So, Dib decided, the Doctor couldn't go to Bloaty's alone. Either for his own safety... or for that of the planet's.

He tried to play off the Doctor's suggestion, keeping it cool. "Yeah, I understand." Dib said, nonchalantly going back to the Spittle Runner. He prodded and checked the machine, trying to avoid the still-hot weld-spots. "But could you maybe hurry it up? I feel sick just knowing that there's some alien monstrosity chewing away at my insides!"

The Doctor shot him a surprised look, before he threw his hands up in the air. "Honestly! What is it with people in this day and age?! You're all so rude!" he complained. The Time Lord moved towards the open garage door, grumbling under his breath. "He didn't even thank me for smoothing out the bodywork…"

Dib had to act quickly. Waiting until he was sure that the man had left, Dib pressed a button on his watch and tried to look trustworthy as Gaz's image appeared on the little screen.

"What?" she snapped, glare colder than normal. Dib gulped. Part of him had almost forgotten that he'd stopped by to check on her, which didn't help with the whole "not-guilty" thing.

"Hey, um... how're you holding up?" he asked. Gaz stared right through him, growling quietly. Dib nervously cleared his throat, smiling. "Uh, d'you wanna come to Bloaty's? If I'm investigating there, I can get you a pizza!"

His sister narrowed her eyes. "How would eating more of the stuff that got us hypnotised _help_?" Gaz asked scathingly. Her brother began to crack slightly under Gaz's unsympathetic gaze, floundering for an answer.

"W-well, the Doctor said to act as normal, right?" he pointed out. "Er, I noticed you were, um… upset! Yeah, upset! I thought a pizza might help... you..."

Dib's voice petered out when he saw the frightening look his sister sent his way. " _Upset?_ " she snarled.

With that, all plans of subterfuge went out of the window and Dib decided to try logical reasoning instead. "Gaz, listen! Do you trust the Doctor to get to the bottom of this by himself?!" asked the wannabe paranormal investigator.

"I don't trust _you_ either." Gaz pointed out. "You're _both_ idiots."

"Which is why I'm asking you to come with me!" Dib told her. "Look, if... _when_ this all blows over, it'll be perfectly safe to eat pizza again. You'd really pass up a free one?"

Gaz considered this for a moment. As intelligent as the Doctor seemed, he did seem easily distracted and was too lenient for his own good. Say what you thought about Dib and Zim, but they tended to be very to the point. The quicker Gaz could go to her favourite pizza place whenever she liked, the better. It'd be better to make sure this thing ended as quickly as they could manage.

"Fine. I'll let you live _this_ time. But if you try to do that again, I'll _end_ you." she threatened.

The video-feed from Gaz's side cut off and Dib allowed himself a calming breath. He'd gotten his backup. Now all he had to do was go to Bloaty's and settle this whole "do I trust the Doctor" thing once and for all. And thwart the mind control stuff, that was sort of important too, but who knew what he'd be walking into that evening?

One thing was for certain, though. If the Time Lord _was_ up to something, Dib had played along long enough. Time for answers.

"I'm going to get to the bottom of this mystery, Doctor... whether you like it or not." Dib declared, determined.

"Stop monologuing!" a voice ordered. Dib leapt out of his skin, falling back against the metal panelling of his ship as Gaz stuck her head impatiently around the corner of the garage door. "If we're going to catch the Doctor "in the act", then we should spend less time standing around talking. You got that?"

Dib cleared his throat and composed himself. "Uh... yeah. Sure."

* * *

Prying off the ventilation grid from the back of the restaurant, the Doctor took one last breath and began to squeeze into the narrow space. It was times like these that having an alien biology really came in handy, even if he was already skinny enough to sneak into places most men his height wouldn't even dream of. His respiratory bypass system would allow him to recycle his air and traverse the vent quickly and easily.

Unfortunately, while he didn't really have to breathe, he was still a little on the big side, so the Doctor had to press his stomach muscles as flat as he could, worming his way forwards on his front. Be you human, Time Lord, Irken, or anything else with an endoskeleton, it was not an experience you'd enjoy, even if you were notoriously skinny.

Thankfully, it was a short trip. The Doctor pulled himself out of the vent, tumbling to the floor in an awkward heap. "Ow." he muttered indignantly, sucking in a deep lungful of air. He made a face as the odd, damp smell of Bloaty's Pizza Hog hit home again, somehow worse now that he wasn't out at the seating area. "Oh, guh! Bleh! Even the _air_ here tastes nasty. Like old socks...yuck." the Doctor complained.

Steeling himself against the smell, the Doctor took in the room around him. Judging from the wrecked Bloaty's androids propped up against the wall and the mountain of a man that was sleeping on a dilapidated couch, the Time Lord had found his way inside via the staff room. He glanced between the sleeping employee and the door, sidling by and ignoring the stench as he brushed against an equally huge Bloaty's costume that hung on the wall behind him.

Pushing the door open, the Doctor looked through it... then sighed, stepping out onto the main floor of the restaurant beyond. He'd expected another room between himself and the rest of the pizza-parlour. Once again, nothing looked out of the ordinary, though Bloaty's was a little busier than before, families crowding the restaurant that evening.

"Sometimes, I wonder if the human mind is as complex as I think it is," the Doctor lamented, "One mouthful of pizza here and I don't care _who's_ put whatever mind control things in it, I'd be _outta_ here like a shot!"

Glancing around him, the Doctor noticed a door labelled "DO NOT ENTER" to his right. A little odd, considering he'd just came from the staff room, but even more odd when he took a look at the door behind him. It had a big square of unpainted wood on its surface that roughly matched the sign on the other one.

"Ooh. Looks like someone didn't have enough paint for two doors… or they didn't care." he murmured, reaching for the handle. He rattled the lock and when it didn't open, he turned the sonic screwdriver on it instead. An electronic buzz filled the air as the screwdriver did its work, followed shortly afterwards by a beep from the door as it opened, revealing an ordinary cupboard behind it.

" _Call me crazy_ ," thought the Doctor, " _B_ _ut the average door, without a fancy lock, does not go "beep", now does it?_ "

The Doctor leaned inside, examining the little storage space. It was sparse, but all the essentials were inside; mops, buckets, rat-poison. It'd fool the casual observer, but if he squinted, the Doctor could make out a small line along the far corner of the closet, dividing two surfaces. A false back. Tossing the mops and buckets to one side, he traced his hand along the thin crease in the walls.

"The Doctor: PHD in Cupboards, first class." he grinned. "Glad I earned that one. _"_

Raising the screwdriver again, he followed the gap until the false back slid away, revealing a suspicious-looking piece of equipment; something that resembled an empty metal door-frame with no obvious controls. It did seem built into the floor, though, so any power source was probably coming through the normal electricity supply. It explained the flickering of the lights earlier. Well, so could powerful, close-range psychic manipulators, but this was just as good.

But before the Doctor could examine the device in detail, a muffled scuffling sound caught his ear, coming from the other room. At first, the Doctor thought it might've been the large man who'd fallen asleep on the couch, but it sounded a lot more like hushed arguing. Two voices, in fact.

Somebody was coming in through the same way he did, the Doctor realised.

Ignoring the hypocrisy, who asides from the Doctor would be _crazy_ enough to even _consider_ using the vent to sneak in here?

* * *

"C'mon, _c'mon_!" Dib grumbled. "Oh man, how'd I even get stuck in here?"

Outside the confines of the vent, Gaz allowed herself to smirk. "Probably your stupid, giant head." she snickered. Dib was in no mood to humour his sister's jibes, nor could he make a rebuttal. From what Gaz could see, he was stuck fast and preoccupied trying to get out of the metal vent.

"This is all your fault!" Dib grunted, trying to break free. Gaz didn't debate that part. It'd been her that had saw the vent cover on the ground and it was too tempting an opportunity to pass up. After suggesting it was the Doctor's point of entry, she even volunteered to go first to get Dib to lower his guard and to watch the show.

Dib finally succeeded in freeing his planet-sized noggin from the air-duct, breaking loose with a comical pop. His sister side-stepped his falling frame and he fell onto a very solid-looking floor. Gaz snickered again, clearly enjoying herself.

Picking himself up, Dib brushed what he hoped was lint off of his long black jacket. "Very _funny_." he growled. "Now. Let's see if we can find that _fickle physician_ before he turns the world into cream cheese or something…"

Gaz glanced behind Dib, looking upwards. "I have a feeling it won't take that long." she said dryly.

Dib turned to see the Doctor looking confused, annoyed and exasperated at their presence. "What're you two _doing_ here?!" the Doctor asked in a strangled whisper, glancing at the sleeping man on the couch.

Gaz folded her arms, her smirk fading away to her normal cold grimace. "Following him." she said. The Doctor sighed resignedly as he addressed the junior paranormal detective.

"Dib, listen, you're a kid after my own hearts-" he began, but only got so far before Dib raised a hand to shut him up. After the vent incident, he was in a bad mood and didn't want to hear what he could and could not do.

"Save it! You can't _lie_ to me!" he said, an accusing finger pointed at the Doctor. "You don't think I'm cut out for the job, or worse, you actually _are_ up to something; either _helping_ Zim or trying to get rid of him so it'll be easier to take over!"

The Doctor blinked. "That's insane!" he pointed out. Dib bristled at the word.

"Nothing _else_ would make any sense! I don't _get_ help like this!" he told the Doctor. "Not without some catch! Me and Gaz-"

"Don't drag me into your whacked out world." Gaz protested. Dib was all too happy to oblige.

"Fine then, _I_ figured it out! Either you think I'm a screw-up or you're trying to keep us away from your base of operations. That's right, isn't it?!" he snapped, raising his voice. "ISN'T IT!?"

The man on the couch began to stir. Reaching to the hook on the wall, the Doctor took down the Bloaty's costume and draped it over the sleeper like a blanket over a bird cage. It worked and he dozed off again. Turning back to the siblings, the Doctor rolled his eyes when he saw Dib's adamant stance.

"Oh, come _on,_ Dib! I thought you were _smarter_ than this! Why would I rescue you, then go about destroying your planet?" he asked.

"To gain our trust!" the boy replied. The Doctor motioned for him to keep his voice low, jerking a thumb emphatically at the slumbering flesh-mountain on the sofa. Dib shot him a nervous glance, giving the Doctor a chance to shoot down his theory.

"There are _easier_ ways to go about conquering the planet! I should know, I've stopped most of 'em!" the Doctor hissed back. "Besides, I thought we'd cleared all this up! I'm not here to hurt anyone, I swear on my life."

The conviction in Dib's eyes faded. Their earlier confrontation held some weight after all, the boy shifting uneasily from side to side. "Yeah, well... I just want to make sure that nothing horrible happens to anybody else. Or you, I guess." Dib mumbled.

The Time Lord sighed, dragging a hand across his face. "Alright. Okay, fine, you can come with me," the Doctor muttered, pressing his index finger over his lips, "Just keep _quiet_! I still don't know what we're dealing with here!"

Dib scoffed. "As if I can't do "quiet"!" he said, scornfully. Beside him, his sister buried her face in her palm, voice muffled by her hands.

"Dib… just… _go_ …" she groaned wearily. Grateful for the assistance, the Doctor nodded at Gaz.

" _Thank you._ " he mouthed. He received only a cold glare in return, reminding the Doctor that his little confrontation with _her_ still held some weight too. Something that he'd have to work on.

Sidling by the sleeping behemoth for a final time, the Doctor lead both children to the cupboard and gestured at the unusual machine inside. Dib being Dib, the child's vow of silence didn't last, freaking out at the bizarre alien gizmo.

"Oh _man_ I'veneverseenanythinglikeitit'sincredible!" he paused for breath, trying to reassert his priorities. "So... is it... y'know, yours?"

The Doctor stepped into the cupboard, then rapped the metal frame of the strange machine with a single knuckle. "Nah, it's not mine." he told them. "This thing has been cobbled together from what looks like scrap and it's got no distinct or identifying design philosophies that tie it to any specific species... not to mention, it's got several…"

The Doctor stopped and leant closer to the device, licking the dull grey metal of the frame, much to the children's befuddlement. "Urgh… that was… gross." Gaz frowned. "What did that accomplish?"

"I'm figuring out the ingredients, Gaz." the Doctor replied, smacking his lips. Working the taste over his tongue, the Doctor looked thoughtful. "Hm, I can taste solid steel and some sort of non-native metallic element... Rustix, maybe?"

He ran a hand around the edge of the frame, his fingers passing over nodules and bumps affixed to the sides of the machine. The Doctor pointed at the rivets and bolts that ran along it. "These, though, I know what those are." he explained. "Meteoric iron, shaped by a hammer. That's interesting."

"I'll say," Dib chipped in, "Isn't that Cold iron? Y'know, to repel magic?"

The Doctor straightened up, tutting at Dib, much to the boy's surprise. Being a time-travelling alien, Dib had never pegged the Doctor for a paranormal sceptic and now, as always, Dib felt very on the spot. His ears burned a little in embarrassment.

"It's just a different kind of science, Dib." the Doctor scolded gently. "Don't get me wrong, it's still a thing, but it's a _quantifiable_ thing. Every branch of magic can be reduced down to psychomechanics and telepathic energies and metaphysics and... you're looking at me funny. Something the matter, Dib?"

"Oh, it's just that for a minute there..." Dib started, slightly embarrassed. "Well, I thought..."

The Doctor smiled gregariously, patting Dib on the back. "No worries. I've fought gods, demons, witches and wizards, but it all boils down to different kinds of sciences in the end." he explained. "So, despite the wording, you're right. Meteoric iron interferes with telekinetic manipulation, much like common table-salt interferes with-"

"Magic? Seriously?" Gaz drawled. Both her brother and the Doctor jumped a little, almost having forgotten she was there. She had a point too, they still had a scheme to thwart. The Doctor cleared his throat, moving on.

"Well, long and short of it, somebody was trying to hide this thing by rendering it invisible to every scanner they could think of. 'S why it was hand-built, made out of mostly recycled materials like your common-or-garden steel." the Doctor summarised. He ran his hand through his hair, sniffing.

"My best guess is that somebody knew their way around a scrapheap, somebody who "makes do". I share the sentiment, but not the method of employment, considering they're using it to do something suspect." said the Time Lord, kneeling halfway inside the arch to inspect the lower portion. "All the alien materials, they've come from somewhere else... any one of the scrapyard planets out there, Junk, Dirt, those sorts of places."

"But it's _still_ alien?" Dib confirmed. The Doctor stood up again, turning to face both children. He wasn't smiling anymore, staring past them as he thought.

"Oh yeah. This thing is about as human as I am." the Doctor replied. "Might not match a design philosophy, but I recognise the engineering style. Same as the chips, obviously, but if a lot more time and care had been put into it..." he muttered to himself, dipping his head back into the cupboard. Dib followed suit, peering a little closer.

"So what _is_ it?" Dib asked. The Doctor exhaled.

"It looks like one half of a teleport booth. Bare bones, I think, but everything you need to go from one place to another." he told Dib. The Doctor extracted the sonic screwdriver and aimed it at the frame, but even it had no effect. "Deadlocked. Can't turn it on to see where it goes."

The Doctor busied himself, trying different settings on the screwdriver, while Dib employed the classic approach of double-checking the machine. Outside the closet, hemmed out of the limited space by the lanky alien and her big-headed big brother, Gaz leant on the wall, bored out of her mind. Not that she wanted to look inside, she'd already lost interest in their discovery as soon as the Doctor had declared it an alien device.

Alien. Big deal. A government plot would've been more interesting. Or some lone lunatic, out for some nonsensical power-grab, something new for a change. Being borne of another extraterrestrial scourge made it dime-a-dozen.

Gaz stifled a yawn, glancing across the restaurant, out the filthy windows. The sun had set a while back, but already it felt like the night had gone on forever. Ever since the hypnotism incident that evening, coupled with Zim's antics, Gaz had been eager to get things over with before she dozed off. Not that the serene restaurant helped, the silence lulling her to sleep with its-

Wait, _serene_? When was Bloaty's _ever_ serene?

"Um… hey, Doctor, was it?" Gaz began, trying to grab the Time Lord's attention. Like a shot, the Doctor raised his head from the cupboard, snapping around to face the little girl.

"Yup! That's me. Just "the Doctor"." he nodded, turning back to Dib. "Actually, the pair of you are probably the first _not_ to ask "Doctor Who?" at all? I mean, Gaz, your question was technically "Doctor What?" if I'm being pedantic, but-"

"Everyone in the restaurant is a brain-dead vegetable." Gaz interrupted.

The Doctor's words petered to a halt as he stuck his head outside the closet, glancing around Bloaty's Pizza Hog. Sure enough, every customer, every member of staff, every living being bar the three of them, had ground to a halt, regardless of what they were doing at the time. Even the twinkling music had stopped.

"Oh. _Oh._ That's just... oh." he mumbled. " _Aw_ , I wanted to point that out! All dramatic and…"

The Doctor paused when he noticed Dib and Gaz staring at him, one confused, the other smug at her small victory. "Sorry," he apologised, "Moving on."

Taking a few huge strides across the room with the children in tow, the Doctor examined one of the dozing Bloaty's patrons that stared blankly ahead, drooling into their pizza.

"Brain functions have almost completely isolated themselves, just like before, we're talking very basic survival abilities. Look at this," he said snapping his fingers in front of one, "Nobody's at home upstairs."

Behind him Gaz grimaced. "I was like that?" she asked. The Doctor waved his hand dismissively.

"Nah, nah. _Well_ , minus the drooling. You were a very tidy little zombie. Very well mannered." the Doctor grinned, before growing serious again as he leant close to another customer. He ran the sonic screwdriver over them, but they didn't seem to budge.

"Anything?" Dib asked. The Doctor shook his head.

"No, the exact same as when I was scanning you. I don't like this." he replied, thoughtful. "What could be causing this? Neurochemical manipulation? Psychic control?"

He stood back from the customer, leaning on the table. "These people seem to be in a deeper trance than you two. We may be closer to the transmitter, but in that case, why aren't you two affected?" the Doctor wondered, making a face. "Must've happened while you were in the vent, shielded you from the transmissions."

"The music stopped." Dib pointed out. The Doctor nodded.

"Good point. Somebody might know we're here, we should hurry up." he said. The Doctor looked around, then clambered up onto a table, peering at a single dusty speaker above a booth. "Hm, or, it could be this. 's broken, fuse burnt out... probably the power surges, not too difficult to fix. Maybe it's caused the same effect on them as it had on you, Gaz."

Jumping back down to look around, the Doctor pointed at desks and booths scattered around Bloaty's. "Right! Family activity time, methinks. We need to make sure that there's not another part to this, so let's start by looking under tables and stuff for transmitters, needles, microphones, anything of the sort." he ordered. "Pretty please?" he added.

Dib shrugged, ducking under a table to look, but nothing seemed out of the ordinary; all he found was gum stuck to the undersides, children's stickers and the like. "I've got nothing. How about you, Gaz?" he asked his sister.

"I'm not checking under the tables." Gaz scoffed, glancing upwards. The Doctor had turned his efforts back to the speaker, muttering to himself, but watching him sure beat checking under the seats like that. "There isn't anything under there, anyway." she added.

Dib was tempted to ask her how she'd know that, but he decided _not_ to draw his sister's ire again. His eyes searched along the floor under the table and its neighbouring booths while the Doctor muttered dubiously to himself above him.

That was when Dib heard the "DO NOT ENTER" door swing open and shut. Somebody was coming!

Short, sharp footsteps on the linoleum flooring heralded the arrival of a small pair of metal-buckled boots. With a chill, Dib realised that he'd seen them before. More to the point, he knew _who_ the boots belonged to. Straightening up to confirm his fears, Dib went very pale, rooted to the spot.

"Oh." he said softly.

From the corner of her eye, Gaz noticed her sibling's inactivity and folded her arms. "What're you-?" she asked, following his arm as her brother raised a finger to point at the new arrival. Legitimately surprised for once, Gaz was also stunned into silence, watching as the figure studied the still distracted Doctor with scarcely a glance at her.

"No _way_." the girl snarled, clenching her fists.

The Doctor didn't exactly hear what she'd said, but he spoke up nonetheless, finishing his tinkering with the speaker. "You two are being quiet. Have you found something?" the alien piped up, spinning around.

In front of the Doctor was the figure he'd recognised as the young "manager" from earlier, staring up at him, arms folded and glaring at the collective intruders. "As much as I appreciate your attempt at repairing that, I'm going to have to ask you to stop prodding that transmitter." she said, voice terse. "I was expecting you back here before tomorrow, but I'd expected you to come alone... and certainly not with children... _these_ children, in tow."

While the children were quite shocked, the Doctor took the new arrival in his stride, nodding as if he'd expected her to appear this the whole time. If he didn't, he was good at not showing it.

"Oh, hello again!" he said breezily, jumping down from the table. "Took your time. I was wondering when you were going to make another appearance."

This took some wind out of the new arrival's sails. "Come again?" the girl asked, baffled. Dib also shot the suit-wearing alien a confused look.

"Well, I made an educated guess. You only look about twelve, yet you've got absolute power over this place." he noted. "You could've been just a spoiled, _spoiled_ little rich kid, but you seemed a bit too sharp, bit too commanding of your staff."

"How'd you-?" Dib began. The Doctor shrugged.

"Met her earlier, remember? I'll not name names yet, just in case I'm wrong, that'd be embarrassing!" he snorted. "So, how about we confirm my suspicions instead? You already know the kids, that's for certain. Judging from their stunned silence, I'm guessing you left a bad taste in their mouths. What were you to them then, hm? Schoolmate? Friend? Neighbour?"

The girl seemed to stiffen. "Very good. Schoolmate, actually. I wouldn't go so far as to say "friend", as I doubt that Dib would want to associate with me when the truth came out." she muttered, fixing eyes with the eldest of the children.

Now that he was being addressed, Dib finally found his voice. "You're _alive_?" he asked. Dib sounded shocked, sure, but he didn't let that stop him. The girl raised her eyebrows in a calm, collected way, looking directly at him.

"You didn't _expect_ me to have a backup plan? You're _meant_ to be smarter than the rest of them." she tutted. Her expression became quite cold when she focused on the Doctor again. "Who're you?" she asked, eyes snapping to the Time Lord.

"I'm the Doctor," he replied, "And you?"

"My name," the girl declared, "Is Tak."


	6. Chapter 6

" _Ohhhh,_ it _is_ you!" the Doctor said, placing his hands in his pockets. "Come on, you can drop the glamour. We all know you're not human, so why don't you get more comfortable?"

After a moment's surprise, the alien complied with the request. Unlike Zim's wig and contacts, Tak's disguise was a hard-light hologram, laced with all sorts of perception filters to conceal her true nature. Now it was gone and the girl had been replaced by the imposing figure of an Irken woman instead.

A few things remained the same. She still wore the long uniform that brushed the top of her tall, metal-tipped boots, though it was lighter now and accompanied by the black, standard-issue gloves and pants all Irkens wore. Tak also kept her tight-lipped scowl and the little beauty spot below her left eye, carried over from her disguise.

That was were the similarities ended. Though still pale, human flesh tones had given way to green Irken skin. Even the common features she shared with Zim stopped with her deep purple eyes and the psychic manipulator above her left brow. Her antennae also differed, ending in a square curl before their pointed tip, unlike Zim's simple, straight-as-an-arrow look.

Though only slightly taller than Dib, Tak was an intimidating figure nonetheless. The Irken crossed her arms, her attention on the unfamiliar figure of the Doctor. "You sound like you were expecting me," she pointed out, tilting her head at Dib and Gaz, "Did they tell you who I am?"

The Doctor frowned, sucking air through his teeth. "Well, no, I put it together myself if I'm honest." he confessed. "I happened to be scanning for Irken technology earlier. A second big blip caught my eye, but I dismissed it as one of Zim's projects… I only stuck around after I caught that Bloaty's ad."

He leant back towards the children. "Actually, Dib guessed it first. I saw his reflection spell out your name, or at least the "Triple Anchovies Contest" bit." the Doctor said. "No idea what it meant at the time."

"I… thought it was a coincidence." Dib admitted. He didn't look in the Doctor's direction, his eyes wide and fixated on Tak. "Because, you know… "Contest" is spelled with a "C" and all."

"Fair enough," conceded the Doctor, turning back to Tak, "Not surprised though, you _do_ seem to be good at hiding things. Your disguise had me fooled for a bit and even your anti-alien system here was anything but obvious. _"_

Digging into his pocket, the Doctor took out one of the infrasound generators that Tak had hidden inside the Bloaty's robots. "Effective as they are, they're not exactly hard to make. Any Earth-like planet has the resources for all sorts of things like the infrasound chips or the teleport booth in the back there, even if they're alien technology. As long as you could design them in a way that there was nothing to identify them explicitly as Irken, they couldn't be tracked back to you." he explained.

"Of course, with things like sonic technology and T-Mat being top-secret or experimental at the moment, it'd rule out regular human involvement. But to make the chips selective enough to keep Zim out, irritate me, but allow you free reign? To do that, you'd have to be fairly intelligent and at least have intergalactic-class engineering skills." the Doctor added, now locking eyes with Tak. "And not to badmouth him, but having seen Zim's handiwork up-close and personal, I was willing to believe there was another ne'er-do-well on the planet."

He tossed the chip he held in the air once, then again in Tak's direction. The Irken caught it deftly, tucking the chip into the pocket. Now free, the Doctor's hand waved idly as he went on, gesticulating as he thought aloud.

"You didn't tune them to your DNA or anything, so trying to narrow it down was the hardest part," admitted the Doctor, "Luckily for me, the others gave me some ideas. After I mentioned our run-in earlier to the boys, Zim mentioned you offhandedly. He wasn't… exactly flattering, but that and Dib's "realisation" put you in my head enough to use my sonic to compare the infrasound chips to what I'd gleaned from what Dib had recovered from your previous operation. Lo and behold, they shared the same custom programming."

"So, that's what you were doing with the-" Dib began. He stopped when he realised that mentioning Tak's ship in the same room as its former owner was probably a bad idea. Nevertheless, Tak's gaze snapped to him as if he had, coolly looking past the Doctor to the children.

"It's nice to see that somebody got something out of the whole fiasco," she noted, "But to what end, I wonder. Salvage or trophy?"

"It wasn't a trophy!" Dib protested indignantly. He liked to imagine he had a little more integrity than that. He only really gloated when it came to Zim, all things considered. Tak nodded, satisfied with his answer.

"Salvage then?" she confirmed, seemingly pleased enough that the scowl became a smirk. "Good. I expected as much."

The Doctor's eyebrows bobbed upwards with that remark. While she was certainly probing for details, trying to determine what Dib had, Tak seemed hold Dib in slightly higher regard than… well, he'd expected her to. Zim had been less than cordial with Dib and vice versa, but that didn't seem to hold true with the other Irken. Perhaps she was just being civil?

Civility in Irkens was rare enough, so the Doctor decided to use that wisely, pressing forwards with his investigation. "So, Tak, enlighten me," he requested, "Why _are_ you hypnotising these people? What's the point in taking over a fourth…" he paused, frowning, " _Fifth_ -rate pizza joint?"

Tak snorted at the Doctor's comment. "Yes, it _does_ sound stupid, doesn't it? I've got my reasons," she assured them, "I just don't intend to tell my enemies them. I made _that_ mistake before, but now I know to keep the information to myself. Safe and secure in here." she smirked, tapping her head.

"How _did_ you survive, anyhow?" Dib asked, his voice terse. When Tak's permanent glare turned towards him again, the junior paranormal investigator didn't cower under the scrutiny this time. Instead, he met it with a scowl of his own, the same look he'd worn when he took the Doctor to task. "I thought Zim ejected you into space!" he growled.

Tak raised an eyebrow at the assumption. "Is _that_ what he told you?" she wondered, tilting her head curiously. "Dib, you of all people should know that Zim tends to… _embellish_ his stories to make himself look good. If you _must_ know, I had an escape pod onboard my ship. That's what he blasted into space."

Her voice and expression both grew hard again. "Hurled into orbit, with no way to leave, until I fell back to your horrible planet. So yes, Dib, I survived," Tak said, "But Invaders _always_ survive!"

Gaz sneered. ""Invader"?" she scoffed. "I don't really know you, I mean, we've never even talked to each other… but there's one thing I _do_ know about you. You're _not_ an Invader. Zim wouldn't stop bragging about it. You never have been, never _will_ be."

Tak's expression grew darker still, glaring pointedly at Gaz. "Alright, _look,"_ she growled through clenched teeth, "I'm not here to take over your useless planet anymore and I'm _certainly_ not interested in any of _you_. We all know _what_ I'm here for."

"I don't!" the Doctor cut in.

He went ignored. Both Tak and Gaz kept staring each other down. The girl was playing a very dangerous game, considering Tak had just demonstrated how short-tempered she was. Only time would tell which of the pair was going to get on the other's nerves first.

As she'd started it, Gaz already had the upper-hand. Her alien opponent only grew frustrated when the girl feigned ignorance. "Do you mean Zim's robot?" Gaz snickered. "He was the one that hijacked yours. I just helped."

Tak narrowed her purple eyes. "Because MIMI sabotaged herself, obviously." she asked sarcastically. "I know what you two did, you _idiot. Don't_ play dumb with me, little girl. You'll regret it."

The youngest of the siblings was anything but intimidated. "Me, dumb? Funny how only one of us took over _yet another_ fast-food joint in her schemes for global domination." Gaz retorted, a smirk crossing her face. "And the name calling is pretty childish too."

"Childish, hm?" Tak snapped. "I'm not the juvenile sneering insults at the alien Invader! We'll see just how _confident_ you are in a moment _…_ "

With a dangerous look in her eye, Tak began to stalk towards the girl. But as she approached, a larger figure swooped between them and she found herself facing the Doctor again. Against the unfamiliar form of her new opponent, Tak halted, diverting her glare to the taller alien.

"Wait a minute, hold on… she said you're _not_ an Invader." the Doctor confirmed.

Tak begrudgingly nodded, answering his question. "Yes, technically." she admitted. The Doctor went on, deciding that she was at least courteous enough to hear him out.

"Then why are you _here_ , of all places? Irk and the Empire is so far away. Coming to Earth is _awfully_ time-consuming, so you _have_ to be up to something, no?" he asked.

Tak chose her words carefully as she replied, wagering her opponent wouldn't be satisfied without some sort of answer. "If you _must_ know, alien, I'm here to ruin Zim's life," she explained, "In doing so, I'll prove myself to the Almighty Tallest and become an Invader."

The Doctor's expression became a hardened stare. "And where does this planet factor into your plans?" he asked. Tak waved away his concerns.

"I wouldn't worry about Earth," she reassured him, "This planet doesn't interest me anymore. Once I'm finished with him, I'll leave this useless rock and its miserable inhabitants alone. If I ever- I mean, _when_ I become an Invader, I would choose a planet _far_ more useful than this one. Draconia or Sontar, for example."

"That's… pretty ambitious." noted the Doctor. He meant it too. Neither of those planets were pushovers, each one with considerable martial might at their disposal. If she hadn't been Irken, he'd have laughed her out of the room. But her species had a track record, one fruitful enough to spawn an entire career out of it, as Zim would be happy to demonstrate, if he was allowed. The Doctor knew only too well what an Irken Invader like him could do.

Speaking of Zim, the Doctor couldn't help but wonder why the tiny, screaming Invader's well-being was such an obstacle to her lofty goals. Truth be told, he was struggling to comprehend the overwhelming desire to become an Invader in the first place. It was a nasty profession, through and through.

He took a step back, sitting down on the edge of a partition between two of the booths, legs dangling casually below him. "Here's the thing I can't understand, Tak," he began, "Why _become_ an Invader in the first place? I mean, I _get_ the whole "I will have my revenge, Zim" angle and all, whatever that's about… but surely there has to be _something_ else that piques your interest? Something easier, more fun… less genocidal?"

Tak stiffened at the word "revenge", settling into a scowl as his words fell on deaf ears… or lack thereof, considering Irken biology. Instead, the Doctor was met with a long, cold glare from the female Irken.

"I _want_ to be an Invader because it's _what I chose to be!_ Not because I have some pathological need to _murder_ things!" Tak snapped.

"Conquer planets? Wipe out anybody who stands in your way? Seems like the same thing to me." the Doctor pointed out. "You should be _thanking_ Zim, not trying to-"

Tak growled and took a step forwards, aggressively jabbing a finger at the Time Lord. "He took _everything_ away from me! Everything I had _left_!" she snarled. Tak looked him up and down, scornfully and scoffed. "How can _you_ possibly know what that's like? How can _you_ know what it's like to lose _everything_?!"

If she intended it to shut him up, it worked spectacularly. The Doctor had no reply for her, but his gaze became distant, some silent pain visible in his eyes. He stared down at Tak, still quiet, his expression having gone from inquisitive to one of pity. There was no need to pursue her claim. She was wrong and the fact was plain for all to see.

Under the scrutiny, Tak faltered and lowered her arm. Confident as she'd been before, now she seemed unsure about her outburst. Perhaps even guilty.

With a questioning look between one another, Dib and Gaz shared a confused glance at the pair. In the short time they'd known her, neither would have expected Tak to stop her tirade there, let alone look remorseful about it. If anything, the alien was equally thoughtful about her reaction, pensively rubbing her thumb against her fingers.

Finally, the Doctor sighed and snapped out of his trance, shaking his head slowly. "But you survived," he said, "And you decided that you want to fill that void with more pain. More suffering. What can possibly be worth all that?"

All eyes on her, Tak glanced between the Doctor and the children before adjusting the hem of her shirt, taking a breath to steady her nerves. Now that nobody was insulting her, she could afford to be more polite. Her voice grew a little more civil, a little more reasonable as she answered.

"If you know about my species, Doctor, then you already know that Invaders are everything in our society. From the moment we're born, each one of us dedicates their entire lives to the Empire, to be an asset to our species." she explained. "I'm no different. Every second I waste here is one that could be spent _being_ that asset. But as I told Dib, I've been left with no way to escape this rock."

"No plans for an escape, but that didn't stop you from creating a backup plan just in case everything went wrong, no?" the Doctor ventured. Tak nodded.

"Well, yes, of course I had a backup plan," she replied, "I'm confident, not stupid."

The Doctor nodded. "Impressive forward thinking there. I'd call it admirable, if your whole argument wasn't "I want to genocide some planet some day"."

Tak frowned sourly, but paid him no mind. "I'd scoped out this place before I even made my previous attempt," she continued, "Originally, it progressed too slowly for my purposes, so I went forwards with my plans for Deelishus Weenie. But I'm patient, Doctor. I've waited for over _fifty_ _years;_ looking for Zim, planning and readying myself. I knew that one day, I'd need this filthy place for one thing or another."

Nodding to herself, Tak began pacing idly, looking across the silent visages of the immobilised customers in the restaurant. The Doctor followed her progress, standing again when she turned back towards the children, getting between them. Though they'd faced Tak before, there was no telling what the Irken would do now that she'd been discovered, let alone by the people who'd stopped her last time. Better him than them, the Doctor decided.

"So while you were busy, this went on all the same. All automated, I assume? Left to a computer?" the Doctor wondered, keeping her attention on him.

"Yeah, she wasn't best pleased. Good to see that it hasn't inhibited her." Tak said, gesturing around the restaurant and the dozing masses within. "She was tasked with overseeing this place via remote control, all with the objective of turning mankind into mindless, drooling slaves… not that big a leap, I know, but it serves its purpose."

"Which is, I'm lead to believe, disrupting Zim's mission to the point where it isn't feasible and he gets pulled in by his bosses." the Doctor summed up. "From what he says, I've gathered that he's a pretty important Irken back home-"

"You have no idea." drawled Tak. The Doctor went on.

"Yes, so by proving yourself by overthrowing _him,_ not only do you prove your competency to the Tallest, you also present them with a viable method of mind control to employ on other slaves." he finished. His guess earned him a small smile.

"Good effort, not quite." Tak chuckled. "If you're fishing for details, I'm still not telling. But I _can_ tell you that last time, I learned that any plan you can't adapt to the current situation isn't a plan worth keeping. And to _keep_ it adaptable _and_ secure, I keep it in here." she tapped the side of her head once more.

"You might not be using them to conquer the planet, but you're still _using_ them." the Doctor said sternly. "You're still using these _people_ like tools. I can't let you do this, Tak. You know that, right?"

"Of course, I'd expect you to." Tak agreed. "But I'm in no mood to deal with the children or yourself interfering and I'd prefer to take my revenge on Zim later." the Irken paused then frowned in disgust. "Urgh, now you people have _me_ doing it! We'll call it a slip of the tongue. It's not about revenge."

"We're supposed to _believe_ that?!" Dib exclaimed, pushing in front of the Doctor, dragging Tak's attention back to him and his sister. "The last time you were here, you were trying to take over Earth just to _settle a score_ with Zim! Don't even try to lie to me, not this time! I've read up on the entire thing from your own ship's computer and I-"

Tak's expression lightened, genuinely surprised. "I knew you had my ship, Dib, but its systems _survived_ re-entry?" she asked, placing a hand under her chin. "Well, that's good news, at least… though judging from your slack-jawed expression, I'd say you shouldn't have mentioned it. After all, I thought you'd have wanted to keep the whereabouts of my ship safe."

"But I never told you it was at my house!" Dib cried. Tak's neutral expression became a more self-assured smirk while the Doctor and Gaz pinched their brows, both stunned at how easily the boy was lead.

"Anything else you'd like to share with the hostile alien, Dib?" Gaz asked disdainfully.

"She tricked me!" Dib said, pointing an accusing finger at Tak. The Irken stifled a giggle, shaking her head slightly.

"I'm sorry, that was cruel," Tak admitted, suppressing an unprofessional grin, "I've been keeping an eye on you two for quite some time. I already knew where you keep my ship, but I needed to be sure you hadn't moved it when you suspected my involvement somewhere."

She raised an eyebrow at Dib, still quite conversational. "I'm curious, Dib, just what _were_ you and your sister going to do with it if you couldn't get it working again?" Tak asked. "It'd be quite the paperweight, but I'm sure you'd find some use for the technology inside it. Planning to employ it against Zim?"

"Uhhh… I… I guess?" Dib blinked. The awkward pause that followed made them realise that Tak had successfully managed to get herself off-topic, so she cleared her throat to resume threatening them all.

"Erm… back on track." she coughed. "Quite frankly, I'm not interested in _any_ of you, _but_ as you've seen me here, I can't risk Zim knowing about this." the Irken told them.

"So, we're an obstacle?" the Doctor asked. Tak frowned, looking surprisingly apologetic.

"Sort of. You seem to object to me using the customers of this food chain, so I can't risk you interfering either. Nothing personal, children, Doctor. I'm just making sure there's going to be no screw-ups this time," she hesitated, then added, "But don't worry, no harm will come to any of you, I promise."

"Oh, well, that's a relief I'm sure," the Doctor replied, an edge creeping into his voice, "Sorry, but I have a hard time believing you'd just _let them go_ after you kill Zim. You said you had no plans in giving them to the Tallest as slaves now, so maybe you'll set yourself up for a comfortable life here on Earth. Queen of the human race?" Tak's expression soured, and the Doctor shook his head, compressing a sneer. "No? You're really that _unselfish?"_

"You're not _listening_ are you?" Tak growled. "I'm not going to _kill_ the little… I'm going to ruin his life by destroying his base with them and that's it, that's all I want. When I'm done, I free the controlled, report the failure and just _leave_. I'll fly off somewhere. I don't _want_ Earth, as much as I've learned about it."

"You sure?"

"Positive. And I'd thought that you were clever…" she sighed, rolling her eyes.

"Oh, so I'm _clever,_ " the Time Lord repeated, swinging back to face the children for a moment, making a pleased little expression, before facing Tak once more, "What makes you say that?" the Doctor asked. Tak frowned and put her hands on her hips.

"Come _on_. You try to make me spill my plan to you, tried to convince me there were other ways, and now you're going to tell me not to make you _mad_ , sound about right?"

"Normally," the Doctor conceded, "But I can see you're _trying_ to be reasonable here… I think… no, hold on…" he stopped, confused. A spark of purple energy shot across Tak's arched brow and a pair of the customers sat nearest to the Doctor stood up and grabbed a shoulder each.

"Enough," she said curtly, "You've already proved immune to my psychic manipulator, you and the children both, so I need to make sure you're under my control for now. I'll erase your mind later. As for _these_ two…"

Tak trailed off as made her way around the Doctor to face Dib and Gaz, who firmly held their ground. Two more customers rose to block the door as Tak closed in, their faces vacant like zombies. She cleared her throat and her expression lightened again. The Irken looked almost cordial, friendly even, but neither child was fooled, not even for a second.

"Now then, Dib, why don't you tell me what you did to my ship? That way, I'll be able to repair it properly and get Zim out of your hair for _good_ this time." she suggested, quite politely for a vicious alien. Before Dib could answer, Gaz none-too-gently bashed her brother aside, facing Tak once more.

Tak's face fell like a sinking stone much like the kid who'd fallen onto the floor. "Get out of my way, _little girl_." the Irken ordered, her previously civil tone gone. Gaz copied her stance, sneering again.

"Do you ever wonder how easy it was to beat you?" the girl asked. Tak stopped dead in her tracks, took another calming breath and stared the girl straight in the eyes.

"You're bright," she replied, voice cold and stiff, "Both you and your brother. I assumed you found a way. You were responsible for MIMI's actions then?"

"Yes, I am." Gaz said, pacing around Tak. "All I had to do was use Zim's base and his robot to hack it and do you know what? It was _easy._ You talk about how much better than he is, but Zim at his worst was tougher to beat than you _ever_ were."

The insult cut deep. Tak glowered at Gaz, slowly drawing herself up to her full height with a dangerous look in her eyes, arms pinned to her sides. Gaz wasn't intimidated in the slightest, smirking now that she had bested her opponent.

" _You evil little…_ " Tak began. From her rigid posture, it almost looked like she was going to take a swing at the girl, which was probably what Gaz was aiming for, waiting for Tak to throw the first punch.

Instead, to the surprise of Dib, the Doctor and probably Gaz herself, Tak took another deep breath and stepped back, relaxing. After a moment's confusion, Gaz snickered at the alien.

"What's wrong?" she asked. "Hit a little too close to home?"

"Don't you dare!" the Doctor called. Dib was trying to pry him loose from his captors, but the boy only succeeded in getting them to grab him instead. The Doctor staggered around, keeping a wary eye on the feuding pair as he tried to free Dib, the boy getting passed from zombie to zombie. "The pair of you, _please_ , don't lower yourselves to fighting!" he pleaded.

"Be quiet." Gaz ordered, taking a moment to glare at the Doctor before narrowing her eyes at Tak once again. She cracked her knuckles menacingly, but it still drew no reaction from the Irken, who glanced down at her own tightly curled fists, still held tightly by her sides. "Funny. I expected that to make you to go crazy." Gaz noted.

Tak hesitated for a second, then she smiled. "So did I, actually. Well done! You _almost_ had me beat at my own game!" she chuckled, smirking wryly all the while. "But _almost_ isn't enough." the alien sighed. Shaking her head, Tak calmly folded her arms and paced in a semicircle around the girl, the others eyeing her warily.

"I'm honestly impressed!" said Tak, conversational once more. "You're quick for somebody your age. But the thing is, while you're fast, I'm _faster._ For example, haven't you wondered why I'm just speaking with you as opposed to _doing_ something? Well, just by the fact that you three are here in the first place… oh, I'm sure you'll figure it out in a moment."

The Irken paused, looking at Gaz expectantly. While the Doctor and Dib struggled with their captors, Gaz's eyes darted to the zombie-like customers that held them, then to the others that remained motionless. It suddenly occurred to her what Tak was planning and backed away from the female alien. "You wouldn't! You couldn't!"

"Can and would too. Last time we met, you were immune to this gadget on my forehead weren't you?" Tak growled, all pretence of being calm gone. It looked like Gaz's remarks had some impact after all. "But now, because of your own idle _cruelty_ , you've made yourself vulnerable to it."

Mind racing, an uncharacteristic surge of desperation took over Gaz as Tak advanced, levelling an accusing finger at her. "You arrogant little _idiot,_ " spat Tak, "You just had to keep _talking_ , blinded by your need to _boast._ You brought this on _yourself."_

Gaz lashed out with a punch, but it was too late. Violet energy sparked across Tak's forehead and she casually side-stepped the blow. Gaz missed, bounced on one foot to regain her balance and then stood up, her eyes wide and blank.

Pacified.

Spurred on, Dib felt a burst of adrenaline race through him, shooting out of his captor's arms, past the Doctor and raced to his sister's side. Tak didn't stop him, letting him past.

"What did you do to her?!" he cried, taking Gaz by the shoulders, shaking her. His sister didn't respond, hypnotised once again. Tak rolled her eyes, sighing in exasperation.

"I shut her up. She was getting on my nerves." she said. Tak tutted at the pitiable expression on his face. "Oh, don't overreact, Dib. She's perfectly fine."

Dib looked pleadingly towards her. "Let her go!" he demanded. Tak folded her arms.

"And have her try to take another swing at me? I had to do something to keep her quiet," she retorted, "I somehow doubt you and your friend want to see us coming to blows. Besides, I thought that you might appreciate somebody shutting her up for once. You complained about it often enough."

The young paranormal enthusiast suddenly looked guilty. When Tak had been trying to take over the planet the first time, she'd pretended to be his friend, presumably to gather information on Zim and himself to use against them. But she'd also been a sympathetic ear to Dib's constant frustrations, of not being taken seriously, of how it seemed like even his family hated him. Complaining about Gaz had been the tip of the iceberg.

In a roundabout way, this was his fault just as much as it was his sister's, Dib realised.

Finally freed from the customer-zombies, the Doctor glared at Tak. "Oh, how _thoughtful_ of you," he said icily, an unexpected venom in his voice, "A highly trained alien soldier grants mercy to an eleven-year-old girl by draining her of her free will. I'm really _so_ grateful."

Tak didn't really pay attention to him, rolling her eyes once more. Scoffing, the Doctor shook his head. "Oh, what, are you going to ignore me too? Because you can't control me? Or because my opinion might _sting_?" he asked. "You're proving to be awfully thin-skinned. Maybe your vendetta with Zim is based on nothing at all."

Once again, Tak tensed up. "Dib?" she said simply, turning to the boy once more.

"… yes?" Dib gulped, realising what was coming.

"Go and join your sister, _please_." Tak hissed, eyes narrowed at the Doctor. A purple flash darted across her face and Dib's expression went slack with it.

"As you command." he droned monotonously, shoulders sagging. The Doctor realised his error too late and he watched as Dib took his place beside his sister, shoulder-to-shoulder, groaning softly.

Beside her two captives, Tak glared up at the tall Time Lord, whatever semblance of calm composure she had worn vanishing entirely. Now all he could see, was how _angry_ the little alien looked.

" _NEVER_ ," Tak spoke through gritted teeth, her voice wavering slightly, "Say something as stupid as that ever again. If I was as _petty_ as you seem to think I am, these two children would have been dead long before you arrived here, newcomer."

Cowed somewhat, the Doctor said nothing as he looked over both children, double-checking that they were in the same hypnotised state as they'd been back at the house. In the meantime, Tak had settled for glowering at the Time Lord instead of fuming at him.

"I already know you're not human, your little escapade with the psychic paper was proof enough. Where are you from? Your species? What are you doing here?!" she asked sharply, throwing questions at the Doctor.

"It doesn't matter." he replied quietly, satisfied that the siblings were otherwise unharmed by their trance. Tak sneered and shook her head.

"I think it does, Doctor. Now answer me." she demanded.

"Or what?"

Tak blinked in surprise, unsure how to respond. After that, she thought he would have learned his lesson. "I'm sorry?" she asked.

"You can't make me do anything. I'm not under your control." the Doctor pointed out.

"I control the children." Tak replied, resuming her poker-face.

"But you won't hurt them, not yet. You still don't know how I'll react and you like to know all the variables, don't you?" the Doctor asked tersely. His face then softened and he lowered his voice. "Now, Tak, why don't you tell me what's wrong?"

Tak blinked again and this time it was out of plain confusion."I… don't understand what you mean." the Irken frowned.

"Back there, you mentioned you'd lost something." he said, referring to the flash of pity he'd felt. "I can help you. What did you lose?"

Tak was really caught off guard by this question, and stammered for an answer. "I… I lost what was mine by right. My chance to become-"

"An Invader? No, not that. Something else." the Doctor interrupted, locking his gaze with Tak's. As he had done before, he slowly approached, hoping to address Tak on equal footing as he had done with Gaz earlier on. Hopefully this encounter would go better. "Something from before, something lost. Zim's the majority of the crusade, but not the whole thing. What's wrong…?"

"What're you-?"

""What its like to lose the little you have"," he quoted, "You mentioned something else, like you'd lost something before. Because you aren't just doing all this for kicks, the look in your eyes, it's not greed or glee. It's conviction… you honestly believe it's the right thing to do."

The little Irken looked suspicious, but didn't speak. She seemed unsteady and unsure now, a sharp contrast to both the calm and collected demeanour _and_ raging anger she'd let slip.

"I haven't lost anything else." she affirmed, stiffly and a little too quickly. If she had a facade to crack, the Doctor had to concede that perhaps now wasn't the best time for him to try, Hypnotised children and pizza-zombies tended to change one's priorities.

"You have. You can tell me when you're ready." he muttered, before springing up to full height once more. "So! Change of subject! What're you going to do to me? Kill me? And what about them, for that matter?" he added, pointing at the hypnotised siblings.

That seemed to jerk Tak back into life. She shook her head, clearing her thoughts. "I've never seen the point in killing anyone, not really." the Irken admitted. "While I admit that I'm angry at them for preventing my victory the first time, I don't blame them. They were acting in self-defence, kind of."

An… interesting opinion for an Invader, especially one that seemed as vindictive as Tak. The Doctor filed that fact away as well. "That's very enlightened, for someone who wants to wipe out a species." he noted.

Tak glared at him, but her expression softened a little as she looked over at the hypnotised siblings once again. "The children… I won't lie, they shouldn't have had to deal with that little nightmare for so long. If I can, I'll make them forget they ever saw either of us. I'll see if I can't rescue the two from that path of self-destruction Zim has started them on."

""Rescue"? Unexpectedly kind." the Doctor noted again. "Selfless even! I wouldn't expect an Invader to do that, Tak!"

Tak sneered. "I may want to be an Invader, but I'm not a _sadist._ I know what a life chasing Zim can do to you, after all." said the female Irken. "As for you, I was just going to wipe your mind and leave you tied up somewhere until this whole ordeal was over." she said, nodding thoughtfully.

The Doctor raised an eyebrow. That implied she had changed her mind, which could go either way. "But…?" he asked carefully. Tak glanced at him, considering something.

"Doctor, you… you _empathised_ with me. You _know_ about loss and pain, just like I do. If there was anything… _anything_ I could make you forget in exchange for turning a blind eye, anything you wanted… I'd be happy to-" the Irken started.

But unbeknownst to her, in trying to persuade him to cooperate, Tak had crossed a line she _really_ shouldn't have. The transformation that took over the Doctor was terrifyingly quick; gone was his affability and his curiosity. Even the compassion and the sadness that had occupied his gaze vanished without a trace. It was almost as if he had become a different person entirely.

"Don't you _dare_." he hissed, voice dangerously low. Though he never moved from his spot nearby, he still towered over Tak, his eyes blazing like wildfire. "You want to talk about loss and pain when you're being selfish, that's fine, I'll indulge you. But don't you _dare_ think that gives you the right to take anything away from me or anybody else to get your way."

Tak shrunk back, surprised. A few moments ago, she was fairly certain she'd had this talkative fool sussed out, everything was under her control, bar a few slip ups… then… everything had changed in an instant. Hadn't _she_ been the one that was angry?

All too suddenly, their roles were switched and it was Tak's turn to be the one who was confused, shocked… perhaps even _intimidated_ by this man. How the hell did that happen? "I'm… I'm sorry." she blinked, genuinely contrite.

The Doctor said nothing, but he mentally chided himself. He had to be better than that, he decided. Shouting and yelling at a person didn't particularly help in convincing them to stop, after all. With a bitter taste on his tongue, the Doctor backed down, stepping away from the Irken.

"You're not the first… I doubt you'll be the last." he muttered. "So, back on topic. Brainwashing people through a pizza chain. Something in the food, right?"

Once more, the sudden change of pace had offset Tak again. She stared at the Doctor, puzzled by the taller alien's behaviour, still trying to decide what to make of him.

Taking her time, she chose her next words carefully. "You… could say that… but one could rely on any number of potential vectors." she answered, trying to keep her voice and body language neutral. She moved casually to stand between the hypnotised children, but even then, her pace betrayed her. Warily keeping the Doctor within her sight at all times, he had caught her off balance and now she almost seemed to be trying too hard.

Perhaps his outburst had been planned, she decided. He seemed to be unarmed, otherwise he would have threatened her with a weapon by now, surely? He was surrounded by the customer zombies on all sides, she had the children to bargain with if he had something up his sleeve… so why was she giving him the time of day?

The Doctor grimaced. "Nah, it's food. Easiest to do, simple and straight forwards. Pragmatic, that's what it is." he decided. "You seem like a sensible woman, so I'd imagine you don't want to faff around with blood control or brainwashing. Question is, is it drugs or something more… technical?"

He gestured behind her with an arm, but Tak kept her eyes fixed on him. "See, you built that teleport booth in the cupboard, you built the infrasound generators and your ship, so I'd guess mechanics is your strong suit." the Doctor reasoned. "Because, while we're on the subject, this is not your base. That's why you need the teleporter, you can't make your base here, it's too small, you'd hit sewer lines if you went down or sideways. You just ferry the "secret ingredient" here, slip it into the food and there you go."

Tak said nothing, though she spared a glance at Dib and Gaz at either side of her. The Doctor smiled disarmingly, a sharp contrast to a moment ago. "I'm right, aren't I?" he asked.

The Irken wasn't listening, mind ticking over as she tried to find some way to manoeuvrer around the Doctor once more. Treading carefully was paramount; she wasn't going anywhere near his mind now. Perhaps it was because he'd snapped at her like that or because they shared some great loss, she couldn't quite say. Perhaps both.

But Tak couldn't just let him _leave._ The Doctor had just proven that he was too clever, too _dangerous_ to be allowed to interfere. His words came back to haunt her.

" _I like to interfere. It's what I do."_

Well, he was certainly interfering. Tak had to act before he carried this too far, but before she could so much as think about opening her mouth, the Doctor exclaimed, loud enough to make her jump.

"Oh!" the Doctor exclaimed. "When I was dropping Zim off, that's it, I just missed your signal! You're running an Irken OS alright, but you're not using Irken _technology_! That explains the glitches in the hypnotism programming and the power surges here!"

"Doctor-" began Tak as the customers began to close in on him, courtesy of an unconscious command from Tak's psychic manipulator. He wasn't listening in any case, waffling on.

"Even so, you've done a good job! An Irken OS on foreign tech is difficult, you'd need to do all sorts of rewiring to get it running. You must've been top of your class when it came to engineering and such," the Doctor said, now beginning to amble from side to side as the throng of brainwashed people surrounded him, "I know we've had our differences, but good or bad, I do love a clever-clogs. Try to remember that, Tak."

" _Doctor_ -" Tak started again, biting her tongue before she could ask which one he considered her. That intrusive little thought annoyed her. Why should she care about what-

"VORTIAN!" the Doctor cried triumphantly. "You're using Vortian technology!"

The customers stopped dead and Tak's eyes went wide. "How… how the hell did you figure that one out?!" she gasped, sounding both shocked and begrudgingly impressed.

"Like you said, I'm clever!" replied the Time Lord. He waved his hand dismissively. "With Vort conquered not too long ago, the Irken Empire is practically flooded with useful technology from guns to toasters. But the thing about Vortian equipment is that their stealth capabilities are _extraordinary_. Anyone worth their salt wanting to avoid detection would know where to look."

He held up his hand and began to count off his clues, one by one. "So, taking into account that the programming is Irken, but the technology is Vortian, it narrows down the possible edible vectors," the Doctor announced, "Not to mention the whole "Triple Anchovies Contest" sorta-initials thing, that's pre-hypnotic suggestion that's about as _subtle_ as a brick. "This is the name of your commander, please stay tuned for instructions"."

Nodding thoughtfully, there was a lull in the Doctor's ranting, so Tak raised her voice back to the stern, authoritative tone she'd entered the restaurant with. "Alright, _enough._ Look, Doctor," Tak said firmly, gesturing for the hypnotised customers to seize him, "I promise I won't touch your mind, but I _can't_ let you go. After Zim's dealt with, then I promise, I _promise_ that you and these people will be let go, unscathed."

Even as the customers began to reach for him, the Doctor simply danced around them. He looped behind them, towards them, feinting right and left, but never once made for the door. He almost made it look easy, the grin on his face showing that all the extra adrenaline was doing was helping him to come to a conclusion faster and Tak just knew he didn't intend to stop.

He rolled to a stop right in front of Tak again, the zombified customers slowly turning in circles behind him, dizzied. They might have been hypnotised, but they still had their sense of equilibrium. The Doctor didn't seem to share their pain, nor their lethargy, continuing where he left off. "Now, you're clever enough to do what should be technologically _impossible_ with the equipment you have. Factor in the mindset I've observed thus far, factor in tools at your disposal… activated by a specific audio trigger… hold on, wait a second-"

Without warning, the Doctor leapt forwards, snapping his fingers before he pointed accusingly at Tak. She stepped back a pace or two, drawing her hands up to defend herself, but the Doctor had stopped just shy of her, having displaced her from between Dib and Gaz. What he said next didn't calm her down in any case.

" _OH!_ OH, _**YES**_ _!_ Nanotechnology! You're using nanites!" he whooped. "Plain and simple little nanites! The music activates the nanites and causes deliberate memory blackouts as you make them susceptible to your control. But thanks to the differences between Irken and Vortian technology, if that feed gets _interrupted_ , they almost go into a coma like Gaz did back home, even when the signal is completed! The broken speaker here, oh, that's what froze the restaurant before!"

Tak lowered her guard and motioned for the customers to stop, seeing as their attempts to grab the Doctor was a futile effort anyway. With the doors locked and barred by Bloaty's patrons, she'd have to do it herself… if he'd only shut up. That in mind, she moved to counter that fact. "I understand the _principle_ behind nanites, Doctor. After all, you're accusing me of using them, so why are you telling _me_ this?"

This time, it was the Doctor who looked confused. He shrugged. "I dunno, force of habit, I suppose. I usually have somebody to talk to at this point. You've just got one of those faces." the Doctor guessed. "Anyway, the music in the commercials isn't the instructions on what to do… its the _refuelling_ _trigger_ , activating the nanites as a test. "Come to Bloaty's, get a fresh serving of nanites." it says." That way, your "customers" never run out of their little mechanical house-guests."

The Doctor crossed the room, pointing at an abandoned pizza. "So, when the customers take a big, greasy bite of pizza, the nanites lie in wait, then they spread through the body, _just_ small enough to get through all the little nooks and crannies, where they latch onto the nerves and muscles. A little autonomous nerve signal reversal in the gut, you can influence the brain and that means you get…"

Tak's incredulous stare met his triumphant one halfway. "…mind control. There's no _way_ you figured it out so fast! You even know what _kind_ of control protocol I used." she gasped, pointing an accusing finger at him. "Even _I_ couldn't have figured it out so fast and it's my bloody plan! What the _hell_ are you?!"

Doctor grinned mischievously as he took out his sonic screwdriver. "I'm the clever one!" he repeated. A little of his humour faded when he cast eyes on Dib and Gaz again, making him realise that he should _maybe_ think about getting them out sometime soon. He shot an apologetic glance in their direction, hoping that either child could see he was sorry.

"Right, enough of that. I got carried away." he decided, looking back to Tak. "With the advertisement being just a refuelling trigger, the nanites _need_ another component to issue the instructions; a controller, somebody to coordinate their actions. I'd imagine it's your computer, but as demonstrated, your mind device has the ability to transmit and receive signals to the nanites to overwhelm more intelligent individuals like Dib and Gaz there."

The Doctor straightened up, now addressing everybody in the restaurant; Tak, the children and the hypnotised customers, all in one. " _But,_ when you psychically control someone, having both sound and psychic inputs on the same robots is a bit hazardous. After all, a system based upon a rhythm of sounds? I mean, what happens when you're hooked into it, say, to control two children. Like I dunno, the pair who'd just befriended a man with a sonic screwdriver?"

Tak glared at him, but it wasn't as fierce as it was before. Fear. Anticipation. She'd realised what he was going to do and couldn't bring herself to stop him quickly enough, paralysed by her own thoughts.

"And with a sensitive control system like that, the last thing you want is some _bad vibrations_!"

With a sweeping motion, the Doctor held his sonic screwdriver aloft and activated it, the warbling screech reverberating through the once-broken speakers, now repaired by the alien technology. Accompanying the shriek, the Bloaty's theme roared out, far, far louder than it had been earlier. The sonic feedback was translated to psychic through the individuals infected by nanites and began to overwhelm Tak's psychic device with sheer brute force.

The device sparked and smoked as it fed the signals back through to _her_ as well, bringing the Irken to her knees, the cacophony translated into mental energies and forced into her mind, senseless, meaningless noise and all the pain that came with it. Tak slumped down and her hologram shimmered into place as she fell, clutching her head. "What're you doing?! I-" she began, gritting her teeth in pain.

Tak was cut short as Gaz barged past her, stopping only to shove her immobilized body to the ground. The children, being smarter than the other patrons under Tak's sway, had recovered far quicker than their peers. Gaz had seen her opportunity and she took it, but neither she nor her brother were foolish enough to hang around. If Tak recovered, there was no telling what she might do.

The Doctor shared this sentiment. He began pushing through the crowd, towards the door. Dazed, they parted easily, allowing the siblings to follow behind him with little difficulty. "C'mon, time we were going!" he called. "I overloaded the audio receptors in the nanites! Fried her head-thingy!"

"Nanites?!" Dib echoed. It wasn't clear how much he or his sister had picked up while hypnotised. He clutched at his stomach as he ran. "In me?! In us?!"

The Doctor didn't reply, raising his sonic screwdriver again. It buzzed and he slammed his whole body into the doors to open them, practically leaping out of the restaurant and towards freedom. He caught the edge of the door by the frame, holding it open until Dib and Gaz followed him out.

With one last look at the Irken who was disguised as a human girl squirming on the floor in pain, the Doctor and the children wasted no time before they turned and vanished into the night.

* * *

As the Bloaty's Pizza Hog patrons began to recover, so did the person who had entranced them in the first place. Tak, jaw clamped shut, staggered to her feet and wrenched off the device on her forehead. Her hologram ripped as it allowed the psychic manipulator passage, Tak cradling the device in her hands as she frantically checked it for damage.

"No, no!" she whimpered, in a panic. A superficial inspection revealed nothing, but even though it looked undamaged, the sensor cup that had held onto her brow was smoking ominously, incredibly warm to the touch. She would have to examine it closely later on.

Looking up to where the Time Lord had stood moments before, the Irken grit her teeth together and growled angrily. They couldn't be allowed to escape. They could warn Zim, ruin everything… even if they didn't, they would still fight against her, just as they had before.

One thing was for certain, though. The Doctor was _not_ going to get away with this.

"MIMI!" Tak roared. From the rooftop, there was a hiss of mechanics and a black cat swooped down from a panel in the ceiling, leaving a smoky trail in its wake. This was no mere cat. The creature was actually Tak's SIR unit, modified by the Irken herself, just as dangerous as her mistress, if not moreso.

MIMI landed gracefully, impassively looking up at her leader, awaiting orders. They came as Tak raised one arm towards the speakers that still shrieked the Bloaty's theme. With a flurry of movement, they were scrap and MIMI took her place in front of Tak once again. She didn't have to wait long for Tak to give her another task.

"Find that guy and bring him back home! I don't care _how_ you get him there, just do it!" she commanded. The disguised Irken placed the device back on her head, ignoring the uncomfortably warm sensors in the cup and her hologram shimmered once again, this time to hide the device.

Taking a moment to compose herself, Tak scowled at the sprawling restaurant that was now teeming with revived customers, then down to MIMI. The SIR tilted her head questioningly. What would Tak be doing as MIMI completed her task?

Disguised as a human, Tak narrowed her eyes. "I'm going to get my ship back." she said, grimly.


	7. Chapter 7

In Irken society, it was an unspoken rule that you didn't go to Judgementia if you valued your life.

On paper, the idea was absurd. While most of the Irken race were self-absorbed, war-hungry lunatics, they weren't _stupid._ Judgementia, like other colonies, was designedto be safe from the very beginning. A strict terraforming policy had exterminated the original biosphere and the atmosphere was now regulated by gigantic machines. Wherever nature tried to hinder, Irken science had tamed it.

The result was that Judgementia and every other Irken planet was transformed into an urban paradise, ripe for colonisation. The trend continued when the settlers arrived. Each street was well-kept and every building within the planet-spanning city housed enough technology to make their inhabitants lives comfortable. It was a perfect, if sterile, example of civilisation.

But beneath the surface, it was a different story. Hidden by its monolithic buildings and banks of supercomputers, the dark heart of the Irken Empire beat in full force. Judgementia was deep inside Irken territory and though it was only a single facility on a single world, its power spread like a spider's web across the Irken race.

Like many of the worlds conquered, settled or otherwise controlled by the Irkens, Judgementia served a single purpose within the Empire. The planet and everything on it, be they person or machine, served as the central nervous system for law enforcement across the entire Irken Empire. It was their tireless work that ensured that the Control Brains could police their civilisation without restraint and without mercy.

The all-consuming, single-minded dedication that it took to uphold the Collective of the Control Brain's will was colossal. Many of the Irken worlds housed only a single Control Brain, but Judgementia had been home to three. From their seat of power, it had been their responsibility to coordinate and orchestrate judiciary movements and crack down on insubordination.

It was this dedication that had made Judgementia so feared throughout the cosmos. Given that any Irken could access rules and laws with a thought, thanks to their PAKs, it was simply a matter of common sense to obey them and avoid Judgementia. Constant propaganda and manipulation from the Control Brains ensured that loyalty was bred into the majority of the Irken race... and fear of retribution into the others.

As a result of this stigma, the planet rarely received visitors. Asides from those who worked there, the streets and skies were empty. The solar system it occupied seemed completely devoid of life, save for the speck of poisonous brilliance that was that terrible world.

Had events across the universe not progressed as they had, Judgementia would have remained that way for a very, very long time.

* * *

Looming in orbit over Judgementia, the Massive and the Irken Armada cast a great shadow across the planet below, watching in silence as a single shuttle zipped away from the battleship. It was an sorry little craft, unassuming and sorely in need of maintenance; its once-yellow hull was pock-marked with dents from micro-collisions, leaving only a few patches of paint that had yet to be scoured away.

Next to the glimmering red dreadnought and the shining splendour below it, it made for a sad sight and it certainly didn't look as if it was transporting two of the most important beings in the entire cosmos.

Inside the shuttle, Almighty Tallest Purple picked at the fraying sponge that made up his seat cushion, his head on the dashboard. His eyes slid to the windows and he groaned when he realised that they were still in flight.

"I can't believe that you won't teleport anywhere. It's so much quicker." he complained. "Just because you're _afraid_ of them doesn't mean that they're dangerous."

Sitting in the pilot's seat, Almighty Tallest Red glared at his twin. "Well, _I_ can't believe that _you_ complain about it every time we make a trip like this!" he retorted, petulantly. "And I'm _not_ afraid of them, I just don't _like_ them. They're an accident waiting to happen."

"Just like the autopilot?" Purple asked. Red didn't take his hands from the ship's controls.

"Shut up. If I have to deal with the Control Brains today, there's no way I'm going to deal with _another_ stupid computer like them. Stop complaining, we're almost there."

""Almost"? I thought you said that piloting the shuttle yourself was meant to be quick?" Purple smirked.

If he was looking to get some reaction out of his fellow ruler, he was ignored. With an annoyed huff, Purple turned his gaze out of the cockpit windows again. He made a face as the dim, electronic lights of Judgementia flooded the shuttle and his frown only deepened when he spotted their destination.

Like an oversized barb sticking out of the skyline, the dark, oily structure of the Spike of Judgement rose from the city. Ugly and unconventional, its design stood in stark contrast to the muted reds and purples of ordinary Irken architecture with the added benefit of size causing it to command attention from all those around it.

Much like the Control Brains, the Spike was ancient and shrouded in superstition. Nobody knew where it came from, but it invoked the same fear and obedience that the Control Brains did. Merely the sight of it towering over the other buildings was enough to cause even the most hardened criminal to fall silent. If Judgementia was to be feared, then this was the planet's sting.

Even the Tallest were not immune. As the shuttle fell under the shadow of the tower, neither of them could help a primal chill riding up and down their spines, pins and needles tingling around their PAK's control pods. It was an eerie sensation, almost as if the Spike itself was watching them, a relic from a time that was long since forgotten.

Raising his head from its resting place, Purple pressed his face against the space-glass, cringing at the ominous building that they approached. "I hate this place." he mumbled.

" _Everybody_ hates this place," Red replied dryly, "Besides, I doubt that our previous visit did the place any good. It probably hates us too."

With the towering presence of the Spike of Judgement keeping a stern watch over the tiny shuttle's approach, Purple had to stop himself from taking the other Tallest's words too literally. Instead, he tried to focus on Red smoothly steering the shuttle into a landing zone as the other Tallest set them down with a satisfied smirk. Almighty Tallest Red glanced at his co-pilot.

"And you scoffed at a shuttle. See? It's just as quick and much, much safer." he declared. Almighty Tallest Purple looked unconvinced, muttering under his breath.

"Yeah, five minutes, instantaneoustravel, they're pretty much the same thing." he grumbled sarcastically. He prised himself from the window and sighed heavily. "I didn't see anybody on the way in. Do you think we scared them off after the last time? Maybe there's nobody working here now that the local Control Brains have gone."

Red grunted. "Does it matter? We're here to speak to the Control Brains, not the janitors. Besides, they had this place up and running again within a week of that disaster. All we have to do is speak to whoever the Collective assigned to the task." he said. "So, hurry up! The more time we spend hanging around, the less likely the Control Brains will take this seriously."

The Tallest didn't wait for a welcoming committee. Without so much as acknowledging the puzzled workers at the landing pad, the Almighty Tallest made for the elevator that would take them to the central chambers.

It was a quiet, lonely trip. Much like the rest of the planet thus far, the corridors and hallways were sparsely populated by machines and occasionally a frightened member of staff. The latter gave the Almighty Tallest a wide berth. While they were all but gods to some of their loyal subjects and vengeful gods at that, simple reverence wasn't the reason that the Tallest were avoided.

The last time that the twin emperors had been on Judgementia, the population wasn't so skittish. While Judgementia was still feared throughout the cosmos, those that lived on it lead fairly normal lives.

But the last time that the Almighty Tallest had been on Judgementia, they'd brought Zim along with them. The Irken rulers had taken him there to stand trial at an Existence Evaluation, which was a military court-martial reserved for traitors and the grossly incompetent. Zim more than qualified for the latter and Judgementia was just the latest in a long line of attempts by Red and Purple to be rid of him once and for all.

Unfortunately for the Tallest, the Control Brains and the Irken Empire as a whole, the trial was doomed to fail. Just like the attempts to exile him to Foodcourtia and to Earth, just like the attempts to kill him with the training course on Hobo 13 and that one incident with the chainsaw, Zim pulled through unscathed.

It had been going so well at first. Every piece of evidence, even the ones presented in his defence, cemented Zim as a dangerous, reckless lunatic. Weapons destroyed, plans thwarted, even the predecessors of Red and Purple, Tallest Miyuki and Tallest Spork, had met their ends as a result of Zim's buffoonery. Though nobody could fault his loyalty, he was too insane and stupid to be left alone. Or under supervision. Or allowed to exist in any general sense.

Once the trial was over, the Control Brains stationed on Judgementia moved to sentence Zim; his PAK would be removed and destroyed. Without the equipment within it, Zim would die and he would die quickly. Neither Red nor Purple had ever been happier than they had at that moment.

It was only then that the Almighty Tallest's plans backfired.

Underestimating the extent of Zim's insanity, the trio of Control Brains connected to Zim's PAK and began to delete its contents. But upon coming into contact with Zim's... unique mind, the logical supercomputers were overwhelmed by the sheer volume of corrupted data and were driven completely mad.

It was this corruption that caused the three Brains to look at Zim in a new light. After they were as mad as he was, they viewed Zim as the greatest Invader of all time and could find no faults in his actions whatsoever. Once they'd reached their decision, the corrupted Control Brains acquitted him of all charges and set him free, even rewarding him with a moment's control of the Massive.

When it was over, Zim left, none the wiser to the attempt to destroy him, but the damage he'd caused was irreparable. Almost as soon as he had left the solar system, the Judgementian Brains were destroyed by their self-quarantine systems, preventing any contamination of the Collective. Zim's personality was so contagious, it had eroded the firewalls protecting the other Control Brains and was ready to spread, had the automated self-destruct systems not annihilated the infected Brains first.

Once the danger had passed, the Collective reviewed their policy on Zim. Openly hostile actions, like a firing squad, had been ruled out long ago. That would only provoke him into defending himself and if he could do so much damage _unwittingly,_ any attempts he might make to _actively_ go against the norm and turn traitor could be disastrous.

It was agreed that the safest option for the Control Brains was to go out of their way to avoid Zim entirely, until his natural lifespan had run its course. Contact was only to be maintained by the Almighty Tallest, a precautionary measure to keep Zim pacified and that was all. There would be no attempts to bring him to Irken space to ruin things further. No more attempts to end the former Invader's life.

That was the way it had to stay.

Nothing short of open betrayal, or some unmitigated disaster, could convince them otherwise.

* * *

The disastrous Existence Evaluation may have ended the Judgementian Brains, but the position that Judgementia occupied within the Irken Empire was too important to be left unmanned.

Unfortunately for the Collective, simply replacing the destroyed Brains was out of the question. The aggressive quarantine protocols that prevented contamination had not only destroyed the Control Brains on the planet, but utterly annihilated them. Not even ash had been left behind and there was no data to recycle and repurpose for the Brains' successors.

Creating a new Brain from scratch was also out of the question; the Judgementian Brains had required specialised calibrations to ensure that they were functioning correctly, time that the Control Brains did not have to waste. To maintain their grip on the Irken Empire, Judgementia needed a functioning Control Brain or the equivalent of one and they needed it fast.

As building a replacement Brain would take too long and moving another to the planet was incredibly difficult, the hive-mind of the Control Brains sought another solution. If the Collective sustained a remote connection to the planet and each one donated a tiny portion of their processing power, they could form a virtual Control Brain to run Judgementia for them.

The plan was a success. Within the week, the mechanical portions of the planet ran flawlessly once more, even if its organic half had lost their peace of mind. They were expendable. Judgementia and its processing power were not.

Coordinating their efforts, the most powerful and adaptable of the entire Collective, the Central Control Brain, took direct control of the project. Though it was still nestled in an impenetrable fortress on Irk, its presence was felt just as keenly on Judgementia, occupying the various courtrooms and trial chambers via gigantic screens.

The biggest of these was in the primary trial chamber of the Spike, where the original jurors of Judgementia met their end. There, each of the huge screens linked with its fellows, dwarfing the Brains that had occupied the space before. The sight dominated the room, a statement of the Central Control Brain's power over all those who stood before it, despite the Brain being stationed countless light-years away.

It was those screens that now filled the Almighty Tallest's vision. The image of the bloated, speckled carapace of the Central Irk Brain thrummed with power, its PAK-like shell hiding the delicate, lobed cortex that gave the Control Brains their name. It made no move to welcome the Tallest, but much like the Spike of Judgement, it seemed to be looking at them. Each crimson-coloured roundel stared out at the Tallest like the eyes of some strange insect, peering ahead, yet somehow fixated on the two Irken Emperors all at the same time.

After a moment's pause, Red was the first one to hover into the room. He straightened his back and made himself look important. Purple followed in his wake, craning his head around his twin, towards the screen and cruised to a stop.

"Uh, was the desk always there?" Purple whispered. Red blinked and followed his line of sight. Masked by the sheer size of the screen and the light pouring from it was a tiny desk, staffed by a clerk who was diligently shuffling paperwork to and fro.

Exchanging confused glances, the Almighty Tallest sidled up to the desk. Neither the Central Control Brain or the clerk noticed the pair. They'd expected the silence from the Control Brain, but being ignored by the little Irken at the desk was a surprise.

Purple cleared his throat. The clerk didn't even look up from his work, leaning forwards to read something of interest on a distant sheet of paper, then back to the ones in his hand. Purple tried again, but received the same result.

Red growled impatiently. "Excuse me?" he grunted, drumming his fingers on the desk.

Now that he was actually being addressed, the little Irken clerk looked up at the pair of them. "Do you have an appointment?" he droned.

Red blinked incredulously, glancing at his brother, then back to the desk clerk. "You're asking if the _Almighty_ _Tallest_ _of the Irken Empire_ … have an appointment?" he asked, the sarcasm dripping from his voice. The Irken nodded at his leaders, nonplussed.

"Everyone needs an appointment." he blinked, quietly going back to his paperwork.

Red sighed, irritated by the clerk. "Yes, yes we have an appointment." he lied, annoyed by the little pest.

Looking through his papers, the Irken desk-jockey frowned. "Well, I don't see any appointments under A. Tallest..." he hummed, peeking between two pages.

It was probably for the best that the Central Control Brain decided to speak before Red could reach over the desk and strangle the clerk. **"ALMIGHTY TALLEST. YOUR PRESENCE HERE WAS UNEXPECTED. STATE YOUR INTENT."** it rumbled, its deep, booming voice echoing in the otherwise empty trial chamber.

Waiting for the echo to die down, Almighty Tallest Red cleared his throat. "Control Brain, we have evidence that Zim has-"

The coloured segments of the Control Brain pulsed with energy. **"INVADER ZIM IS IN EXILE. HE IS ONLY TO BE ACKNOWLEDGED AS A PRECAUTIONARY MEASURE."** it boomed. **"THE PASSIFICATION PROTOCOLS EXIST FOR THIS PURPOSE."**

Red hadn't expected to be interrupted. "Yes, we know, but-" he faltered. Purple rolled his eyes and took over from his floundering brother.

"Control Brain, we _have_ evidence that Zim has betrayed the Irken Empire!" he announced grandly, pausing for effect. "When we contacted him during Pacification Protocol D, we obtained footage that shows he was sabotaging his own equipment with help from the planet's natives!"

The Central Irk Brain said nothing, but a thin cable whipped out from the wall and attached itself to the PAK of the Tallest, lifting him into the air. With a dull click, data was drawn from Purple's memory and projected onto a holographic screen that hovered in the centre of the room. Red and Purple exchanged smug glances as the footage began to play.

Red motioned towards the screen. "When we called, it looked like we'd just caught him in the middle of destroying his space station. Normally, we'd just chalk that up to him being him, but just before we lost the transmission, we saw _this._ "

The Tallest pointed to a strange, pale-skinned creature that had emerged from the blue box that Zim was standing in. It noticed the Almighty Tallest's transmission and fixed them with an intimidating, unblinking glare.

"There! One of the planet's hideous natives, a human. For something on an exploding station, it looks real calm, doesn't it?" Purple asked. "We tried confronting it, but we got no response and _then_ it went out of its way to try to save Zim!"

Purple's words had some truth to them. The three watched as the human finished staring at the Tallest and looked down instead at the panicking Zim. It then frowned and pulled him inside the box with it. After a moment, the blue wooden box began to fade away with a strange, ethereal groaning sound before the station finally died.

The footage cut to static and the Almighty Tallest looked hopefully up at the Control Brain. "We think that the box is some sort of escape pod, but it disappears before the station is destroyed," Red told the Central Control Brain, "Our technicians aboard the Massive confirmed the station's annihilation before we came to bring this to your attention."

The Brain didn't respond. It replayed the footage once more. Then a third time, studying the footage in silence. Then it replayed it again. And again.

Finally, the cables that held the Tallest aloft retracted, dumping Purple ungraciously on top of his brother. They snaked forwards, plugged into the PAK of Almighty Tallest Red and extracted the same clip from his perspective. Once more, the Brain studied the video, even overlaying it with the data it had taken from Purple.

With a fizzle, the holographic display vanished and the room was silent. The cables returned to their housing under the huge screen as the Central Control Brain shared the information with the rest of the Collective. Then, with a voice that shook the whole room, the Control Brain spoke.

" **THIS DATA IS... UNDER OUR NOTICE,"** the Central Irk Brain decided, rumbling in its deep baritone, **"THERE IS NOTHING TO SUGGEST THAT THE CREATURE WAS NOT UNDER ZIM'S CONTROL. NO ACTION WILL BE TAKEN."**

"What?!" both Tallest exclaimed as one. Red pushed his fellow Tallest from him and hovered up to the desk.

"You can't just ignore this, Control Brain! It's obvious that Zim is... taking steps to... betray our species and-"

" **INVADER ZIM'S BEHAVIOUR IS CONSISTENTLY ERRATIC."** the Control Brain replied, dismissing his claim. **"MISINTERPRETATION OF HIS INTENTIONS IS AS DANGEROUS AS BELIEVING THAT THEY ARE MALICIOUS. ALL PRIOR EVIDENCE SUGGESTS THAT, WHILE INEPT AND DANGEROUS, ZIM IS A LOYAL SUBJECT OF THE IRKEN EMPIRE."**

"Loyal, yes," agreed Purple, "But he's more of a threat to us than our conventional enemies!"

" **THEN IT IS YOUR DUTY TO KEEP HIM PASSIFIED. THE COLLECTIVE OF THE CONTROL BRAINS HAS DESIGNATED ZIM AS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION."**

Red and Purple shot each other thunderous looks. The Control Brain wasn't even willing to consider that Zim might have betrayed them, no matter how they spun it. The Tallest thought that both appearing in person and the footage of the human trying to rescue Zim might've tipped the scales in their favour at least.

Being ignored like that stung, but the fact that Zim had evaded yet another attempt to get rid of him, _without even doing anything this time_ , annoyed the pair even more. Red drifted away from the desk and the screen, inhaling sharply. "Somehow, I just _knew_ this would be a waste of _time_." he hissed under his breath.

"No, you didn't! You suggested this in the first place!" Purple said, correcting his fellow Tallest.

"Yeah, but I said that too!" protested Red. "I knew it would go wrong, nothing is ever simple when it involves Zim! Why didn't you stop me?!"

"Zim-schmim! This entire thing is _your_ fault!" his fellow said accusingly. "We could have just called the Brains! If it wasn't for _your_ stupid idea, we could've gone straight home! I haven't seen Irk in months!"

"Oh yeah, like you care about home," Red snorted, "All you care about is your stuff, which happens to be on Irk."

Purple opened his mouth to retort, but he realised that the argument was getting out of hand. Squabbling in front of the Control Brain only made the pair look foolish and to the Brains, that was one step away from being ineffective.

Ineffective leaders got replaced. Normally, at great detriment to the former ruler.

Instead of taking another shot at his brother, Purple sucked in a breath, then turned to the huge image of the Brain on the monitors and nodded stiffly. "Okay, so, um... thanks for setting us straight! Great seeing you again! We're just gonna go back to conquering the universe now, okay?" he told it.

Red finally cottoned on and chipped in. "Ah, yes, the universe! Y'know, we're making great progress against the Draconians!" he said, confidently waving his arm across the chambers, to the door. "Well, victory waits for nobody, so we'll hit the old cosmic trail now and see you in... ooh, the next time we're called in."

False grins affixed to their faces, the pair beat a hasty retreat. The Control Brain made no move to stop the Almighty Tallest, at least, not until they had reached the door to the trial chambers. " **HALT.** " it rumbled.

The Almighty Tallest stopped moving instantly. Complain though they might, disobeying a direct order from a Control Brain, much less the Central Control Brain... wasn't a wise move. Many of their deceased predecessors could attest to that.

Making a face, Red muttered a few choice insults under his breath before he spun back towards the screens. "Yes?" he asked through gritted teeth.

" **YOU BELIEVE THAT YOUR JOURNEY HERE HAS BEEN A WASTED VENTURE?** " the Control Brain asked. Red hesitated. Was it trying to bait them into something?

"Not... as such, no, we were just misguided. You have corrected us. Thank you." he replied rigidly.

" **YOU ACTED IN OUR INTEREST. YOUR LOYALTY AND WILLINGNESS TO SERVE WILL BE REWARDED."**

"Rewarded?" Purple echoed. He ignored the look that Red directed at him. "What sort of reward?"

" **DATA CLERK. RELAY UPLOADED CASE TO THE ALMIGHTY TALLEST."**

The little Irken that sat at the desk below the screen nodded and began to rummage through the sheets of paper at his desk until he excavated a data pad. He began typing on it, then passed it over to Tallest Red.

"What is this?" the crimson Tallest asked, his voice suspicious. He took the pad, glanced over its contents, then passed it to Purple. The clerk smiled up at them, the first change in his bored expression since the pair had arrived in the chambers.

"Well, if you're looking to help out the Control Brains-"

"We came looking _for_ help, not to run an errand!" Red spat. The clerk ignored him, likely because he was following the Control Brain's orders. He was protected.

"If you're looking to help out the Control Brains," he continued, "Then it might be worth your time to pursue something that's been troubling us. It's related to Zim, you see."

"Oh." Purple deflated. "Which is our jurisdiction now, right?"

" **THAT IS CORRECT."** the Control Brain boomed.

"You see, there's this unpaid ball of snacks in orbit over the Sorting Planet-"

Purple's attitude brightened instantly. He zipped closer to the desk. "Snacks!?" he asked. "Oh, in that case, we'll be happy to help you!"

Before Red could protest, the data clerk went on. "Well, I'm glad to hear it! It's been clogging up their system for months. According to the local Control Brain, its been hovering above the planet all that time and the Collective are worried that the Resisty could end up using it to fuel their rebellion."

"So you want us to pay for it?" Red guessed. "Or move it?"

"No," said the clerk, "The Control Brains would like you to track down the person responsible for ordering the snacks and make them pay for and dispose of the snacks, post-haste."

Purple deflated. "Oh." he said, disappointed. Red glared at him as his face fell.

"Way to go, jackass. Now we've been roped into _this_ mess too!" he growled. He turned to the clerk again. "And what if they're unwilling to pay, or can't pay?"

"Then you are to arrest them and bring them to Planet Incar for imprisonment." the little receptionist went on.

Glowering, Red looked up at the Central Control Brain. "This sounds more like a job for the Elites or the Rebellion Suppression Squad. What do we have to do with it?" he asked. "What does _Zim_ have to do with it, Control Brain?"

" **THE CULPRIT'S LAST KNOWN COORDINATES PLACE HER ON ZIM'S EXILE PLANET, EARTH. PRIOR TO HER DISAPPEARANCE, YOU WERE THE LAST ONES IN CONTACT WITH IRKEN TAK."**

The Tallest struggled to remember the name and the unremarkable person that had accompanied it. It was only through her link to the snack ball that they were able to put a name to the face. After a moment's searching, Red spoke again.

"And given that we were the last people to talk to her and the fact that Zim is our responsibility..." he trailed off, then scowled. "I'm sorry, but no. We're not really cut out for that sort of detective work. My idiot brother agreed out of impulse, not duty... all he ever thinks about is his stomach."

" **YOU HAVE SWORN TO ASSIST US."** the Brain pointed out. **"THIS** _ **IS**_ **YOUR DUTY, AS TALLEST."**

Backed into a corner, Red glared at Purple again, urging him to throw his lot in with his fellow ruler. "Um, okay, but listen: we weren't planning on going on an active assignment right now. We've only ever needed a few people to crew the Massive. We don't have any Elites for the groundwork right now!" Purple argued.

" **YOU HAVE ACCESS TO THE ARMADA. YOU NEED ONLY APPREHEND ONE INDIVIDUAL IF NECESSARY. THE IRKEN ARMADA WILL BE MORE THAN SUFFICIENT**." decided the Central Control Brain.

Hanging their heads, the Tallest sighed in unison. There was no way they could convince the Brain that the mission was a waste of time, so it was probably better that they just go with it. Red huffed and folded his arms.

"Fine. We'll do what you want." he grumbled, handing the data pad back to the desk clerk. "Anything else?"

The little clerk shrugged, looking something up on the data pad. "Not really, just a few ideas on where to begin," he said, "Irken Tak is a bit of an anomaly. Commissioned as an experimental unit, flunked out of the Invader Academy, abandoned her post on Dirt and fell off the radar... her behaviour is unpredictable, but there's been no evidence to suggest she ever left Earth. We can assume that she is still there. Whether she is alive or dead remains unknown."

Red, feeling that he needed to strangle _someone_ that day, decided that Tak would be the best candidate and he nodded. "Okay, okay, we get it." he said, cutting off the clerk. "We go to Earth, we find her and crack some skulls-"

"Skull." Purple chipped in.

"Skull," Red corrected himself, "And then we head home. Okay. Simple enough. Let's go."

He gestured for the other Tallest to follow him back to the shuttle, but Purple had higher priorities. "Hey, can't I just buy the snack-ball? I mean, if she's a criminal now and it's an inconvenience, we can cut out the middleman... middlewoman..." he offered.

Red kneaded his brow and left his fellow Tallest waiting for his answer, heading for the door. Unfortunately for Purple, the Almighty Tallest was to be disappointed. "You don't have the receipt," said the clerk, shaking his head back and forth, "So, I'm afraid you can't."

"Aw." whined Purple. Thwarted, he left the chamber with his head hanging low, only to find that Red had disappeared without him.

"Great." he muttered. Which way had they came again? The right? Or was that his left now?

Picking a route, Purple hurried to catch up with his brother, but upon rounding the first corner, he was surprised to find his way blocked. Barring his path was a small cluster of Irken Elites. Each one stood to attention, their gaze unblinking, staring ahead at their Tallest without even so much as a salute.

Folding his arms, Purple grunted at the group. "Okay, okay, I get it, I'm really great. Now move along... I've got places to be, smoothies to drink, so y'know. Move." he ordered.

His command went unfollowed. The Elites still stood in his way, unblinking, unmoving... barely even breathing. Purple scowled and drew himself up to his full height. "Hey, I said get out of the way! Do it, before I make you shoot one another! I'm in a bad mood!" he snapped.

Still, the Elites didn't move. Pointedly clearing his throat and trying to shoo them out of the way had roughly the same effect. The group of Irken soldiers did nothing but stand there in silence, staring at him unnervingly.

Just as he was beginning to feel uneasy, one of the Irken Elites stepped forwards. The leader judging by his uniform, briskly saluted at the Almighty Tallest. "My Tallest," he said, his voice a dull drone. "The Massive currently lacks ground troops, yes?"

The violet-eyed Tallest blinked. "Uhhh... well, we have the ship's crew... and the Armada..." he replied. The leader of the Elites saluted again.

"We would happily volunteer our services to protect our Tallest. Many of us are veterans and ex-IRSS potentials. Our skill-set is unmatched by any other unit within this sector." the leader insisted.

Purple leant forwards to squint at the soldier's name-tag. Given the circumstances, perhaps additional ground troops _would_ be needed. For all they knew, Zim would try to help the Tallest in their assignment and anybody that they could throw at the enthusiastic pest would be welcome.

Still, it was presumptuous of them to think they were suited for the task, so Purple went to put them in their place. "Well, uh... Elite Ghor, I suppose we _could_ use additional help. But don't think you're getting paid extra for this. You all volunteered!" he pointed out.

Lack of pay didn't seem to demotivate them. "Of course." said the Elite. He motioned to the troops behind him. "Saw, Bal. Load the supplies we require aboard the Massive and rendezvous at the arranged coordinates. Our task will begin immediately. Await further instructions."

The two Elites saluted at their commanding officer and scurried off. Elite Ghor looked back up at his leader. "Permission to be dismissed and board the Massive?" he asked.

"Yeah, yeah, granted or whatever." muttered Purple, waving them away. "Dismissed."

The Elites, with mechanical efficiency, saluted as one.

"We obey." they chorused.

* * *

Neither Tallest were aware that the mission that they were being sent on was a farce. The Control Brains didn't care about one runaway nobody. Even the massive snack-ball that had been described as such an obstacle was due to be used in a scheme to draw out the Resisty forces into an ambush. Very few problems that the Control Brains faced were allowed to be an obstacle for long.

Though the Almighty Tallest did not know it, their attempt to convince the Control Brains that a threat lay on planet Earth was actually a huge success. It had been during the silent periods of study, relaying the information with the Collective that the Central Control Brain had recognised the potential danger that the Almighty Tallest had brought to its attention.

But it wasn't Zim. At least, not him alone.

While the Tallest had been posturing and smirking at one another, the Central Control Brain had ignored them and instead linked itself fully to the hive-mind that formed the Collective of the Control Brains. Within an instant of it abandoning its task on Judgementia, its fellows, spread across the Irken Empire, did so too. They could sense their leader's urgency and awaited its announcement.

Once the other Brains were listening, the Central Control Brain made its request. **"ALERT. REQUESTING DATA ANALYSIS."** it boomed, addressing the Collective at large.

Several high-ranking Brains responded to the query faster than their peers. Control Brain DOS, a scientific Brain that had been altered to let it go above and beyond the call of duty during scientific studies and experiments, was one of the first. **"StATe yOuR fINdings."** she requested.

The Central Control Brain wasted no time. No sooner had it been asked, it had uploaded the video that the Tallest had presented it with and the Collective watched it, accelerated to suit their lightning-quick minds.

" **The subject is Irken Zim."** stated Control Brain K9-LAH, one of the strategists that had forwarded the idea to keep Zim isolated. **"Of note is the fact that he is within a failing space-station, destruction logged earlier today. This has been the most recent encounter with "Invader" Zim since he was placed under quarantine as a result of the destruction of the Judgementian Brains."**

" **ZIM IS NOT THE SUBJECT OF THIS QUERY."** explained the Central Control Brain. **"EXAMINE FOOTAGE OF ALIEN ASSISTING ZIM. EXAMINE LOCAL SURROUNDINGS. QUERY: SURVIVOR OF EXTINCT SPECIES?"** it asked.

The Brains studied the image more closely and were surprised by what they saw. **"ImPossIble. TheY ArE eXtInCt."** DOS declared.

" **Indeed. The alien appears to be standing in a hypercube bearing internal structures that mark it out as a TARDIS, a vessel belonging to a Time Lord."** K9-LAH pointed out. **"The appearance and external markings upon this particular TARDIS identifies it as the vehicle piloted by a known enemy of the Irken Empire."**

This was nothing the Central Brain didn't already know, but its programming made it ascertain their suspicions. **"IF THIS IS TRUE, THEN ITS APPEARANCE HAS CHANGED SINCE THE PREVIOUS ENCOUNTER. CONFIRM THE IDENTITY OF THE TIME LORD."**

" **ScANs Of TaRDis MarkIngS iNdICaTe, WiTh 100% AcCurACy, thAt** **tHe TiMe LorD iS tHe BeInG KnOwN As "ThE DoCtOr"."** DOS summarised.

The words were hissed around the Collective as they acknowledged this all-too-familiar foe.

 _The Doctor!_

Like most creatures that sought to control all living things, the Collective held a special enmity towards that one particular Time Lord. Much like Zim, the Doctor was responsible for a great many setbacks to the Irken Empire's plans to conquer the universe. Every time he had fought against them no matter who or what he faced, the Doctor emerged victorious. Unharmed. Unchallenged.

 _Undefeated._

And now, the Doctor had found Zim. A master manipulator with a long history of hostility towards them had found their greatest shame. The only other individual in the entire universe who could rival the Doctor for the damage he could inflict on the Irken Empire.

In fact, during his lifetime, he'd already began to pull ahead a little.

It was an understatement to say that the Control Brains reacted negatively. Suggestions to annihilate the Doctor, Zim, Earth and its solar system rang out from every corner of the Collective all at once; an engineered plague, an artificially-induced supernova, unleashing a planet-devouring monster, all seemed like valid options.

With an unspoken command, the Central Control Brain dismissed such possibilities in an instant. Both Zim and the Doctor had faced such odds before and succeeded. Brute force would fail them, as it always did against the pair.

A careful, surgicalapproach was needed instead.

In the wake of its decision, the Central Control Brain consulted its brethren for betterideas. **"THE DOCTOR HAS BEEN SIGHTED IN THE PRESENCE OF THE FORMER INVADER, ZIM."** it boomed. **"THE ODDS OF A POTENTIAL CATASTROPHE ARE HIGH. SUGGESTED COURSE OF ACTION?"**

" **It would be logical to terminate them before they can strike. Even with Zim's prior loyalty, the Doctor's ability to exert control over other lifeforms is legend throughout the universe. He may not be immune."** K9-LAH pointed out.

" **AgReeD."** agreed DOS. **"ThE DeStRuCiVe quAlitiEs oF THiS ZiM-DoCtOr dUo wOuLd be UnMatcHed."**

" **Affirmative. However, we cannot risk influence from the exile or the Time Lord to spread to the rest of the Irken population."** K9-LAH reminded the others. After a moment's computations, it outlined a potential strategy to the Collective. **"To avoid breaking quarantine, this unit would suggest that the Massive is dispatched alongside a covert force to destroy the Doctor and if necessary, Zim. It would be best if the Almighty Tallest did not know the nature of this threat. Self-preservation instincts may prevent them from carrying out their task, or encourage them to ally with the Doctor."**

" **SuItAbLE cOvEr?"**

The Central Brain drew up all the information that they had on Zim's planet, Earth. One piece of information caught its eye. **"THIS UNIT SUGGESTS USING LOCAL HISTORY OF ZIM HOSTWORLD, PLANET EARTH, AS PRETENCE. DISPATCHING TALLEST WITH INTENT TO APPREHEND INDIVIDUAL CHARGED WITH OFFENCES OF DESERTION WILL PROVIDE AN ADEQUATE COVER."**

If she could have, DOS' voice would have been laced with sarcastic surprise. **"oH,** _ **HeR.**_ **"** she snorted. Despite being in the hive-mind and the "conversation", K9-LAH was confused.

" **I thought that the individual was deceased? It had an encounter with Zim, did it not?"**

" **nEgAtIvE. i ReCeIvED No PaK DaTa InDiCaTiNG tErmInaTiON."** replied Control Brain DOS. **"sHe hAS a HaBiT Of DiSApPeArINg AnD sO FaR, FuRTheR iNVesTigAtIoN haS BeeN iNHIbItEd By zIm quARaNTiNE. sHe MaY yEt SurViVe."**

" **THE ERRATIC BEHAVIOUR THAT INDIVIDUAL HAS THUS FAR DISPLAYED MAY INDICATE A DEFECTIVE ELEMENT,"** noted the Central Brain, **"IT HAS ALREADY COMMITTED SEVERAL CRIMES. THEFT OF CLASSIFIED DATA, DESERTION, AMONG OTHERS."**

" **And you believe this to be no coincidence?"** asked K9-LAH.

" **CORRECT. ALL POSSIBILITIES MUST BE ACCOUNTED FOR. GIVEN ITS SURVIVAL IN THE FACE OF IMPOSSIBLE ODDS AND THE THEFT OF THE CLASSIFIED DATA PRIOR TO ARRIVING ON EARTH MEAN THAT ANY ACTIONS TAKEN FROM ABANDONING HER POST TO THE PRESENT DAY, COULD INDICATE ALLEGIANCE TO THE TIME LORD."**

DOS sounded shocked, or as much as an emotionless computer could sound shocked. " **sUrELy YoU DoN'T mEaN?"**

" **THIS UNIT SUSPECTS JANITORIAL DRONE TAK TO BE ALLIED WITH THE DOCTOR."** the Central Control Brain surmised.

Its logic was sound. The data that Tak had stolen was relatively low risk, restricted information used to pacify the Tallest and other high-ranking individuals into believing their status granted them importance. Even in the most dangerous hands, the information was harmless.

But it was still a criminal offence. Only her intent was unknown and the proximity to the Time Lord did nothing to lessen the suspicions of the Control Brains. The Collective did not believe in coincidences and Tak's less than exemplary record had put her on thin ice.

" **It** _ **is**_ **a possibility,"** K9-LAH noted, **"But she was not the only one to take those files. During the window of opportunity, Zim exploited the backdoor code left behind to download the restricted data."**

" **YOU BELIEVE THAT ZIM MAY ALREADY BE WORKING IN CONCERT WITH THE DOCTOR?"** asked the Central Control Brain.

" **Given the visual evidence that the Tallest have provided."** added the tactician.

This was bad news. Zim's willingness to take the files was another matter entirely. Despite the prior speculation, Zim had always been loyal to the Irken Empire. Insane, yes, but otherwise loyal. Under any other circumstances, they would have dismissed the thought without hesitation.

But the presence of the Doctor on Earth changed everything. Given his appearance on the same planet as the most destructive Irken alive at the height of Operation Impending Doom 2, it could be no coincidence. They were moving against them.

" **THE DOCTOR HAS PREVIOUSLY THREATENED ACTION AGAINST THE COLLECTIVE. WORKING IN CONCERT WITH THE DEFECTIVE ELEMENTS, THIS THREAT MAY BECOME A REALITY. THIS UNIT HAS CALCULATED THAT THE DOCTOR WILL COMPROMISE OUR FUNCTION UNLESS OPPOSED."** saidthe Central Brain.

Without speaking, the Collective unanimously agreed with their leader. If Zim had thrown his lot in with the Doctor, or the Doctor had manipulated him into turning against them, immediate action had to be taken. The Time Lord would have no better opportunity at destroying them and had every intent of rendering the Collective of the Control Brains' primary functions moot.

It was that programming that they were ruled by. It dictated their every action. Every move they ever made had been weighted against their directives. The function of the Control Brains was to ensure that the Irken Empire would conquer the universe and spread themselves throughout the cosmos. If anything stood a chance of impeding this order, it had to be eliminated.

To that end, everything was disposable. Individuals, planets, even the Control Brains themselves to an extent. So long as a single Brain still functioned, the ability to coordinate the Empire through it remained a possibility.

The cooperation of the Irken race was not a necessity in achieving this goal.

Several of the Brains had been examining the option since the beginning of the meeting of minds. One Brain, stationed on Foodcourtia, spoke up. **"Strategy Brains report that interference from the Time Lord has been prepared for. Criteria of such a scenario as the one we now face have been met."** it pointed out. **"Activation of coordination protocols is now our top priority."**

The Central Control Brain didn't need to be reminded. **"THIS UNIT IS AWARE,"** it growled, **"THAT IF THE PRIMARY ORDER IS UNDER THREAT BY THE DOCTOR, THEN COORDINATION PROTOCOLS MUST BE ACTIVATED. HOWEVER, IT WOULD BE CARELESS TO ASSUME THAT THE DOCTOR WILL ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN. HE MUST BE ELMINATED FIRST."**

" **This unit concurs,"** K9-LAH agreed, **"Now that the Doctor is alone in the universe, he will not take chances. He may aim to eliminate the Irken species in addition to the Collective to ensure that the Empire falls. This would be substantially easier than attacking ourselves. It is our duty to ensure that they will continue to proliferate across the galaxies."**

" **AgReEd. OuR PrImArY ObJeCtIvEs aRe oF eQuAl ImPOrTaNCe. ThE iRkEn rAcE muSt LiVe aNd SprEad. ThEy muSt rEmAin unDer oUr CoNtRoL. ThE cOlLeCtIvE MuSt rEmAiN FuNCtIoNaL. ThE dOcToR mUsT bE ElMInINaTed."** Control Brain DOS reminded her fellows. **"wE CanNoT pRiOrItIze OnE fUncTiON ovEr aNoThEr, EvEn NoW."**

" **If they are dispatched under the guise of pursuing Irken Tak, uninformed of our intentions, then it is almost inevitable that the Almighty Tallest will be destroyed by the Doctor. In the event of failure, should we prepare a secondary force?"** K9-LAH asked. The strategy Brain knew better than to rely on the loyalty or capability of the Irken leaders in the face of such odds, given the three prior had been ineffective at best, openly traitorous at worst. Even the Central Irk Brain had to bow to its wisdom in preparing backup.

" **IT WILL BE DONE."** said the Central Brain. **"COVERT UNITS WILL BE SECLUDED ABOARD THE MASSIVE."**

" **The main suppression force will be unable to catch the Massive before arriving in orbit above planet Earth. We should advise the onboard units to run interference until they arrive."** K9-LAH suggested. Hundreds of its fellow Control Brains simultaneously decreed that its idea was a prudent one.

" **THEN DO SO."**

" **aNd ThE ArMadA? ThEy aRe TaLlEsT lOyAl."** DOS noted.

" **THE ARMADA CAN BE RE-ROUTED. DISSOLUTION WILL BE ACCELERATED BY DIRECT ORDERS FROM BRAINS OPERATING WITHIN TIME-MANAGEMENT SECTORS."** ordered the Central Control Brain. At its command, the Collective went diligently about its task, preparing themselves to strike when the time came.

Equally, the Central Irk Brain went through its own preparations, coordinating their agents on Judgementia, preparing to send the Almighty Tallest to their almost certain doom. It took no pleasure in the task, but neither did it take any dissatisfaction. It was a task that it needed to preform, programming dictating its actions once more, to ensure that its function would remain unimpeded by the threats they now faced.

" **OPERATION INITIATED. RETURN TO ASSIGNED DUTIES AND STAND BY FOR FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS. WE MUST ENSURE THAT NEITHER THE DOCTOR NOR ZIM WILL COMPROMISE OUR FUNCTION. THE WILL OF THE COLLECTIVE WILL BECOME ABSOLUTE.** "

" **Unanimously agreed."** K9-LAH said, returning to its original task, unobserved by the Irkens around it. Many of the other Brains followed it. **"Awaiting your command.** "

" **AWaiTiNG YoUr cOmMaNd."** DOS echoed.

" **ALL CONTROL BRAINS ACKNOWLEDGED. RESUMING REAL-TIME ACTIVITIES."** said the Central Control Brain, rejoining the Tallest on Judgementia. Its fellows returned to their duties and the great alpha of the Control Brains set about sending the Almighty Tallest on their supposed "mission".

The Almighty Tallest hadn't even noticed the single second that had sealed their fate as it passed.

* * *

A full ten minutes after they had made their escape, neither Dib nor Gaz could believe that they were _still_ running away from Bloaty's Pizza Hog.

It wasn't that either of them were unfit. Heck, Dib could do a backflip from a standing start. Like it or not, both Dib and Gaz had to deal with Zim and other dangers on a regular basis. The Irken's efforts to kill or enslave them had made the duo used to running for their lives at a moment's notice and, coupled with youthful energy and determination, the pair could just about keep pace with the Doctor's massive strides.

No, what floored them was that the Doctor, through virtue of being an adult or an alien or even just having longer legs than they did, had yet to falter. Once or twice he'd slowed down to a jog, letting them catch their breath, but as soon as they had done so, the Doctor had set off at full speed once again. Even the distance they'd covered already didn't seem to satisfy him, so he kept going, his frenetic pace forcing the children to run flat-out just to keep up.

Eventually, it was too much. After pulling into what seemed like the tenth alleyway of the night, Dib was the first to give out. Coughing and spluttering, he ran into a set of garbage cans and the crash of steel on concrete made his fellow runners halt.

" _Wait_ … _stop,"_ he begged, clutching a stitch in his side, _"Breath… running."_

That was as far as he managed before he pitched forwards and fell to his hands and knees, wheezing. Gaz was more restrained than her sibling, leaning on the wall and gasping for breath, but even she was clearly taxed.

Annoyingly, the Doctor seemed to be more concerned that they had stopped rather than they were on the verge of collapse. Spinning on his heels, he jogged the half-alleyway he'd made in the few seconds distraction back towards them with a worried look on his face.

"Come on, you two!" he urged. He moved to pull them back to their feet, but both waved him away with a flat look. "You can't stop, you both know that Tak won't!"

Dib managed to look up long enough to shake his head. "After what you did to her? I can still feel _my_ teeth shaking from it." he coughed.

Shaking his head, the Doctor glanced around them, his eyes scanning the alleyway around them. "It's not Tak that I'm worried about." he told the pair. "If she's a wannabe Invader, then she must have a SIR unit, yeah? A little robot like GIR?"

Both children looked at each other and grimaced. "Not… _exactly_ like him, no." Gaz answered, sniffing as she pulled herself together. "That one… _worked_."

"Oh dear." grimaced the Doctor, his worst fears confirmed. "How did you deal with it?"

"It wasn't waterproof," replied Gaz, "I took it out with a can of soda. Then I had Zim's robot make it crazy."

The Doctor looked thoughtful about that. "Carbonated drinks? I can see Tak being affected, but the SIR unit?" he mused. Then, he blinked, shook his head and sent a quick smile their way. "Nah, doesn't matter. If it works, it works. Good for you, Gaz. Don't suppose you've got any with you?"

Gaz sardonically looked between her two empty hands, then her pockets which were not covered in the results of a shook-up soda can. "No." she replied.

"Well," said the Time Lord, "We can consider that a back-up plan. It's not exactly vinegar and the Slitheen, but if push comes to shove it'll cause a nasty _nip._ In the meantime though, we'll have to make do with this."

Reaching inside his coat, the Doctor took out the sonic screwdriver, wiggled it between his thumb and forefinger and set to work scanning the alleyway.

Now that they had stopped, Dib had finally pulled himself to his feet and glanced around them. Asides from the background noise that always came with a huge city like theirs, the alleyway was quiet and uninhabited, save for the three of them.

"Do you really think that Tak's SIR... robot... thing is going to find us? We're practically half a city from Bloaty's by now." he pointed out.

Gaz looked as if she was going to respond, but decided to save her breath. The Doctor seemed equally sceptical of Dib's words. He continued scanning their surroundings, muttering under his breath to himself.

"Would she shield it from sonic attack? I dunno…" the Time Lord muttered, halting his scan. He tapped his sonic screwdriver on his lip thoughtfully. "Did she know about the weakness to liquids too? Urgh, I don't like her, not like this. Too clever by half."

The Doctor began to pace up and down the alleyway, meticulously scrutinising everything he laid eyes on. His restlessness was beginning to make the children nervous... or get on their nerves, at least in the younger child's case. "What are you doing _now_?" sighed Gaz.

"You two can't run any further," the Doctor explained, "So… we're in trouble. I was hoping we could get to the TARDIS, but this means that we'll have to make our stand here and hope for the best."

He stopped pacing, looking the children up and down. Though the break had allowed the pair to catch their breath again, it was getting late and it had been a long day. Discounting the events surrounding Bloaty's, Zim's actions earlier that evening would be taking their toll by now. Making a quick getaway from the porcine pizza parlour only made things worse.

Dib knew it all too well. He was tired, his legs ached and he was far from relaxed. The thought of Tak possessing a working SIR that was able to catch up with them... it wasn't looking good for the three. He groaned and slumped back against the wall, turning to his sister. "Are we doomed yet?" he groaned.

Gaz didn't answer him. She narrowed her eyes, looking at something over the Doctor's shoulder as he scanned the alleyway.

Without warning, she scooped up a small chunk of rock and lobbed it into the recesses of the alley. It whizzed past the Doctor's ear and hit a distant group of trash cans with surprising force. There was a yowl and the Doctor whipped around as a tabby cat raced by him, screeching.

"What'd you do that for?!" he scolded, rubbing his ear. "That poor cat!"

Gaz glanced behind her as the feline made its retreat. "I thought it was the robot… it disguises itself as a cat…" she explained, sheepishly. The Doctor allowed himself to breathe again, shaking his head.

"Well… you could have warned me…" he grumbled. "You had my hearts racing like the clappers there…"

Despite the situation they'd found themselves in that evening, Dib had almost forgotten that the Doctor wasn't human and his curiosity got the better of him. "Wait... you've said that a few times now. Heart _s_?" he asked, emphasising the "s". " _Multiple hearts?_ "

"Yup. Two of 'em." replied the Doctor, gesturing at either side of his chest. He made his way over to the wall and leant on it as well. Perhaps the escape from Bloaty's had taken its toll on him after all. He indicated his chest again. "I've got two hearts, a respiratory bypass that lets me recycle air without breathing, enhanced temporal awareness..."

"Does _any_ of that help us right now?" asked Gaz, moodily kicking a stray can. Like the rock before it, it spiralled past the Doctor with impressive force and clattered somewhere in the deeper recesses of the alleyway.

" _Well_ , if the robot tries to strangle me, then I'd say I've got a distinct advantage." the Doctor shrugged. He held up the sonic screwdriver again, waved it around for a few seconds, then raised it to one ear.

"Nothing," he told them, "Either Tak has shielded her SIR unit from standard scanning technology or it hasn't managed to follow us." He seemed surprised at this and he closed his eyes, leaning back against the wall.

Watching the Doctor, Dib could see that he was anything but relaxed. He too seemed tired, but not out of physical exertion. Looking at him closely, the paranormal detective looked on as the Doctor stared at the wall opposite him, thinking. Perhaps he was mulling over his encounter with the female Irken.

Dib could only speculate as to what had happened while he and his sister had been under hypnosis. Judging from the look on the Doctor's face, it was nothing like the boy's previous encounter with the Irken. He wondered what the Doctor had said to Tak. What had Tak said to the Doctor in turn?

Not knowing troubled him. Dib remembered how, during her time on Earth, Tak had manipulated him. Befriending him, pulling all of the right strings to get what she wanted and had almost gotten away with it. There was no denying that she could read people and manipulate them.

Would the Doctor be as vulnerable? He didn't think that the Doctor was evil now, that much was plain to see, but he seemed to favour compassion and understanding. That could be a problem. It was Dib's own good nature that Tak had been able to use against him, gathering information on both Zim and the boy himself.

Still, he had to hope. The Doctor was no rookie when it came to alien invasions, Dib knew that much about the Time Lord. All of them, even Gaz, had some experience at fighting unearthly extraterrestrial threats. That was at least one positive that the children could take away from Zim's nigh-constant presence in their lives.

On the other hand, they were running out of time. Whatever Tak had planned, they had to act and they had to act first before she could set her scheme into motion. Dib remembered the magma pump and how it had caught them all unawares. He didn't want any evil alien getting a foothold in Earth like that again.

He gulped uneasily, his mouth still dry from all that running they'd done. "What's our next move?" he asked, trying to get the ball rolling again.

The Doctor looked thoughtful. "If you two are feeling better, then I'd say that we need to get to the TARDIS, get those things out of you," he decided, "But making it there won't be easy. Tak mentioned that she's been keeping tabs on you and Zim for a while now, so his base will be under surveillance. If we could get in contact with him without Tak finding out..."

"We're not exactly friends," Gaz reminded him, "It's not as if we can just call him."

"No," the Doctor murmured, "Thought not."

"Don't you have anybody you can call?" asked Dib. The Doctor shook his head.

"No, not anymore." the Doctor replied. He trailed off and sighed, dipping his head down in frustration. Dib couldn't help but sympathise with him, considering that he knew the feeling too. Every time he thought he'd came up with something, there was some drawback.

Infuriatingly enough, Tak had far more options available to her, considering that she was free from reprisals while her robot was hunting them down. She could go get her ship back, possibly endangering his father in the process. If she wanted to, she could even forgo subtlety and attack Zim directly. He was her primary target, after all.

Whatever she decided to do didn't matter, though. It wasn't as if they could take advantage of her distraction, with or without her SIR hunting them. None of the three knew where Tak's base was and even if they did, who knew what sort of defences would it have? The robot was probably just the beginning of the terrible weapons at Tak's disposal.

Sullenly, Dib cursed their luck. Why always him? Couldn't it just be easy for once? "We're pretty much screwed, aren't we?" he wondered aloud.

The Doctor looked down at him, then grinned reassuringly. "Oh, I wouldn't say that! It'll work out. Always does." he smiled.

Despite their situation, Dib found himself smiling back. Say what you liked about the man... alien... man, the Doctor had a confidence about him that wasn't irritating or suffocating. A sort of benevolent, "don't worry about it" vibe that made a grim situation like theirs a little bit more tolerable.

In a more idealistic world, he might've even wished that he'd met the Doctor a lot sooner. He had so many questions he wanted to ask. So many. As a time traveller, as an alien, he could answer all of them. He could answer the question of whether it was all worth it or not.

An otherwise mundane sound drew Dib back to their harsh reality.

The scuttling sound of metal upon concrete rattled to one side of them, causing Dib, Gaz and the Doctor to look around in surprise. The can that Gaz had kicked into the darkness was now bouncing towards them, rolling along until it came to a stop by the Doctor's feet, seemingly innocuous. What followed it was anything but.

She looked like a small, slender black cat, padding from the darkness towards them, but any illusion that she might've been an ordinary stray fell away when her eyes flashed crimson and narrowed in an almost human display of recognition.

"MIMI." Dib gasped.

Tak's SIR had found them. Her confident approach could only mean that she had been with them all along, skulking in the shadows, biding her time and listening to them plot together. Once she'd determined that there was nothing that could pose a threat to her mistress' plans, MIMI had confronted them at last.

The disguised robot made no move to attack them, but before she could even take another step, the Doctor had already placed himself between her and the children, just as he'd done with Tak. All of the reassuring expression he'd had before had gone and Dib was instead reminded of the look on his face when Gaz had confronted him, only this time it was warranted.

"Leave them alone," he ordered, his voice calm and level, "If you want somebody to bring back to Tak, that's fine, I volunteer. But you leave them be, you understand?"

If MIMI was surprised at his confidence in the face of danger, her disguise didn't display it. The holographic cat that she was projecting tilted its head at them, then with a whirring click, the feline limbs shifted and moved to let her stand upright.

Dib grimaced. "Oh, now that's just freaky." he complained.

MIMI ignored the boy, still staring up at the Doctor as her feline eyes narrowed to slits. The Doctor gestured at her. "He's right you know. Most cats don't exactly stand on two legs..." he pointed out. "You can drop the act. I promise I won't tell Tak."

The little robot did so. In her true form, MIMI was still a small, metallic figure like GIR; a Standard Information Retrieval unit, built as an all-purpose robot for to be commanded by an Irken master. But unlike GIR, MIMI's optics held none of the other SIR's playfulness or insanity.

Instead, she was focused and intimidating, an attitude that carried through her stiff, almost military posture. In place of her right arm, a huge and intimidating claw was wired to her back via support cables and an Irken insignia was stamped on her forehead like a tattoo.

Much like her owner, now that she had shed her disguise, the differences between her and her male counterpart were jarring. It was even more surprising that this quality was not the only thing she shared with Tak.

" _Find that guy and bring him back home!"_ MIMI barked. _"I don't care how you get him there, just do it!"_ she snarled.

The voice was familiar one, but it had a metallic tone to it, throwing Dib for a moment. His eyes widened in surprise, but his sister took it all in her stride. Gaz reacted to MIMI's metallic form with little-to-no reaction other than curiosity at the command.

"Is that… Tak's voice?" she wondered. Gaz glanced around the robot, clearly expecting the Irken to emerge from the alleyway as well. "Where is she?"

The Doctor glanced back at her, still keeping himself between the disguised SIR and the children. "It's just a recording, I think… she isn't here." he answered. He turned back before the SIR could act on the window of opportunity.

MIMI repeated Tak's orders, her form stoic and unmoving. The Doctor nodded at her in reply. "Like I said: you can have me. I'm perfectly happy to come along quietly." he reminded her.

The Doctor then slowly raised the sonic screwdriver at the SIR unit and a cold, no-nonsense tone accompanied his warning. "But if you even _think_ about going after the children as well, then I promise you, MIMI, you'll regret it."

Making a note of the Doctor's decidedly frosty tone, MIMI narrowed her red optics and replayed the message once more. As she did, she pointed at the Doctor and dismissively shooed the siblings away, all without breaking eye contact with the Time Lord.

Reluctantly, the Doctor lowered the sonic screwdriver and tucked it back into his coat pocket. When MIMI didn't leap at him right away, he turned to face the others again.

"Right, well, there we are then!" he smiled, hands in pockets. "Dib! Gaz! It's been great meeting the pair of you! Just keep Zim under control and save the world, yeah? Because, you can do it, you know. You're actually quite the little heroes, if I'm honest."

Dib wasn't sure whether it was because the Doctor looked human, or if it was just because he was being acknowledged, but the Doctor's comment really hit home. "Heroes?" he asked, sounding unsure.

Then, the Doctor fixed eyes with him and Dib knew that he was being honest. No lies. No tricks. No secret insults. "Oh yes!" he beamed.

Acknowledgement after so long felt good, even if it was coming from an alien. It really, _really_ felt good. Dib smiled. "Thanks."

Gaz wasn't so taken with the Doctor's words. They hadn't exactly solved their problems. She rolled her eyes and shook her head. "Oh, _please…"_ she groaned, looking up at the Time Lord. "What if you _can't_ stop Tak?"

The Doctor glanced over his shoulder at the waiting MIMI, then back to the girl. "Oh, don't worry. I can stop Tak-" he began.

He didn't get much further than that. Without warning, MIMI leapt at him and swung her outsized right arm at the back of the Doctor's head, the metallic claw there curling into a fist. It slammed into him and the Doctor dropped like a bag of rocks, instantly unconscious.

Scooping up the crumpled form of the man from the floor with no difficulties whatsoever, MIMI hefted him into her shoulder and leapt upwards, onto a rooftop. She glanced back down at the children and with a flash of her crimson optics, both she and the Doctor vanished from sight under the shimmer of a cloaking device.

Dib could only open and close his mouth in horror, speechless. On the other hand, his sister seemed less disturbed by the sudden turn of events and she frowned up at the spot where MIMI and her abductee had stood.

"Well," Gaz drawled, "I can't say I _wasn't_ expecting that."

* * *

Professor Membrane watched in satisfaction as his latest creation jerked to life, wobbling unsteadily as it came online. It looked to and fro, stretching its limbs and digits experimentally before motoring around the desk for a few seconds as it enjoyed its new life.

Cautiously, the Professor made some adjustments to the sensitive audio receptors he'd installed via a remote control and waited until his creation had gotten its bearings again. Then, it looked up into his goggles and its optics flashed with recognition.

Sentience.

" **SUCCESS!** " the Professor boomed, happily.

With a high-pitched wail, the robot cringed at the cacophony, then burst into flames. It swiftly crumbled into a twisted heap of fibrous wires and synthetic flesh, much to the disappointment of Professor Membrane. He shook his head and made a note in his lab-book for future reference.

"Sustained activation for approximately fourteen seconds before complete systems failure," he mumbled, scribbling down his musings, "Cause unknown. Addendum: I did not expect it to scream. I should probably reconsider the **PAIN** receptors."

Setting down his pen, the scientist surveyed his failed experiment one last time and sighed, brushing the remains of the little robot into the waste-disposal incinerator. His ennui was interrupted by the doorbell to the household ringing above his head.

Membrane frowned, tilting his head up to the ceiling and the doorbell rang again. The remains of his work forgotten, the Professor wondered what to make of the incessantly trilling doorbell.

"Hmm, I wonder who that could be at this hour?" he tutted, stretching. He checked his watch, his eyes widening under his goggles. Was it that late?

Then again, it did feel like he had been down in his laboratory for hours. He ran a hand down his face, deciding to ignore the doorbell in favour of his experiments. "The children are upstairs," he said to himself, "I'll just let them answer the door while I attend to science's gentle call."

The bell rang once more. Whomever was at the door, they certainly were impatient, noted the Professor. When the ringing went on, Professor Membrane titled his head upwards once more. Neither Dib nor Gaz had tried to answer it. Maybe they weren't home after all. Or perhaps they were asleep?

Yes, that seemed normal for kids their age. He forgot sometimes.

What age was Dib again? Eight? Fourteen? Had Gaz left school yet?

He forgot that too.

The irritating trilling coming from the front door wasn't helping his tired mind. In fact, it was getting on his nerves so much, that the Professor decided to investigate himself. Perhaps it was urgent. Or maybe Dib had just lost his keys again. Gaz tended to go through the windows.

Climbing up from his underground lab, Professor Membrane reached the door. Despite his fumbling with the door, the bell kept ringing.

"Yes, yes, I can only go so fast without my **SKIN EXPLODING!** " he reminded them.

Finally, the Professor pulled open the door. Behind it was a young girl, standing on the porch. She'd been tapping her foot impatiently, scowling to herself, but the second she saw Professor Membrane, her expression lit up like a thousand-watt bulb.

"Hello?" blinked the Professor. The girl beamed at him.

"Hey there, Mister!" she chirruped. "My name is Moofy! You wanna buy some chocolate ninja-star cookies?! Huh?! Support your local Girly Rangers?"

Moofy waved the box of confectionery treats back and forth, some of the chewy snacks emancipating themselves from their prison only to become embedded in the doorframe around him. Despite the damage to the masonry, Professor Membrane took his new visitor in his stride, patting her on the head in a gesture of goodwill.

"Why, no, small and annoying distraction. Neither myself, nor my children would like to buy your mass-manufactured, yet steeply priced snack cookies. Goodnight!" the Professor chuckled.

Moofy paused. Her eyelid began to twitch. "Y'sure?!" she bleated, her attempt at a smile masked by the sheer number of teeth she'd abruptly displayed in response.

"Positive! Goodbye!" said Professor Membrane, closing the door.

Shaking, Moofy raised her hand and began to hammer on the door, screeching. "If you don't buy the cookies, you'll be _reeeeeeeeeeeal_ sorry, Mister!" she threatened. "D'you really wanna mess with the Girly Rangers?!"

A click interrupted Moofy. She turned her head towards the garden, where the electric anti-personnel fence crackled merrily in the moonlight. Its snapping reached a crescendo, then a bolt of electricity arced towards her, shocking her repeatedly.

After a few mild jolts, Professor Membrane opened the door again, his normally jolly attitude gone as he confronted the smoking and twitching Girly Ranger.

"I'll bet you didn't think we had Girly Rangers in **MY DAY,** did you?! Well, I _know_ your tricks! Now get out of here before you face the wrath of **SCIENCE!** " the Professor ordered. He raised his arms to the skies and lightning flashed above him. "SCIENCE **WINS!** DO YOU HEAR ME, DREADFUL CHILDHOOD?! **SCIENCE WINS**!"

Justifiably cowed, Moofy screamed and ditched the prospect of selling at this home ever again, running for the next home along. When she'd arrived, the terror had worn off and her indoctrinated training set in again, preparing her to sell yet more snacks for the glory of the Girly Rangers.

Back at his front door, Professor Membrane frowned under the high collar of his labcoat, looking up at the murky skies and the thunderclouds that still flickered with energy. "Odd," he ruminated, checking a device on his wrist, "The weather machine wasn't supposed to be ready until Tuesday. Probably the fence static agitating the controls."

Shaking his head, Professor Membrane went to close the door when he was interrupted by a polite cough. Turning on his heel, the Professor was met with a completely different girl, who smiled and nodded in greeting.

"Oh, hello!" she grinned, the lightning casting flashes across her pale skin. "You must be Dib's father. My name is Tak. I was just passing through and decided to pick up the art project Dib and I were working on. Could you let me into your garage?"

Faced with such a well-mannered request, Professor Membrane had no other choice but to agree.


End file.
